Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

So this doctor is cruising down the road doing 145km/h in a 90km/h zone and gets pulled over for speeding and says to the officer please sir I'm a doctor and I've got a medical emergency at the hospital you've got to let me go it's an emergency.

So the officer says well what kind of doctor are you?

The doc says well sir I'm a rectum stretcher.

The cop says WHOA WHOA a what?

The doc says yes you heard me correct a rectum stretcher.

So the cop says and what does that involve I've never heard of that before?

So the doc explains well first I stretch the rectum to about 6 feet or so and then all of a sudden the cop says WHAT!!!!! SIX FEET WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A SIX FOOT ********?

The doc says well sir first of all you give him a radar gun,a badge and a car with flashing lights and sit him on the side of the road.....

2007-07-24 07:42:29 · 9 answers · asked by MetalMaster4x4 5

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."

2007-07-24 07:33:09 · 19 answers · asked by english_monster 2

Three little old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting

on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached
from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in

front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a

stroke. Then Maude also had stroke. But Tilly, Bless her heart, being

older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

2007-07-24 07:28:12 · 15 answers · asked by Sophie 3

man walks past a pet shop sees a talking centipede for sale.
unable to resist he buys it and takes it home.
thinks to him self i'll take it to the pud and show off.
he asks the centipede 'do you want to go for a pint?'
.........silence
he asks again 'do you want to go for a pint?'
again...........silence
shouting abuse 'i'm takin' you back to the shop'
the centipede shouts back 'will you hold i'm putting my bloody shoes on!!!!'

2007-07-24 07:22:39 · 15 answers · asked by willygromit 3

ok when my oldest brother was about 2 it was just my mom, dad, tom and jon.jon was a baby (long before i was born) thsistorie is not about him.



mom was holding jon while standing in line w/ dad tom was in the cart. check out next to them ws a rather LARGE woman and her husband tom looked over and quietly said to dad"daddy thats a big one" thinking tom would just be quiet dad said nothinga little louder(thinking dad hadnt heard him) tom said"daddy thats a big lady!" mom was satding off to the side prestending to be talking to jon and laughing as quietly as she could"then sceaming as loud as he could tom yelled"daddy thats a big one ladyy thats a big one!!!"" completly emberessed he bent over and said yes son now be quiet'



dad still thanks tom when he sees him and tells him his kids r gonna do that to him!! lol hope im there when it happens!!

2007-07-24 07:22:22 · 4 answers · asked by green eyed irish girl 3

1.Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

2007-07-24 05:46:32 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

2007-07-24 05:39:34 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-24 05:31:30 · 5 answers · asked by totallytough 2

Aries: A big mess, some stuff is actually smashed.
Taurus: Your fridge is empty. Licked clean ! The Taurus may be spotted cooking something nearby.
Gemini: A little of everything is missing. The Gemini took food for their friends as well as for themselves.
Cancer: Quite a lot is missing, but they left you a little 'sorry & thank-you' note.
Leo: They didn't take anything because you stocks seemed low, and they invited you to help yourself from their new, big, expensive fridge.
Virgo: Your fridge suddenly looks very clean, and you're sure that it wasn't you who washed it. The cheese is back in the diary section where it is meant to be kept. What's missing: fruit juice and healthy snacks. P.S. the Virgo probably took a lot of time opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside.
Libra: All the chocolates are gone. On the other hand, the Libran may still be there, trying to make up his mind whether to take food from your fridge without asking... it isn't really fair, but on the other hand, you do eat at their place all the time, so...
Scorpio: You can never detect whether a Scorpio has been in your fridge. They rarely leave detectable marks. So whenever your fridge looks as if nobody has been sneaking in it, you may suspect that a Scorp has been there. Anyway, even if the Scorpio hasn't actually been opening your fridge, they suspect all the things that you are hiding there.
Sagittarius: They are probably standing next to the fridge, grinning to you, saying : "hey there, I helped myself to that sandwich you had been saving for eating in bed, I hope you don't mind !"
Capricorn: Cappy has their own fridge, which is probably well stocked. They wouldn't dream of taking your stuff.
Aquarius:
Pisces: They took your beer... but are probably feeling very shy about it.

2007-07-24 05:30:45 · 14 answers · asked by "!" 5

explain :)

2007-07-24 05:24:07 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

ick a hole in a telephone pole with no shoes on?

2007-07-24 05:16:39 · 2 answers · asked by wolfcat 3

You are stuck in a room with no windows or doors. a solid room. Only things that are in this room are a mirror and a table. how do you escape?

2007-07-24 04:54:48 · 16 answers · asked by Shell 1

2007-07-24 04:40:48 · 6 answers · asked by Aref H4 7

A radio DJ is trying to think of the best way too kill his wife because he caught her cheating on him. He has a perfect plan because he is the only one working at the station. He figures he could prepare a CD thats a mix and play it so people would think he is working. He puts the plan into action and slips out of the station. He goes home and shoots and kills his wife. He then gets back in his car and drives back to work. He heres something on the radio and knows he will be caught. He pulls off the side of the road and shoots himself. How did he know he had been caught?

2007-07-24 04:39:19 · 21 answers · asked by jimthesnowboarder 3

There's two fish in a tank, one says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this?"

2007-07-24 04:25:08 · 23 answers · asked by "!" 5

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

2007-07-24 03:37:04 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

2007-07-24 03:03:09 · 8 answers · asked by sunshinembf 4

I'll post the answer in like 20 mins.

2007-07-24 02:10:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

For example, why did the skeleton go to the bar alone?

Because he had noBODY to go with.

who's got the best one out there?

2007-07-24 02:04:58 · 6 answers · asked by unamigosencillo1686 1

A guy goes to a therapist and says, “I think I’m a pervert.” The doctor says "why do you think that?" "Well," he says" I get uncontrollable sexual urges, for instance the other day I saw my wife bending over the chest freezer and I couldn't resist it, I rushed up behind her pulled her pants down and nailed her right there!" "So what,” says the doc “that’s quite normal, no-ones going to call you a pervert for that." "well..........that’s not what they said at Walmart”

2007-07-24 01:47:25 · 7 answers · asked by listen68 3

i worked for samaitans and phoned in sick..... they talked me out of it!!!!!

2007-07-24 01:35:42 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Star it if you like it and get it.

The chicken and the egg are in bed. The chicken is leaning against the head board smoking a cigarette. The egg rolls over and pulls up the sheets and says "Well I guess we answered THAT question!"

2007-07-24 01:08:27 · 15 answers · asked by queen462606 3

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

2007-07-24 01:04:01 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you are tired of getting emails that tell you
to
forward it on to at least 'X' number of people in
the next 15 minutes to get
wonderful things and miracles and tell you that if
you don't, there are bad consequences, then you
will enjoy this.

http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf

2007-07-24 00:54:54 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his s*x life. The man answers that he has an excellent s*x life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his s*xual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying s*xually vital.
"Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your s*x life will improve dramatically."
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.
The clerk then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"
The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the difference?"
The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."
To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me?"

2007-07-24 00:48:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says, "ok, do your sins, come back, and I'll bless you." So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, "I had s*x with a guy." The priest said, "ok," blessed her and said, "go drink some holy water." So she did! The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was. She said, "I got in a fight with another nun." The priest said, "ok," blessed her and said, "go drink some holy water." So she did! The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did. And as she was laughing she said, "I p*ssed in the holy water!"

2007-07-24 00:45:09 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

i know there are 365 days in a year and in a leap year there is i extra day so obviously that makes 366 days. however, on the tv show 'poker face' with ant & dec, this question came up and the correct answer was 367 days. ive been puzzled ever since! thanks :o)

2007-07-24 00:18:01 · 11 answers · asked by Kirsty 4

what goes up when the rain comes down???

come on its too easy !!every body will be right!!but whats the answer???

2007-07-24 00:05:57 · 7 answers · asked by ♥Rose♥ 3

Expressing internal hard disk by words to know others that what he or she thinks and keep in mind.

2007-07-23 23:51:09 · 21 answers · asked by mohan 1

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other schools. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).
Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are attending to pursue a carrier in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)
Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

2007-07-23 23:22:05 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous