Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

A guy was camping in a jungle. He got up to get a leak in the middle of the night. He took his gun and came out of the tent right into a lion. Both the guy and the lion were taken by surprise, they looked at each other in the eyes for a second. The guy collected his bearings first and took a shot at the lion as the lion leapt upon him. His shot missed the lion and the lion, fortunately, leapt over his head, landed some feet away and ran into the forest. He decided to take practice on short -range target shooting first thing in the morning and went to sleep. As decided, he woke up in the early morning and went to an open area for practice. There he saw a lion was practicing short leaps.

2007-07-26 03:54:06 · 15 answers · asked by SAMMYBOY 2

Five guys were on a plane...a kid, a preacher, a doctor, the captain, and a lawyer. The captain came on the P.A. system and says "Mayday, Mayday! We're going down and there is only four vests on the plane. You guys decide who's staying but I'm jumping now!!!" The doctor says "I've saved lives my whole life so I think that I should get one," so the doctor jumps. The lawyer says "I'm the smartest man in the world. I've solved over nine dozen cases so I'm jumpin' bye!" So the preacher goes up to the kid and says "I've lived a long and happy life and I know I'm going to heaven, so you take the last vest and go." The kid says "No, you grab this one and I'll grab the other one because the smartest man in the world just jumped with my book bag!!!!"

2007-07-26 03:48:11 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

After this Presidential term for George W. Bush and his 8 year service as the man on top, the commander and chief of USA and the biggest influence in politics since Winston Churchill, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. He insisted that the stamp to be of "INTERNATIONAL QUALITY." When the stamps were duly released, he began hearing complaints of the stamp not being able to stick properly, and he became furious and does the Bush Wiggy.

He called the Chief of Postal Services to his Oval office to question him and ask him to investigate the matter. The Chief returns and provides his report of the issue...

He said: "Mr. President, the stamp is of really "INTERNATIONAL QUALITY". The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!!!"

2007-07-26 03:45:06 · 8 answers · asked by JC...Living Passively 2

Ok so this blonde is hungry. She gose into a library and ask the clerk, "Can i have a number 1 with french fries?"
And the clerk responds, "This isn't a food place, quite down!"
Then the blonde whispers,"oh ok........can i have a number 1 with french fries?"

2007-07-26 03:37:39 · 16 answers · asked by Andy 2

2007-07-26 03:35:09 · 20 answers · asked by Sheila 3

What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.



What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.



Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.



Why do men like smart women?

Opposites attract.



How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.



How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.



How do men define a "50/50" relationship?

We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.



How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.



How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Make him wear shoes.

2007-07-26 03:34:48 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young engineer, fresh out of University, was in an interview with a well known, high end, company. The interview was going rather well, & was now reaching the end. "I have 1 last question to ask you." says the human resources manager."What starting salary were you thinking about?" The young engineer sat back & thought for a minute & finally said: "Well, I'm thinking in the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The manager stared at him for a minute & said: "Well, I'm not sure we can offer that...what would you say to a package of 5 weeks PAID vacation, 14 PAID holidays, full medical & dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, & will even throw in a company car, leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The engineer's eyes grew wide, & he sat up straight, trying to hold his composure, & said: "WOW!!! I can't believe this! Are you kidding?"
The manager replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

2007-07-26 03:33:28 · 2 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

Last Halloween, all eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host, Peter, rushed to intercept her. "Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.
"This is it," the beautiful woman calmly explained. "I came as Adam."
"Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a dick!"
"I just got here, Peter," the redhead replied. "Give me a few minutes."

2007-07-26 03:25:45 · 25 answers · asked by "!" 5

2007-07-26 03:24:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is told by his doctor that he has got 1 more month to live because of cancer. The sick man, with the help of his son, arranges for a great farewell party to all his friends. All his friends are present. After the second toast, he tells his pals that he is going to die of AIDS soon. Everybody is shocked to learn that but says nothing. On the way back home his asks him why he told AIDS instead of cancer. He says to his son, ' Son, after my death, I do not want these guys bother your mom '.

2007-07-26 03:15:46 · 15 answers · asked by SAMMYBOY 2

A girl came home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair.
"Sally," she said, "you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding."
"I didn't mom," Sally replied. "I was giving a bl*wjob to a Chinese guy and he threw up on me."

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her cl** was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."

2007-07-26 02:59:31 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

First person to answer right gets the 10 extra points.
A man stood looking through the window on the sixth floor of an office building. Suddenly, he was overcome by an impulse. He opened the window and leapt through it. It was a sheer drop outside the building to the ground. He did not use a parachute or land in water or any kind of special soft surface.Yet the man was completely unhurt when he landed. How could that be?

2007-07-26 02:57:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

You did it' tell the truth it was you.

2007-07-26 02:54:15 · 19 answers · asked by denis9705 5

POLICE
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my
K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy
staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he
asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked
at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches
to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my
afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth
soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will
never believe this!"

2007-07-26 02:40:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

there are barely 4 and half hours left in my birthdays ending. what should i do to make it memorable?

2007-07-26 02:30:53 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hig!"and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"

2007-07-26 02:15:47 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?

They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
>
OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back. "Your f*cking brother won't let me in without a tie!"

2007-07-26 00:58:46 · 14 answers · asked by Jim 7

2007-07-26 00:45:35 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok, here it is:

There was a doctor who slept with one of his patients and he felt really bad about it so he told his mates. They just said to him, "Don't worry about it, it happens to people all the time," but somewhere in his mind his conscience was saying, "Dude, you're a vet."

Do u think this was funny?? My friend told our group today at break and we cracked up laughing...

2007-07-26 00:42:12 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

sometimes im a little afraid of it.

2007-07-26 00:36:30 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Building a New Kind of Car ***

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.

"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied.

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"
"Ten years to life."

Helicopter in Seattle **

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER". The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."

2007-07-26 00:34:44 · 22 answers · asked by PnkFlr 5

Whistle through its pecker.

2007-07-26 00:26:06 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

when I'm born, I'm black
when I'm growing up, I'm black
when I sit in te sun, I'm black
when I'm cold, I'm black
when I'm scared, I'm black
when I'm sick, I'm black
when I'm dead, I'm black
And you, White-guy
when you're born, you're pink
when you grow up, you're white
when you sit in the sun, you're red
when you're cold, you're blue
when you're scared, you're yellow
when you're sick, you're green
when you're dead, you're gray
........................
And you're calling me "Coloured'?! You freakin' rainbow!

2007-07-26 00:24:39 · 6 answers · asked by Chips 4

Blonde in 1st Class ***

A blonde bombshell walks into the airplane and sits in 1st Class and the stewardess asks her for her ticket. The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket.

The blonde says, "I'm a cute looking blonde and I'm flying first class."

The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta....

The blonde then retorts, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class".

Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening....

The blonde tells him, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class....

The captain whispers in her ear...and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin...

The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast..

He replied, "I told her that 1st class is not going to Atlanta."

Engine Failure ***

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

2007-07-26 00:22:58 · 21 answers · asked by PnkFlr 5

The name gives you a very clear signal about what to do when you encounter one in a car...DODGE IT. However, then there is the DODGE RAM. Are they sending mixed messages?

2007-07-26 00:22:03 · 3 answers · asked by sassychickensuckerboy 4

When he gets there the price has been reduced to £25. So as to keep things tidy he gives the three managers £1 each back and pockets the £2 left over.
The three managers have now laid out £9 each = £ 27 and the gofer has £2 making £29 altogether laid out.
What happened to the £1 from the original £30?
A conundrum for those who have not heard it.

2007-07-26 00:21:35 · 8 answers · asked by Jonathan V 7

Mother in Law and the Lion ***

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Went for a Dive ***

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible,' said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

2007-07-26 00:17:31 · 10 answers · asked by PnkFlr 5

Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the Newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, So we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they Moved so that they would not have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure It works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain And haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time For three days and the second time for four days. About the coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it Would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut Them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried Because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it Is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks Just like your brother….

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull Him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him Cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because They couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but
The envelope was already sealed.

2007-07-26 00:15:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. people who point at their wrist while asking for the time. i know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? do i point at my crotch when i ask where the toilet is?

2. people who are willing to get off their **** to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. when people say "oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". damn right! what good is cake if you cant eat it?
when people say "its always the last place you look". of course it is! why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? do people do this? who and where are they?

4. when people say while watching a film "did you see that?". no loser, i paid £6 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

5. people who ask "can i ask you a question?". didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

2007-07-25 23:50:38 · 19 answers · asked by Slimm D 3

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then
captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners
that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the
trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces
of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to
gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove
the fruits up your *** without any expression on your face or you'll
be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced
out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that
this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing
just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all
those watermelons!"

2007-07-25 23:42:41 · 11 answers · asked by ♠♥Mi$$vỜnDutch♪♫ 3