Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up ! Quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

2007-07-25 02:03:58 · 24 answers · asked by Taddy 2

An Englishman visiting Texas for the first time was taken around by a friend who showed him the sights. The Englishman noticed that every thing was large than normal, the cars were huge, the buildings were large too, and commented to his friend that everything was large!! The Texan quips, "Yes siree, everything's big in Texas." That evening, the Texan hosted a dinner i honour of his friend in one of the biggest hotels around, and naturally, our friend after having a large amount of Bourbon, was wasted. He felt like a leak and so asked directions to the men's room. Walking in the direction indicated, he happened to trip and fell into a swimming pool. As he thrashed about in the water, he remembered his friends words about everyting being big in Texas. Then he heard voices. He panicked, and screamed. "for heavens sake, please don't flush!!"

2007-07-25 00:12:58 · 10 answers · asked by Tellerofawesomejokes 3

A girl comes home from school and says, " Mommy, mommy I counted till 10 today while the other children could only count till 5. Is it because Im blonde mommy?"
The mommy replies " yes my darling and Im very proud of you."
The next day the girl comes home from school and says, "Mommy, mommy I said the alphabet till M while the other children could only say till G. Is it because Im blonde mommy?"
"Yes my darling, "replied the mommy. "And I'm very proud of you, well done."
The following day the girl comes home and says, "Mommy, mommy today after gymnastics we took a shower and I saw that I have the biggest boobies, the other girls have tiny ones". Lifting her top and proudly displaying her assets." Is it because Im blonde mommy?" asked the girl...
"No my darling" replied the mommy..."its because you are 25"

*STAR IF YOU LIKE;-)

2007-07-24 23:33:55 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you breathe through something so small...........

2007-07-24 23:20:36 · 15 answers · asked by The Philosopher 1

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA

7. Waving at everyone that you pass,eating a moon pie,sipping an RC, smiling and chewing and talking to yourself. TENNESSE

8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

12.. Knee up against steering wheel, one hand on Tim Horton's coffee cup, cell phone in ear, accelerator to the floor, applying makeup/ doing crossword puzzle/ reading morning Free Press, knocking down orange barrels, changing lanes without turn signals : MICHIGAN

2007-07-24 23:17:49 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Harvey Wallbanger with 6 chasers

2007-07-24 23:05:07 · 17 answers · asked by The Philosopher 1

Trying to claw their way out of their coffin

2007-07-24 22:56:14 · 12 answers · asked by The Philosopher 1

Her mum told her daughter to help her burn a CD coz she wan a song from the internet and the song name is : (color of my hearts) den she giv her the CD to burn ...........her mum den go out to buy dinner...after a while she come bak home, she ask her daughter: Hav u burn finish ?? den she say yes...after dat her mum take the cane and whack her up...u know why?? because she
set up fire and burn off all her CD!!!

2007-07-24 22:10:41 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

As she reads her book a game warden pulls up and says he is going to give her a ticket because she is fishing in restricted water.
"I'm not fishing!" she said.
"Yes but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"If you do that, I'll charge you with sexual assault" says the woman.
"But I haven't touched you!" exclaims the warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start any moment."
"Have a nice day, Ma'am" as he left......

2007-07-24 22:06:13 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

They will cost $499 to $599 depending on speaker size.
This is considered a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and NOT listening to them.

2007-07-24 21:29:52 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth.

2007-07-24 21:25:47 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Girl was in the hospital, her parents sat waiting in the waiting room...finally the doctor comes out. Both parents jump up, and the whole room watches. "Is it serious?" the mom asked. "She needs a brain transplant" the doctor replies. Both parents stand silent for a moment...then the father asks, "How much is it gonna cost?"
The brain? Girl's are 450 dollars, and boy's are 5,800dollars"
All the men in the room seem to chuckle to themselves, then finally the fatherbrings himself to ask, "Why are the boys more expensive than the girl's?" THe doctor looks at him and replies, "We have to mark the girl's down because they're used."

2007-07-24 21:19:13 · 11 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take
two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step,
step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he
reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing,
and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear...."

2007-07-24 21:17:47 · 8 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

A blonde who is wearing a dress is walking home from school. She comes across a boy sitting up in a tree.
The boy says to do a cartwheel and the girl says no. Then the boy says "I'll give you a cookie."
So the blonde does a cartwheel. When she gets home, her mom asks where she got the cookie from.
The blonde tells her mother about the boy in the tree and the cartwheel.
The mother twills her daughter not to do that anymore. The boy is just trying to see her underwear.
The next day the blonde is wearing a dress again and the boy asks her to do a cartwheel again.
The blonde says no and the boy says "I'll give you a cookie." So the blonde does the cartwheel again.
When the blonde gets home, the mom says "Did you do a cartwheel again."
The blonde says "Yes"
The mom says "Honey I told you not to do that, the boy is just trying to see your underwear."
Then the blonde says "But mom I tricked him,today I didn't wear any underwear!"

2007-07-24 21:17:01 · 7 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

2007-07-24 21:15:45 · 6 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

For the people who just answed my train driver question thanks cuz i feel really stupid now but what about this one.....

HOW LONG IS A SKINNY CHINA MAN?????

2007-07-24 21:13:47 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.Imagine u r driving a train.....

Pls feel free 2 write ne of this down....

U go to the first stop and 10 ppl get on this train.....

At the next 5 ppl get off the train and anotha 20 get on....

Anotha 5 get off and 4 get on at the next station....

And at the final station, 2 ppl get off the train and 7 get on...




From all of this can u tell me the name of the driver?

2007-07-24 21:03:59 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Football FINALLY makes sense....... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. they had great seats behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

2007-07-24 20:24:00 · 13 answers · asked by josey 3

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

2007-07-24 20:17:57 · 9 answers · asked by Sigmund 2

Yo mommas so fat when she went bunji jumping da cliff fell down wiif her!

Yo mommas so ugly wen she entered da ugly comp they asked for no pros!


Yo mommas so old, she's got a picture of jesus in her high school yearbook!

Yo mommas so old she was the waitress at the last supper

Yo mammas so old she babysat Jesus

2007-07-24 20:09:41 · 11 answers · asked by Lara X 1

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070724224040AALgWMu&r=w

2007-07-24 19:37:20 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were 2 bananas walking on the street under a hot weather. The 1st banana cannot stand the heat, take off his shirt and continue walking. What happen to then 2nd banana?

2007-07-24 19:00:29 · 15 answers · asked by marg 2

2007-07-24 18:33:49 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

When the guy got out I notised he was a Dwarf.He walked to my car I rolled down the window.He said "I'm not to happy"
"I said if your not Happy than which one of the Seven Dwarfs are you!"

2007-07-24 14:49:16 · 8 answers · asked by thresher 7

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which
said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to
remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to
religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign
down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an
easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which
now read:

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

2007-07-24 14:49:03 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

can someone make me laugh. my dog just died. i have knowen her since i was 5 years old. she lived to me very old.

i am so sad = (

someone please make me fell better.

2007-07-24 14:26:54 · 6 answers · asked by all loved up 1

2007-07-24 14:04:21 · 16 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

riddle

2007-07-24 13:51:24 · 9 answers · asked by Punky 1

2007-07-24 13:22:54 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

So one day, as God is leaving his bathroom, he opens the door to find Jesus standing there, waiting for his turn. Jesus gasps for air dramatically and yells, "Holy crap!"



your father is so dirty that when he laid a fart the cockaroaches ran out of the wall and said "raise your hands, stomp your feet, and praise the lord we got heat."

2007-07-24 13:19:27 · 11 answers · asked by "!" 5