Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

i posted this about 3 months ago but though it was so funny i had to post it again new people new comments.
A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."

Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.

"No... I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"

2007-07-23 22:59:29 · 13 answers · asked by Gina B 4

2007-07-23 21:06:28 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

When Nathan dived into the water to save someone, did he die?

2007-07-23 20:32:51 · 6 answers · asked by Colorado Doug 2

A woman who was pregnant went into labor. her husband drove her to the hospital and when they got there, they brought her up and got her all prepared to have the baby. the doctor then told them about a new invention, a machine that took some of the pain the woman was feeling and transferred it to the father. the man said, "alright, we'll try it." so they put it at 25% pain, and the man didn't feel anything so he said, "hey, you know, I don't feel anything, crank it up!" so they put it at 50%. again, he felt nothing, so he said "this ain't so bad, turn it up again!" so they put it at 75% and he again he didn't feel anything so he said "this is nothing! turn it up all the way!" so they put it at 100% and the man still felt nothing. so the baby was delivered, and they came home to find the mailman dead on the doorstep.
funny joke a friend told me, just wanted to see who else thought it was funny. don't think this was exactly how the joke went, but close enough.

2007-07-23 20:26:12 · 17 answers · asked by Sid 4

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

2007-07-23 20:24:42 · 10 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

What is there but you can't see it, sense it, but cant touch it, and belongs to everybody and starts with a w

2007-07-23 20:14:10 · 5 answers · asked by chris_aka_big_red 2

I'm sometimes white,
Although sometimes I'm black.
I take you there,
But never bring you back. What am I?

2007-07-23 20:01:00 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is cabin in the middle of the woods and 2 people are found dead; how did they die?

2007-07-23 19:47:54 · 10 answers · asked by William Z 4

A man want to reach a window which is 40 ft above the ground. The distance from the foot of the ladder to the wall is 9 feet. How long should the ladder be?

2007-07-23 19:15:03 · 4 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

There was a guy stuck in a metal room with a metal door.The door was locked and there were no windows. The following items were inside the room:
a piano, table,a saw,and a bat.
How did the man get out? (3 ways)

2007-07-23 19:04:31 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

An orthopaedist doctor was sitting in his clinic,killing spare flies and mosquitoes which were left after pesticide spray in the clinic.
Suddenly a patient, who was unaware of that Doctor's notorious eccentric behaviour,came for a problem in his leg.
Before the patient could say anything,the doc said:
"I know based on my experience that u have problem in ur right
elbow,it's broken and i am always right".
Patient replied,"No Doc ur wrong,actually....."
All of a sudden, the doctor took a flowerpot and broke it onto his right elbow and said "I told u ,I m so experienced whatever I say is right, ur elbow is broken"

2007-07-23 19:00:49 · 8 answers · asked by Digit Lee 1

"ejaweh akjgwg"

-Helen Keller

2007-07-23 18:56:14 · 7 answers · asked by jessica 2

it can't be too harsh though i don't wanna get in trouble
just a harmless prank that is still funny

2007-07-23 16:27:39 · 13 answers · asked by ♥the sweetness♥ 3

2007-07-23 16:13:49 · 17 answers · asked by Quid 3

First correct answer wins

2007-07-23 16:08:50 · 5 answers · asked by William Z 4

2007-07-23 14:57:32 · 7 answers · asked by Peshwardial M 1

2007-07-23 14:51:32 · 17 answers · asked by jesse12508 1

Service
>
>
> At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the
> word "service."
>
> "It's the act of doing things for other people."
>
> Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
>
> Internal Revenue Service
>
> Postal Service
>
> Telephone Service
>
> Civil Service
>
> City & County Public Service
>
> Customer Service
>
> Service Stations
>
> Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I
> thought "service" meant.
>
> So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had
> hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into
> perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are
> doing to us.
>
> I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

2007-07-23 14:50:22 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied: ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter: "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied: "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy! I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

2007-07-23 14:48:24 · 12 answers · asked by Peggy!! 1

A blonde arrived to school early on her first day back after the summer break. She was prepared, and had all her notebooks, pencils etc. A teacher approached her and asked how her summer was. The blonde replied, "Judge Judy!"

2007-07-23 14:46:53 · 10 answers · asked by Peggy!! 1

he tripped over a cordless phone.

2007-07-23 14:34:56 · 11 answers · asked by Joe J 2

A blond, brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island. The island to their home is 100M away.
The brunette decides to swim there.
She only swims 30M, because thats all she can swim and swims back.
The redhead swims 40M and swims back.
The blonde swims 50M and swims back.


LOL Star if its funny

2007-07-23 14:25:36 · 14 answers · asked by hi. 2

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks,
"Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your
toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"Okay," says the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great
long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips
through the desert."

"Thanks Mom," replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got
these great big humps on my back??"

His mother replies impatiently, "They are there to help us store water
for our long treks across the desert."

"That's great Mom. So we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long
eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes, and these humps to store
water, but Mom..."

"Yes, son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

2007-07-23 13:49:25 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.



Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.



You keep more food than beer in the fridge.



6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.



You hear your favorite song in an elevator.



You watch the Weather Channel.



Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."



You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.



Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."



You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door

Won't turn down the stereo.



Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.



You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.



Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.



You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.



Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.



You take naps from noon to 6 PM



Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.



Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,

Rather than settle, your stomach.



If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid,

Not condoms and pregnancy tests.



A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."



You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.



"I just can't drink the way I used to"

Replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."



90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.



You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.



You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to

You and can't find one to save your sorry old ***.

2007-07-23 13:09:24 · 5 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Alien A: What's the dumbest person on Earth doing on Mars?

Alien B: Correction!!!! you mean the dumbest person on Mars

Alien C: NO NO NO, you both wrong, Scanners indicate he is the dumbest thing in the galaxy!!!!!

2007-07-23 12:48:39 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

i love it! star if you like it,too!

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.

He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.

When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.

He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.


haha! think you've got something funnier?

2007-07-23 12:36:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man is on his deathbed nearing the end, his wife is by his side. and she said honey after your gone is there anything i can do for you? and he says, yes yes there is just one thing she asks 'i'll do anything' and he says 'good marry ben' and she says 'honey i thought you hated ben' with his last breath he says 'i really do hate that bugger'

2007-07-23 12:02:43 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Her t i t s !!

2007-07-23 11:56:18 · 22 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

imagine that you are driving a car 100 miles per hour. The brakes fail the doors lock and the mindows wont roll down, you are heading for a cliff.....what do you do?????????

2007-07-23 11:21:29 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

wearing nothing but cellophane. The doctor say "Clearly I can see your nuts."

A guy tells his psychiatrist, "I can't decide if I'm a teepee or a wigwam". The doctor says "You're just too tents".

A guy walks in to the doctor's office with lettuce in his hair, peas in his nose, a carrot in his ear, and tells the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." The doctor says, "Well, you're not eating right."

2007-07-23 11:16:31 · 9 answers · asked by glinzek 6