Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

2007-07-23 11:02:48 · 35 answers · asked by mikey 3

keep your answer clean please

2007-07-23 10:41:13 · 7 answers · asked by jobees 6

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.

The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde.

"I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

2007-07-23 10:17:52 · 13 answers · asked by kelseygurl_2011 3

Adding LJ00001

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard:

"One and one, the son-of-a-b**** is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-b**** is four."
"Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.

His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, "Oh, I know, here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

2007-07-23 09:51:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

because Ken comes in a different box

2007-07-23 09:46:25 · 48 answers · asked by boybellend 3

sits down and orders a beer. While he is sipping his drink he hears a small voice say "Nice haircut!" He looks around and sees nobody, so asks the bartender "Did you say something?" The bartender says "Nope -- not a thing". The man shrugs and continues to sip his beer. By and by the little voice says "Nice tie!". The guy looks around again, and asks the bartender, "Are you sure you didn't say anything?" The bartender says "No, man. Just washing these glasses". So the guy is a little freaked out now. He sips on his beer, all the while looking around him. Again he hears the voice. "Weredja get those cool shoes?" He slams his beer down and yells at the bartender. "Are you trying to drive me crazy or what?!!" The bartender says, "Of course not. Why would I do that? Why don't you relax and have some peanuts? They're complimentary!"

2007-07-23 09:21:49 · 23 answers · asked by glinzek 6

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". She said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays"

I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck"

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment"

2007-07-23 08:51:35 · 8 answers · asked by cutest chick!!! 3

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"

2007-07-23 08:44:41 · 10 answers · asked by freakokalam 2

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:
"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341:
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the
DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206:
"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Well if any of that made you laugh, give it a star, it was worth it?

2007-07-23 08:25:28 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

She promises to make her husband a wonderful dinner, and tells him to go upstairs and relax. He does so, but forty-five minutes go by and he hasn't heard anything from her (he knows she's not making him anything huge), so he goes to the top of the stairs and asks if she needs anything.
"I'm fine, Honey, you just relax."
So he goes back to the bedroom. Another forty-five minutes go by, he's getting pretty hungry, so he goes to the top of the stairs again, but receives the same answer. Finally, another forty-five minutes go by, and he smells smoke. He rushes downstairs to find everything burnt, and his wife in tears.
"I had to refill the pepper shaker," she sobs, "But it just took so long to get it through the tiny holes!"

Star if you love blondes :)

2007-07-23 08:00:20 · 10 answers · asked by Legate Tatiana 3

Little Timmy walked into the living room and saw his big sister and her boyfriend making-out. He said, "What are you guys doing?" The sister said, "Um-um, we're playing cards!"
Timmy then walked into his parents bedroom and saw his parents making-out. He said, "What are you guys doing?" The father said, "Um-um. we're playing cards!"
Timmy then went into the garage and saw his grandpa mas***bating. He said, "Grandpa, what are you doing?" The grandfather said, "Um-um, I'm playing cards!"
Timmy shouted, "HA! I got you! It takes TWO people to play cards!!"
The grandfather said, "NOT WHEN YOU HAVE A GOOD HAND!!"
hehe

2007-07-23 07:42:28 · 5 answers · asked by 100% ♥Creole♥ 7

This pizza,is pizza,an pizza,exellent pizza,way pizza,to pizza,keep pizza,an pizza,idiot pizza,busy pizza,for pizza,20 pizza,seconds .pizza,....................
Now read without the word "pizza".

2007-07-23 07:35:00 · 12 answers · asked by fha_chafzeto 2

1. How many seconds are in a year?
2.How many months have 28 days?
3. how many seasons r there?
4. BONUS RIDDLE: What comes in the middle of August but doesnt happen in any other month

2007-07-23 07:27:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple went horse back riding on their honeymoon. While they were riding the wife's horse trips and throws her on the ground. The husband walks up to the horse looks it in the eyes and says "that's one". The wife gathers herself together and get back on the horse. futher up the hill, her horse trips and throws her again, the husband walk up to the horse looks it in the eyes and says "that's two". Further up the hill the horse throws the wife again, and the husbands pulls out a gun and shoots the horse dead. The wife was shocked and started screaming at the husband for shooting the horse. The husband walk up to her look her in the eyes and says "that's one".

2007-07-23 06:53:44 · 11 answers · asked by islandgirl God and family 5

I was watching Larry King the other night and Tammy Faye was the guest, and as we all know that would be her last interview, she made a statement that she wanted to be cremated and not buried because she feared that the worms would eat her, is this true that if you get buried that worms eat your remains?

2007-07-23 06:20:08 · 18 answers · asked by penelope 5

Juxtapose.

2007-07-23 06:14:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-23 06:03:38 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke. 'Golf Course or Intercourse?', I ask. She says, 'Wear your sweater.'"

2007-07-23 05:57:12 · 12 answers · asked by cmwest12 2

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.

That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY I drive past at least one female that has... a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is ARMED!

FLIP ONE OFF??? I THINK NOT!!!

2007-07-23 05:54:02 · 8 answers · asked by cmwest12 2

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must
confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that in here," the priest says.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2007-07-23 05:36:18 · 13 answers · asked by sunshinembf 4

A man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.

"For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money & my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab & again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?',again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out & I don't want ssex any more."

The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husbi or wat"

2007-07-23 05:33:47 · 7 answers · asked by Sigmund 2

not and elephant, giraffe, hippo, 150 people or dunking booth but is going to be at county fair

2007-07-23 05:33:00 · 9 answers · asked by hilandcajungirl 1

A man is at the pearly gates. St. Peter asked him, "Sir, what have you done of good merit to gain you entry into heaven?"
The man said, "Well, once I saw a group of bikers about to attack a girl! I yelled at them to stop,but they would not! So, I went to the biggest biker in the pack, hit him upside the head and kicked-over his bike!"
St. Peter said, "Wow! When did this happen?"
The man said, "ABOUT TWO MINUTES AGO!" hehe

2007-07-23 05:32:19 · 10 answers · asked by 100% ♥Creole♥ 7

Put yourself in gear.
Did you get it.

2007-07-23 05:08:58 · 17 answers · asked by Lily R 6

... but I had to climb over her the other night in bed - and I burnt my bum on the light bulb.

In the morning, I have to stand up to look over her to see if it's daylight !!

2007-07-23 04:54:43 · 27 answers · asked by deebee731 2

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the
other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

2007-07-23 04:33:52 · 18 answers · asked by Sarah R 6

2007-07-23 04:21:36 · 7 answers · asked by OnIowa 2

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands
it to the lawyer.

"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with
his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word the blonde shrugs, reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

2007-07-23 04:21:09 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says:

"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, YOU CRETIN! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential...

"Because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only in breach of the discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens.

"You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little creep on your knee."

2007-07-23 04:15:39 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

IHOP
*hehehehe*
No disrespect to anyone, purely humor!

2007-07-23 04:09:38 · 9 answers · asked by ? 4