Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours .
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.


HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.


HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.


HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.


HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

2007-07-23 04:09:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some chocolate with it instead of dinner?” “No,” I had to stop chocolate years ago, the homeless woman replied.
Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked. “No,” I don’t waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”
“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.”
The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, And chocolate.”

2007-07-23 04:05:58 · 15 answers · asked by "!" 5

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs.

He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know, I would have gotten out today. "

2007-07-23 04:05:13 · 4 answers · asked by listen68 3

Dear Kotex,
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my panti-liner
had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as: Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and
feeling fresh. Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...
Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but Go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back. I'll wait. While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated. Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess
what............

2007-07-23 04:04:28 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town called Weipa. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little prick on your knee."

2007-07-23 03:47:18 · 8 answers · asked by sunshinembf 4

the blind dish washer lost two fingers reading a cheese grater.

2007-07-23 03:40:18 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cheque Account

A rather scruffy-looking man goes into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he says to the teller, "I wanna open a f*cking cheque account."

"Certainly, sir," answered the teller, "but there's no need to use that kind of language."

"Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fu*king cheque account," growled the would-be customer.

"I'll be glad to be of service, sir," said the teller, flushing slightly, "but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way."

"Just lemme open a f*cking cheque account, okay?"

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the angry teller, slipping off her stool and returning shortly with a dapper middle-aged man who asked how he could be of service.

"I just won the ten-million dollar lottery, buddy," snarled the man, "and all I wanna do is open a f*cking cheque account."

"I see," said the manager sympathetically. "And this B*TCH is giving you trouble?"

2007-07-23 03:36:25 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

2007-07-23 03:27:02 · 12 answers · asked by sunshinembf 4

English Chinese
"That's not right" Sum Ting Wong
"Are you harbouring a fugitive?" Hu Yu Hai Ding
"See me ASAP" Kum Hia Nao
"There goes Stupid Man" Dum Dum Wa King
"Small Horse" Tai Ni Po Ni
"Did you go to the beach?" Wai Yu So Tan
"I bumped into a coffee table" Ai Bang Mai Ni
"I think you need a face lift" Chin Tu Fat
"It's very dark in here" Wao So Dim
"I thought you were on a diet" Wai Yu Mun Ching
"This is a tow away zone" No Pah King
"Our meeting is next week" Wai Yu Kum Nao
"Staying out of sight!" Lei Ying Lo
"He's cleaning his automobile" Wa Shing Ka
"Your body odour is offensive" Yu Stin Ki Pu
"Great" Su Pah

2007-07-23 03:16:42 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."

The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.

The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night." The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."

Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.

The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat." The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.

The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"

The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a vantriliqist"

2007-07-23 02:59:47 · 13 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

"Story by a man in Tesco"

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
On impulse, I told her no,I was starting The Winalot Diet
again,although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time,but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that
it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat 1 or 2 every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified,she asked if I'dended up in the hospital in that
condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was
because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls when a car hit me.

Stupid cow.....why else would I buy dog food?

2007-07-23 01:31:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

she's on the gas stove and she says she's riding the range!

2007-07-23 00:24:31 · 11 answers · asked by majoti 5

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I f*rt all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've f*rted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm f*rting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

2007-07-23 00:19:27 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...


CELEBRATE!!!"

2007-07-23 00:16:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman wants a partner, but she is tired of the meeting the same old guys, so she decides to put an ad in the local paper. It gives her name and address and says: 'I am looking for a man who won't beat me, won't run from me and can please me sexually."
Over the next week, various men turn up, but none quite fit the criteria. The woman is losing hope when she hears the doorbell ring. Opening the door, she sees a man with no arms or legs sitting in a motorised wheelchair.
"Can I help you?" She asks.
The man explains that he has come in response to her ad. "Look," He says. "I know I'm not what you were expecting, but hear me out. You said you wanted a man who wouldn't beat you - I have no arms so I couldn't." The woman is forced to concede that this is true. "You also wanted a man who wouldn't run from you. I have no legs, so I couldn't."
Again, this is true. "But what about pleasing me in the bedroom? How do I know you could satisfy me?"
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" He smiles.

2007-07-23 00:15:55 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

. . . . . off a piece of rope.
They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths.
So the brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself.
Then at the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping

2007-07-23 00:12:03 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said...
"er HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows duhh....!!!


:D

2007-07-23 00:03:21 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."


When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished


A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


A young son asked, "Is it true dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.



Just think if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "



Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus so shut the hell up

2007-07-22 23:59:43 · 11 answers · asked by emesumau 4

What does this joke mean?

2007-07-22 23:51:43 · 5 answers · asked by Shard 1

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Scroll Down. --->




















































































<----- Scroll Up.

2007-07-22 23:39:11 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

2007-07-22 23:38:54 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line.


Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you, cause I was pissed.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty, you float with grace,
If only you, could hide your face.

I thought that I could love no other,
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel, your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag, off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Every time I see your face,
I wish I were in outer space.

I saw your face, as you walked by,
But then I saw, a better guy.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you, screwed up my life.

I see your face, when I am dreaming,
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away,
What have you stepped in, to smell this way.

My feelings for you, no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

2007-07-22 23:27:40 · 11 answers · asked by pd6491 2

There's a frog with no arms and legs, he needs to get across the highway! How does he do it?


.......hint! Take the the F out of free and the F out of way!

lol

2007-07-22 23:22:53 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

2007-07-22 23:21:26 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mike was sitting at the bar. He ordered a drink and saw this beautiful woman sitting a few seats down. He smiles at her and she smiles back. When she was getting up from her seat to go talk to Mike another man walks up to her. Mike was caught off guard because the man wasn't a very good looking man at all. Suddenly the woman and the ugly man walked out of the bar together giggling.

The bartender brings Mike his drink. Frazzled he asked the bartender "Are those two regulars?"
The bartender looks at him and said "Well the girl is, but I have never seen the man before."
"Do you suppose their dating?"
"I don't think so, they came in at seperate times and didn't notice each other until now."
"Did you hear anything they said?" Mike asked
To which the bartender replies, "I didn't hear anything, but I did see him touch his ear with his tounge."
hehe ♥

2007-07-22 23:20:05 · 2 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, im hurt all over."

"What do you mean?" said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."

2007-07-22 23:18:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

2007-07-22 23:06:44 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde is on holiday and she wallks into an internet cafe to send an e-mail to her mum in America.

She doesn't know how to work the computers so she goes up to the guy on the desk and says: "Excuse me could you help me send an e-mail to my mum?"

The guy says "Yeh, but it will cost ya"

And the blonde says "Sure i'll do anything for my mum"

The guy says: "In that case follow me"

So she follows him into the back room and he pushes her down onto her knees, he unzips his trousers and pulls down his boxers and says: "Well go on then you said you'd do anything!"

So she picks up his d_ _k, holds it to her mouth and says: "Hello.........mum are you there?"

2007-07-22 23:05:08 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 man
1st man have a knife
2nd man have sleepin pills
3rd man have 3 glass of water
they were trap in a cage the first day
the 2nd day a door was open but only 1 came out
who was it and why was he the only one who came out in the 2nd day

2007-07-22 23:03:43 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

Quietly the guy on the stool next to him, leans over and says "You should know that the bartender is blonde and so is the bouncer. Plus I myself am blonde and there are two blonde football players sitting on your right. Now go ahead and tell your joke."

"Oh no..." replied the blind guy. "I'm not telling it and have to explain it 5 times"

2007-07-22 23:01:30 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous