Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied. "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender

2007-07-24 13:08:46 · 21 answers · asked by ? 4

A young indian scout comes riding into town from the prarie and runs straight to the town doctor. Out of breath and distraught, he interupts the doctor who is tending to another patient and says to him..


"Big chief, no fart! Big chief no fart!"



The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Ah, your indian chief has gas! Here, take these two pills with you back to the prarie and tell your chief to take them. That should fix his illness."



And with that, the scout returned to the prarie.



The next day the indian scout came riding back into town and again ran to the town doctor, still frantic, and when he got to the doctor he pleaded once again..



"Big chief no fart! Big chief no fart!"



The doctor looked puzzled.. "Hmm. Those pills didn’t help? He must have a more severe case of gas than I originally thought. Go back to your chief and tell him to take FOUR more of these."



He handed the scout four more pills and the scout took off like a shot, back to the prarie.



The next day the indian scout came riding into town again, faster than ever! He ran up to the doctor and began yelling jibberish that the doctor couldn’t understand.



The doctor began to calm him down, "Woah woah, there. Calm down. What’s the problem? Still ’Big Chief no fart’"?



The scout looks him in the eyes and says..



"Big fart no chief!"

2007-07-24 13:06:43 · 21 answers · asked by "!" 5

What is the definition of a perfect lover? A man with a 9 - inch tounge, who can breath through his ears!

2007-07-24 13:03:01 · 19 answers · asked by "!" 5

An 85-year-old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer’s given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor’s office with an empty jar.

“What happened?” says the doc.

“Well,” the old man starts, “I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left—nothing. Then she tried her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, still nothing. We even called in Arlene, the lady next door, but still nothing.”

The doctor bursts out, “You asked your neighbor?”

“Yep. No matter what we tried, we couldn’t get that damn jar open.”

2007-07-24 12:53:41 · 8 answers · asked by Peggy!! 1

A blonde makes an appointment with her academic adviser to help her choose a college major. The adviser asks her, "What are your interests." The blonde replies, "Oh, I don't know. I like to draw and to sing." The academic adviser then asks, "What was your favorite subject in high school." The blonde replies, "Oh, I don't know, art and music." The academic adviser then suggests she double majors in Art History and Music Theory. The adviser then asks her, "How does that sound?" The blonde replies, "I don't know that instrument."

2007-07-24 12:53:00 · 9 answers · asked by Peggy!! 1

I know this girl that's so fat that when she looks at a menu, she says,"Yes.".
I know this girl that's so bulimic that when she looks at a menu, she says,"Yes aaand No .

2007-07-24 12:46:48 · 7 answers · asked by The Uncanny Comic 5

Here are some more riddles to figure out.

1) chawhowhorge
2) lang4uage
3) a chance n
4) wither weigh or whey
5) XQQME
6) o_er_t_on
7) ATfrankfrankRA
8) thought an
9) fairy, wolf and duckling
10) cirKEEPcle

2007-07-24 12:46:33 · 3 answers · asked by ☆Zestee☆ 5

For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this: (And it's a
true story...) on a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a
bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: "These
two are going to rob me." Her next thought was: "Don't be a bigot; they look like perfectly nice gentlemen." But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!!

2007-07-24 12:34:14 · 19 answers · asked by hottmamao1 3

Here Is A Riddle ....A Women Was Standing By A Grave ,,,She Said "Dis Is My Father's Grave But My Son Is Burried Here ...Nd If He Could live More He Might Be My Husband Translation(Ek Aurat Ek Qabar K Paas Khari Thi Ussne Kaha K Yeh Mere Baap Ki Qabar Hai magar yahan mera beta dafan hai aur agar yeh mazeed je sakta to mera shohar hota) Wht Is The Relation Between The Dead Person Nd The Women ?

2007-07-24 12:33:41 · 12 answers · asked by SOMIA 1

we'll i don't care. he he

2007-07-24 12:26:13 · 17 answers · asked by ipodlady231 7

3 boys were argueing about whose dad ate the most. the first boy said my dad eats the most. when we go 2 mcdonalds my dad orders a big mac, large fry and a large drink. the second boy says my dad eats the most. when we go 2 mcdonalds he orders 2 big macs, 2 large fries and 2 large drinks. the third boy says thats nothing. my dad can eat a whole window shade. the other boys said what do u mean? and the third boy said " last night i was standing outside my parents bedroom and i heard my dad say, pull down that window shade. i wanna eat that thing.

2007-07-24 12:21:59 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Overweight Fans Cue Up At Prisons Nationwide
The craze to be in on every little thing recent jailbird Paris Hilton does reached a new epiphany upon her release from prison – news that she has apparently agreed to author a new book, called The Parish Hilton Prison Diet.
Rumor of the revolutionary diet fad began on the Larry King show when she commented idly, which is her usual mode of communication, that food in the lockup was not very tasty and she could hardly eat it.
An entrepreneur, alert to the copious financial rewards in satisfying the most idiotic demands of the public, approached the unreality starlet with the idea that her culinary experience had the makings of a new fad diet. It would be easy to put together. All she would have to do is remember the meals she was accosted with during her imprisonment.
“This diet has everything!” the entrepreneur enthused, “Star power without willpower. You just read the recipes and lose your appetite.”
Hilton immediately agreed to license her name and jotted down, as best she could recall, the inedible meals she was served during her 23-day stint behind bars.
Distressed that she could only remember what she was served on 21 days, she was consoled by the resourceful entrepreneur, who told her, “Perfect, Paris! 21 days is brilliant. We can subtitle it The Revolutionary 3-Week Weight-Loss Program.”
News of the remarkable diet was evidently leaked to the press by Paris Hilton’s publicity machine.
But throngs of fans were so eager to live her life vicariously that they were unable to wait for the book and began to show up at prisons across the nation, begging to be imprisoned – but for only 21 days.
Informed by prison officials that they can’t be arrested without committing a sufficient offense, they have resorted to jail-time provocations that mimic Hilton’s own infractions.
The favored tactic is to pull up to patrol cars, tear up their drivers licenses, and then jump back behind the wheel and speed off. While annoying the cops, fans pleaded, “Arrest me! Arrest me! Put me on the Paris Hilton Prison Diet!”
One fan commented, “I’m really looking forward to the day I get out and look like Paris Hilton. Maybe I’ll even get invited to talk about my time behind bars, and, Larry King, take notice: I’ll do it for less than a million dollars.”
Others have gone so far as to have a drink before they attempt to achieve their own arrest, so they can be put in the slammer for the same that resulted in Hilton’s probation: DUI.
One wag commented, “I guess in this case, DUI stands for dieting under the influence

2007-07-24 11:54:13 · 31 answers · asked by "!" 5

three persons where sitting a park drinking 7up ,one gulped the drink and then started to burp,6 times and on the seventh
farted puurp! they should change the name from 7up to six up
one down.. the second one gulped the drink and started burping after the fifth gave two farts puurp purrp,say 's No
they should name it 5up two down ,the third which was skinnier
gave a gulp, burped once and then started farting 6 times
purrp purrp purrp ..... smiles at them and say's ,,no 1up 6down..

2007-07-24 11:42:23 · 13 answers · asked by najam h 1

A man forgets his wallet and bets the manager he can figure out what anyperson had for lunch if he brings a spoon from the back. If I can't guess I will pay 2X the amount the following day. The manager takes the bet. He brings out a spoon that was sitting in mashed potatos. He wipes it and brings it out. Then man takes a whiff and tells him-mashed patatos. The manager is angered and lets him on his way. The next day the same thing happens and bets him 3X the amount. The manager frustrated brings out a fork that was used for lasagne. He smells the fork and say lasagne. The manager is angered and requests the man to come back the next day for a challenge. The man returns and the manager angrily runs to the back. He gives a spoon to an older woman and tells her to rub her crotch. The manager laughing inside brings the spoon out. The man takes a smell and almost falls down with the horriblle scent. He then looks at the manager and says I didn't know Maria worked here

2007-07-24 10:41:31 · 5 answers · asked by William Z 4

3 construction workers and 3 business men are going on a train to New York on business. The business men buy 3 tickets but the construction workers buy 1. Business men say
How will all of you get on the train with 1 ticket?
construction workers say You'll see. So hty get on the train and all 3 construction workers get into 1 bathroom. When the conductor comes down he knocks on the door and says
Ticket Please! One hand comes out and hands him the ticket. So when the go home the business men buy 1 ticket but the construction workers buy none. Business men say
how will you get on with no ticket?
Consrtuction workers say You'll see.
So all 3 business men get in a bathroom and all 3 consrtuction workers get in another. Then one construction worker gets out, knocks on the business men's door and says Ticket Please!

2007-07-24 10:31:54 · 9 answers · asked by DeathCabForSeffy 2

A very attractive blonde arrives at a casino and bets £20,000 on a single roll of the dice.
"I hope you don't mind," she says, "but I feel much luckier when I am completely naked."
With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells out, "Yes" I've won!" She jumps up and down, hugs each of the dealers, scoops up all the chips on the table as well as her clothes and then quickly departs.
The dealers stare at each other utterly dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asks, "So, what did she roll?"
"No idea," replies the other, "I thought you were watching the dice."

2007-07-24 10:17:02 · 27 answers · asked by . 3

to the barber's with her father, she stand's next to the barber's chair eating a cake while her dad has his hair cut. The barber smile's at her and say's "sweetheart,your going to get hairs on your muffin."
i know she replies"im gonna get big t*ts too

2007-07-24 09:57:22 · 20 answers · asked by freddy 4

how does bob marley like his doughnuts???????????????????????






wi' jammin!!!!!!!!

2007-07-24 09:55:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

no swear words or any crude things!

2007-07-24 09:50:13 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sorry guys, for some reason the joke that I posted was not complete...here it is:

William and Mildred were married for 25 years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. William brushed her off rather rudely. Mildred objected, "William, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."

"Mildred, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet, young thing?

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

William asked, "How much do you charge?"

2007-07-24 09:48:49 · 10 answers · asked by mazda6drvr 2

An avid traveler decided to go to Mongolia to explore a new world and gain new experiences. While he was there, he noticed that the country was full of beautiful women, so he decided to have a little fun and be a bit promiscuous and not use a condom since no one knew him there.
One month later he noticed that he had bright green polka dots all over his penis. He was so shocked that he didn't know what to do. He went to the doctor to get it checked out, and to his surprise, the doctor didn't know what it was either. They ran many tests and worked with other doctor's to figure out what it was.
The next day, the doctor announced to the man that they had figured out what was ailing him. They told him that it was Mongolion VD.
The doctor said, "Since we do not know too much about this disease and what it might do, I'm afraid we'll have to amputate."
"NO...you can't do that!" said the man, "I am going somewhere else to get a second opinion!"

2007-07-24 09:23:32 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were these two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when, one day, an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through the hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, :) and they go running behing the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and the giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes the two return out of breath laughing.
The angel tells then, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?"
He asks her, "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh yes, let's!! But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh*t on its head!"

2007-07-24 09:20:53 · 22 answers · asked by . 3

15. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. Every calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

25. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

2007-07-24 09:16:37 · 7 answers · asked by kayboff 7

My friend told me this one.

So you, Bob, and Tess are dead. All of you are now in heaven. God tells you that you can go anywhere,but the pink cloud because if you do, you will end up with a fat guy. One day, Bob gets stuck with a fat guy (he stepped on the pink cloud). Another day you see Tess. She ended up with a fat guy because she stepped on the pink cloud. Next day, someone gets stuck with you. That person stepped on the pink cloud.

2007-07-24 09:03:39 · 22 answers · asked by Rabbit 2

A guy and a girl are on a date at a bar. "May you already be in heaven for 20 minutes before the devil knows you're dead," said the guy before he took a sip.
"What's that?" asked the girl.
"An Irish toast," he replied.
"Bread, eggs, milk, and cinnamon," said the girl.
"What's that?" the guy asked.
The girl replied, "French toast."

2007-07-24 08:35:04 · 23 answers · asked by SlenderMillie 2

paddy and murphy are sat in the pub, the worst for wear, when paddy finds a mirror on the next seat he picks it up and looks at it MI JEZUZ MURPHY I KNOW THAT FACE BUT I CAN,T PUT A NAME TO IT, murphy say,s let me look, he grabs the mirror off paddy and looks, YOU SILLY MAN PADDY ITS ME !!!

2007-07-24 08:28:28 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

he sees a drunk dude holding some keys.he kept repeating "where's the car that was in this key?.....where's the car that was in this key?..." . the policeman goes to him "sir, do you realize people want to sleep and they are clearly disturbed by you?" .... "where's the car that was in this key?" ... "sir, lower your voice and take yourself home, you are a mess, even your pants are unzipped!" the drunk guy looks at his unzipped pants and says "where's miranda?"

2007-07-24 08:20:06 · 10 answers · asked by banzaiii 4

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,
> "How long before I can
> >get a haircut?"
> >
> >The barber looked around the shop full of customers
> and said, "About 2
> >hours." The guy left.
> >
> >A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the
> door and asked, "How
> >long before I can get a haircut?"
> >
> >The barber looked around at the shop and said,
> "About 3 hours." The guy
> >left.
> >
> >A week later the same guy stuck his head in the
> shop and asked, "How long
> >before I can get a haircut?"
> >
> >The barber looked around the shop and said, "About
> an hour and half." The
> >guy left.
> >
> >
> >
> >The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill,
> do me a favor. Follow
> >that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking
> how long he has to wait
> >for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
> >
> >A little while later, Bill returned to the shop,
> laughing hysterically.
> >
> >The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when
> he leaves?"
> >
> >Bill looked up, tears in his eyes, and said, "Your
> house."

2007-07-24 08:10:55 · 13 answers · asked by bperez2002 3

Flowers...$30.00

Dinner...$60.00

Movie...$20.00

Hotel...$100.00





Finding out the baby is not yours...priceless

2007-07-24 07:55:00 · 10 answers · asked by Tmabel 3

A psychiatrist was conducting a group-therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

He observed, "You all have obsessions."

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your child Candy."

He turned to the second mum. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mum. "Your obsession is alcohol. This is apparent from the fact that you named your child Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy in the hand and whispered, "Come on, D*ck, we're going home."

2007-07-24 07:53:07 · 24 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5