Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred dollars? What do you mean $200?!

2007-07-22 22:59:28 · 8 answers · asked by Sigmund 2

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance because I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

2007-07-22 22:41:55 · 15 answers · asked by pd6491 2

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly - pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's perfect".

2007-07-22 22:39:44 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death

2007-07-22 22:26:04 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-22 22:19:47 · 7 answers · asked by cool_dude 1

MasterCard Wedding -- You gotta love this guy.This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to
thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a
special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man

2007-07-22 22:16:17 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

if an electric train was travelling north at 150 miles an hour and a car was travelling south at 150 miles an hour what direction would the trains smoke be travelling in?

2007-07-22 22:12:04 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Now this is what's called a good wife:
A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses... "He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

2007-07-22 22:00:49 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

What kinds of "trip-ups" do you find the funniest? As for me, my favorite is when someone walks into a sliding glass patio door, thinking its open. This usually happens to a relative during parties

2007-07-22 21:59:15 · 2 answers · asked by cpc26ca 1

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

2007-07-22 21:49:27 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

2007-07-22 21:33:18 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Billy Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

2007-07-22 20:44:49 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”

2007-07-22 20:43:29 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I cannot be felt, seen or touched;
Yet I can be found in everybody;
My existence is always in debate;
Yet I have my own style of music.
What Am I?

2007-07-22 18:08:41 · 27 answers · asked by TuttiDolce 4

Does anyone know of any good websites with good jokes...not the same old boring stuff that everyone has. Or does anyone have any good jokes or funny stories of their own??

2007-07-22 17:17:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without. But whatever you do,
you'll regret it later.
Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
Ladies first, pretty ladies sooner.
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak !!
Star it if u like it:-)

2007-07-22 16:54:45 · 3 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

to be invited to the J&R section?

`

2007-07-22 16:30:04 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

"By the pricking of my thumbs,a wicked Muffin this way comes".

2007-07-22 16:14:26 · 4 answers · asked by bonsai bobby 7

Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That? I am The Riddler. Answer my riddles.

What runs, but never walks?
What has a mouth, and never talks?
What has a bed, but never sleeps?
What has a head, but never weeps?

2007-07-22 16:05:19 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

2007-07-22 16:01:37 · 9 answers · asked by gub gub 2

I had to add my 2c worth!
LOL

2007-07-22 15:34:10 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-22 15:18:38 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-22 15:18:07 · 23 answers · asked by mrs O 6

I mean it!

2007-07-22 15:13:23 · 8 answers · asked by Alexi 2

seriously i log on and like over half of the questions are about bran muffins. lol does anyone know how that started?

2007-07-22 15:10:55 · 10 answers · asked by random bailey 5

2007-07-22 15:10:06 · 5 answers · asked by Ũniνέгsäl Рдnтsthέisт™ 7

Where can I get good angel dust for my Heavenly Bran Muffins?

2007-07-22 15:00:40 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-22 14:53:44 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-22 14:52:43 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-22 14:48:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous