Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.

The mother told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.”

Satisfied with the answer, the boy left to play in the ocean, but returned to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “pee-pees” than his dad.

His mother explained, “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.” Again, satisfied with the answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again, promptly informing his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!”

2007-07-27 02:01:05 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

An asian man walked into a bank to ask for his yen to be converted to american dollar. He gave the teller his yen and she gave him $70.
The next day, the same asian man walked back into the bank to convert the same amount yen as the day before. This time the teller gave him $60.
"Why the difference?" asked the asian man
"It's called fluctuations" replied the teller
"Oh," said the asian man and before he walked out of the bank he yelled "And fluck you American's too!"

2007-07-27 01:11:24 · 8 answers · asked by Guitar Heroine 3

A man came to the U.S. from Russia. When he entered the country, he was given food stamps and a welfare check. He saw a man on the street and said, "Thank you American for this wonderful country."
The man replied, "I'm not an American, I'm an arab."
The Russian man continued on and saw another man walking by. He said, "American, thank you fro this wonderful country."
The man replied,"I'm not an American, I'm a Mexican."
The Russian man apologized and continued on. He saw a woman walking down the street and said, "Ms. American, thank you for this wonderful country."
The woman replied, "I'm not an American, I'm Korean."
The Russian man asked, "Then where are all of the Americans?"
The woman replied, "Well it's only 1:30, they're probably at work."

2007-07-27 01:02:23 · 8 answers · asked by nothing 5

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

2007-07-27 00:34:24 · 4 answers · asked by pappatoad2 2

Telephone Network ****

American scientists dug 50 meters down in the underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, America announced that the ancient Americans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the Japanese government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they round small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Japanese 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber net.

Filipino scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters down in the underground, but found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Filipinos 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.



Old Maid in a Bus ***

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead *****."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common

2007-07-27 00:18:30 · 15 answers · asked by PnkFlr 5

Hearing Aids ***
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Talking Clock ***

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock", the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall " KNOCK IT OFF, ******* ! It's two AM!

2007-07-27 00:12:14 · 26 answers · asked by PnkFlr 5

You looked a lot like my wife
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

2007-07-26 22:58:18 · 13 answers · asked by sami 3

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you buy some Budweiser with it instead?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up Budweiser, gambling, and golf!

2007-07-26 22:36:01 · 17 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Q..What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?


A: About 2 cans of hair spray




Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.




Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

2007-07-26 22:21:40 · 26 answers · asked by sami 3

A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."

2007-07-26 22:19:40 · 12 answers · asked by Brad 2

How To Tell You've Joined A BAD HMO !!!


The Chief Surgeon's diploma is from the University of Benihana.

The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day."

Your proctologist makes house calls in a Roto-Rooter van.

Your Prozac comes in different colors with little 'm's on them.

Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

Use of antibiotics is deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."

You ask for Viagra, and you get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

The only expense covered 100% is cremation.

Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

"Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters!

2007-07-26 22:17:09 · 8 answers · asked by pd6491 2

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

2007-07-26 22:09:08 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
The owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

2007-07-26 22:08:11 · 20 answers · asked by pd6491 2

This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite. "

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite. .. what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er...features. ..of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a penis... ...AND a brain?"

2007-07-26 22:07:13 · 12 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree

2007-07-26 22:01:22 · 18 answers · asked by sami 3

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "we should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

2007-07-26 21:49:42 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man calls his wife from the emergency room and says
"honey, there was an accident at work today, and I cut off my finger"
The wife asks "the HOLE finger?"
The husband replies "No, the one next to it"

2007-07-26 21:48:39 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab; things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger:"Sounds like he was something really special".

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."


Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me; I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up o Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well now... I never actually met Frank. I Just made the mistake of marrying his widow.

2007-07-26 21:45:03 · 4 answers · asked by Brad 2

A WV State Trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 8 miles west of
the Virginia/West Virginia state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the
driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on
his way to Charleston to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus
and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated
by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him
then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his
equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of
his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three
flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in
behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from W.V., got out
and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the
patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the
patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he
was doing.

"You might as well take my drunk butt on to jail cuz there ain't no way I can pass that test."

2007-07-26 21:41:36 · 2 answers · asked by Brad 2

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation
for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation
agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the
minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several
years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the
increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the
minister.

Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an
Act of God!"

An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So is rain and snow, but we
wearing rubbers for them!"

2007-07-26 21:28:31 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things" from the movie”
The Sound of Music"

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and French fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Jennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings, When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad


Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

2007-07-26 21:24:32 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dating a Prostitute

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''

2007-07-26 21:17:54 · 2 answers · asked by hunnybuns 2

In a hospital, a man cant get into the mens toilets.A nurse says: " sir, you may use the ladies loo. But dont touch any of the buttons on the wall. The man agrees. Once he,s in there, he does his business then notices the buttons that he promised not to touch. Each is identified by initials; WW, WA, PP and ATR. The man cant resist. First he pushes WW and warm water gently sprays on his bottom. Next he presses WA and warm air blows his nether regions dry. then he tries PP and a powder puff applies talc. feeling very pampered, he prods the ATR button. But next thing he knows, hes back on the ward in his bed. "Whats happened?" he gasps Ah, the nurse frowns. "I told you not to touch anything. the ATR button is the Automatic tampon remover. youll find your penis in that glass jar."

2007-07-26 20:58:10 · 21 answers · asked by Ice queen 3

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."
--I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home
with.

"I'm not used to these darts."
--I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this
bombed.

"You get this one, next round is on me."
--We won't be here long enough to get another round.
"I'll get this one, next one is on you."
--Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round
they'll be $4.50 a pop.
"Let’s get out of here."
--I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.
"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?"
--I'm gay.
"Ever try a body shot?" (Male to female)
--I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
"I've had like 10 beers already."
--I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.
"Who's got the next round?"
--I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting
attention.

2007-07-26 20:40:46 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk?
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the
crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and
leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays,
and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't
know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him
and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

2007-07-26 20:32:53 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

a woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is
undone. The woman kindly says" excuse me sir,but your barracks doors are open".
Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few
moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper
was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At the checkout he ran
into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper.He decides to play into
her unusual comment; "excuse me maam, when you noticed my barracks door was
open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?" The woman
responded by saying " no, all i saw was a disabled vet sitting on two duffle
bags"

2007-07-26 20:17:27 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

My greetings to Bin Laden
The son of a b••ch
May his balls be infected
With the seven year itch
May the tip of his tool
Be hit with a hammer
Till his a•• starts whistling
THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER

2007-07-26 19:49:50 · 16 answers · asked by pd6491 2

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt of court in a heart beat!"

2007-07-26 18:16:08 · 9 answers · asked by Sir $liq Rick 5

What's up on both ends and goes with you everywhere?

Whoever gets the closest or exact answer gets the best answer award.

2007-07-26 17:57:19 · 8 answers · asked by bobroberts 2

What do you call an Aboriginal person up a tree?

It's got something to do with Fruit

2007-07-26 17:41:55 · 11 answers · asked by Shanny 3