Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A: I may take a while to get hard. I just got laid.

.

2007-07-25 23:15:42 · 6 answers · asked by Bored 5

A concert in Ireland
> >
> >A t a U2 concert in Ireland , Bono (the lead
> singer) asks the audience for
> >some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his
> hands. Holding the audience
> >in total silence, he says into the microphone...."I
> want you to think about
> >something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in
> Africa dies."
> >
> >A voice from the front of the audience yells
> out...."Then stop clapping, ya
> >fooking a_ _hole!"
> >
> >You Got To Love the Irish!

2007-07-25 23:06:13 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

1st one to get it right gets the 10 points

2007-07-25 22:57:37 · 8 answers · asked by KAM 3

Where do I live? The closest and most narrowed down guess will get 10 points!

2007-07-25 22:40:21 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok .. there are 9 stables for horses to live in, and each stable can only have 1 horse.. how come 10 horses are able to squeeze inside?

2007-07-25 22:39:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 Tasks



A guy gets hit by a car and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil is standing in front of 3 doors. The devil says, "It's your lucky day. I'm gonna give you a chance to get out of hell. You have to complete 3 tasks.

"Behind this first door is a 1-gallon jug of Jack Daniel's. You have to drain it in one drink.

"Behind the second door is a 600 lb. grizzly bear with a sore tooth. You have to pull the tooth out.

"Behind the third door is a nymphomaniac. When you've completely satisfied her, you can leave."

The guy figures it's worth a shot, so he goes in the first door and manages to drink the whole jug of liquor. He goes in the second door, shuts it, and the most horrible commotion can be heard from inside the room. 20 minutes later, the guy finally comes out. His clothes are torn to shreds, and he is sliced and scratched head to toe.

Finally he manages to say, "Ok, where's that girl with the sore tooth?"

2007-07-25 22:33:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The United States spent $200,000.00 and two years studying why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. After two years the researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft simply for a mans pleasure.

The Germans did not think the Americans conducted an accurate study so they did the same study except they spent $300,000.00 and three years. After three years they determined that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft simply for the pleasure of women.

Now the Polish did not believe that the Germans or the Americans had any clue as to what they were studying. So the Polish did a study of their own and spent $400.00 and four weeks and concluded that the head of a man's penis was there so his hand would not slip off and hit him in the forehead.

2007-07-25 22:18:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

My life can be measured in hours,
I serve by being devoured.
Thin, I am quick
Fat, I am slow
Wind is my foe.
What am I?

2007-07-25 22:13:30 · 7 answers · asked by ShelFish 4

First, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

2007-07-25 22:07:14 · 17 answers · asked by deebee731 2

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

2007-07-25 21:15:37 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four blondes went to the bar in their pick-up. Three sat up in the cab and one sat in the bed of the truck. The three blondes were in the bar for about an hour before the fourth finally came in, looking frustrated. They asked, 'What took you so long?' She responded, 'Well, I had trouble getting the tail gate open!'

2007-07-25 21:13:27 · 10 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, whom he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability". Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to, please oh please, oh please, let me have the ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the snow! Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturition while in a vertical position. Adam was so happy that he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest to him, while laughing with delight all the while. It was so good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

2007-07-25 21:02:50 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Maths

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter,

I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this,


I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

shami.....

2007-07-25 20:11:59 · 5 answers · asked by shami742003 1

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, "The b*st*rd used coins!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

2007-07-25 20:11:54 · 12 answers · asked by Jim 7

AN ELDERLY MARRIED COUPLE SCHEDULED THEIR ANNUAL MEDICAL EXAMINATION ON THE SAME DAY SO THEY COULD TRAVEL TOGETHER.

AFTER THE EXAMINATION, THE DOCTOR THEN SAID TO THE ELDERLY MAN; "YOU APPEAR TO BE IN GOOD HEALTH. DO YOU HAVE ANY MEDICAL CONCERNS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS WITH ME?"
"IN FACT, I DO ", SAID THE MAN.
"AFTER I HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE FOR THE FIRST TIME, I AM USUALLY HOT AND SWEATY. AND THEN, AFTER HAVING SEX WITH MY WIFE THE SECOND TIME, I AM USUALLY COLD AND CHILLY."
"THIS IS VERY INTERESTING ", REPLIED THE DOCTOR. "LET ME DO SOME RESEARCH AND GET BACK TO YOU."


AFTER EXAMINING THE ELDERLY LADY, THE DOCTOR SAID: "EVERYTHING APPEARS TO BE FINE. DO YOU HAVE ANY MEDICAL CONCERNS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS WITH ME?"

THE LADY REPLIED THAT SHE HAD NO QUESTIONS NOR CONCERNS. THE DOCTOR THEN ASKED; "YOUR HUSBAND HAD AN UNUSUAL CONCERN. HE CLAIMS THAT HE IS USUALLY HOT AND SWEATY AFTER HAVING SEX THE FIRST TIME WITH YOU AND THEN COLD AND CHILLY AFTER THE SECOND TIME. DO YOU KNOW WHY?"
"OH THAT OLD COOT!" SHE REPLIED. "THAT'S BECAUSE THE FIRST TIME IS USUALLY IN JULY AND THE SECOND TIME IS USUALLY IN DECEMBER!"

2007-07-25 20:03:32 · 4 answers · asked by shami742003 1

It was the pope with a candlestick in the basement!

2007-07-25 19:09:43 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ive posted this one before but its my favorite,,if you like it give me a star!!

Funny: teen pregnancy and a parents heartbreak...or not?
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed
her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
"who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and
impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of
the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and
the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed
me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation
but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house,
2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a$2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a Factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You f*** her again."

2007-07-25 19:07:09 · 9 answers · asked by karen g 3

hmmm?

2007-07-25 18:51:43 · 9 answers · asked by wafflez 2

Whoever tells the scariest one win 10 points.

2007-07-25 18:13:32 · 8 answers · asked by BlahBlah 4

for reissuing the "official" statement that Catholic Is the Only authentic church, and the other religions are swell meeting places and nice ideas, but officially "not churches." I think Jesus covered it thoroughly when he said,"Wherever two or more are gathered there also am I ", which means you don't need a church at all to talk to God, just a witness....Jesus kept it simple...no reason to argue. Now, in protest to the Pope's JOKE of a statement, here's my pope joke:

A mafia "businessman" has an audience with the pope and says,"My business contacts want to pay the Vatican TWO million dollars to change the words in the Lord's Prayer to
"Give us this day our daily chicken." Then the church will have a lot of money...my associates will be happy..they'll sell a lot of chicken..." the pope interrupts him-
"That is blasphemy, my son..it is unthinkable...Begone!"
The man politely leaves. Next day the pope gets a phone call.
It's the guy--"FIVE Million! My associates are prepared to

2007-07-25 18:11:56 · 12 answers · asked by Monsieur Recital Vinyliste 6

A man has a wolf, a chicken, and a bag of grain. He has to get all three items across the river. There is one boat which can only hold the man and one item. If he takes the wolf across the river first then the chicken will eat the grains. If he takes the grains first then the wolf will eat the chicken. How does he get all three items across the river safely.?

* THe river is deep, and there is no bridge.

2007-07-25 18:04:16 · 12 answers · asked by BlahBlah 4

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2007-07-25 17:51:25 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-25 17:48:45 · 11 answers · asked by manic monday 2

".........and after doctors removed the President's polyps, they re-inserted his head in his as* "

2007-07-25 17:33:38 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

He ventured all around and finally found himself in Florida when his car brakes down.... Imagine this... Right in front of a mechanics shop... The mechanic tells him... "I will have this fixed in an hour!" So the penguin stops at a tourists shop... gets a tasty treat... takes a look at the ocean and after an hour passes he goes back to the mechanic... "Well" the mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal!" The penguin replies with an astonished look, "No it's just icecream!"

2007-07-25 16:44:45 · 13 answers · asked by Kimbo 4

whoever solves this riddle gets 10 points;)

What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it,
The rich don't need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?

2007-07-25 16:27:46 · 15 answers · asked by Sabine 6

President Felipe Calderón of Mexico has announced Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics. He stated,
"Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del país."

Translation:
"Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

2007-07-25 15:30:23 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Rich want it the poor need it.
If you eat it you will die
It is greater than god and more evil than the devil.
What is it?
Best answer gerts 10 points :)

2007-07-25 15:21:14 · 13 answers · asked by Super Saz 3

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships. "Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counselled the therapist. So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon. When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

2007-07-25 15:19:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men go to a pet store to buy a dog each. in the store, a sign says Dalmatians - 8 dollars. Cocker Spaniels - 9 dollars. Golden Retrievers - 10 dollars. The first man walks in and puts 10 dollars on the counter. The guy at the counter asks him which dog he would like, and the man tells him he wants a cocker spaniel. the clerk hands him the puppy, and he walks away. The second man walks in, and puts 10 dollars on the counter. the clerk then wordlessly picks out a golden retriever puppy. How did he know what dog the man wanted?

2007-07-25 14:49:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous