Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

2007-07-27 07:40:04 · 15 answers · asked by pappatoad2 2

One night, two blondes were sitting outside their house in oklahoma....One blonde said to the other, "which is farther away, the moon or florida?"
the other blonde replied...."HELLOOOO! Can you see florida???"

2007-07-27 07:22:58 · 18 answers · asked by songofthesea_jewel 3

A man goes to the doctors and says
"Doctor every time i touch my head it hurts, every time i touch my arm it hurts and every time i touch my leg it hurts, whats wrong with me?"
"I know just yoor problem," replies the doctor. "Yooh have a broken finger"
Haha old but i love it. Whats yoor best jokes? xx

2007-07-27 07:22:17 · 8 answers · asked by Claireluvsyaxx 2

Paddy and Mike were doing street repairs in front of a House of Ill Repute, and a Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street. He looked to the left, then the right, and ducked into the house.
Paddy, resting from using the pick said, "Mike! Man, will You look at That! A Man of the Cloth, and going into That Place in Broad Daylight!"
A bit later, a Baptist Minister came there, and looking around, He scurried into the House.
Mike put down His shovel and said to Paddy, "Are You seeing what I'm seeing?! A Man of the Church, and He's giving That Place His Custom!"
Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, then right, and slipped into the Bawdy House.
Paddy and Mike straightened up, and both removed Their Caps.
Mike said, "Faith, and there must be Somebody Mortally Sick in There!"

2007-07-27 07:19:58 · 10 answers · asked by jfmm 7

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.

CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?

MAN: Yes.

CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?

MAN: He's at home.

CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.







The next day, the man returns.

MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.

CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?

MAN: Yes.

CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is she?

MAN: She's at home!

CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.



The next day the man returns.

CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?

MAN: Put your hand inside.

CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?

MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

2007-07-27 07:13:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do they call someone who takes steroids in the tour de france ??
A drug peddler
haha

2007-07-27 07:08:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young Bride-to-Be was preparing for her Wedding, and though Naive, she knew what her new Husband would just Love on their Wedding Night. So She asked her Mother to buy her a Long, Black, Sexy Negligee, and to fold it carefully so it wouldn't wrinkle, and place it in Her suitcase.
The Mother forgot until the last minute. She dashed out to find one, but could only find a Short, Pink Nighty; so She bought it, rushed back, and threw in in the suitcase.
That night the Groom carried His Bride into Their Suite, and being Self-Conscious, He asked Her to change in the Bathroom; and not to Peek until He got ready and into bed.
The Bride opened her Suitcase, and saw what her Mother had done!
"Oh, No!", She Cried. " It's Short, Pink, and Wrinkled!"
Her New Husband Screamed, "I Told You not To Look!"

2007-07-27 07:04:45 · 41 answers · asked by jfmm 7

there is a guy holding a knife a man peeing and a guy holding green paint. the guy holding the knife drops it cuts off the guys you know what then it falls in the green paint. then the green paint guy says hey a pickle then eats it!

2007-07-27 06:38:20 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

By the time your 80yrs old you've learnt everything. you only have to remember it.

a word to the wise isnt necessary. its the stupid ones who require advise

by the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, hes too old to go anywhere

by the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

its simple to be wise, just think of something stupid to say,then dont say it.

knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing not to put in a fruit salad.

experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again

age doesnt always bring wisdom, sometimes it arrives alone

2007-07-27 06:33:52 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Only 2 women can be on the bridge a the same time. They cannot through the flashlight. Lady A takes 10 min to get across the bridge, lady B 5 min to get across, lady C takes 2 min, and lady D takes one minute. How can all four women get across the bridge in 17 min?

2007-07-27 06:33:21 · 10 answers · asked by Stacey C 1

Tooth Hurty

2007-07-27 06:31:30 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

2007-07-27 06:29:55 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

1~How do you fit an girrafe in the refridgerator?
2~How do you fit an elephant in the refrigerator?
3~The lion king is hosting an animal conference, all of the animals attened except one. Which animal does not attend?
4~You need to cross a crocodile infested river. You do not have a boat and can't go around. How do you get across?
5~How do you shoot a purple elephant?
6~How do you shoot a grey elephant?

okay those are the riddles...first person to get them ALL right gets the ten points. If no one gets them all right I'll post the answer in the comments.

2007-07-27 06:21:37 · 14 answers · asked by ? 2

Homer Simpson remind you of Bruce Willis
http://richandshelly.com/desktops/homer_simpson_10_by_7.jpg
http://www.uweb.ucsb.edu/~stewharw/willis.jpeg

2007-07-27 06:09:59 · 7 answers · asked by ♥Angel♥ 6

It is called VOC Building.......Victory over corruption.....All the leading politicians are contributing all their corruptly acquired money........

2007-07-27 05:55:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Not as simple as you think....

2007-07-27 05:53:49 · 15 answers · asked by 8 In the corner 6

WHAT HAS:
CITIES BUT NO BUILDINGS?
FORESTS BUT NO TREES?
RIVERS BUT NO WATER?

2007-07-27 05:46:22 · 15 answers · asked by Jeffery K 2

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your bat and your glove. Let's go outside and play some baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,"$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that **** again"

2007-07-27 05:18:18 · 14 answers · asked by Lonely Bàstard 5

i need to know if my other guinnie pig is safe

2007-07-27 04:50:21 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

You might touch one of me everyday.
I keep danger away from you at night.

2007-07-27 04:40:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-27 04:30:25 · 2 answers · asked by k_ulani 2

make me laugh.................



;)

2007-07-27 04:27:50 · 13 answers · asked by Matthew 2

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

2007-07-27 03:27:08 · 19 answers · asked by Slimm D 3

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.

He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"

There was no response.

He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"

Still, there was no response.

Finally he moved right behind her and said,

"Honey, can you hear me?"

She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"

2007-07-27 03:06:42 · 18 answers · asked by Slimm D 3

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

2007-07-27 02:43:16 · 7 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

2007-07-27 02:27:46 · 3 answers · asked by I <3 Izzy. 4

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf, says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he's crouched down behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,

"WILL YOU FECK OFF!!!! I'M TRYING TO TAKE A DUMP!!!!

2007-07-27 02:26:37 · 11 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the ladies' bowling league, honey," he says. "We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says, "Hi, Davey! Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

2007-07-27 02:15:48 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy sticks his head into a crowded barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop at all the customers and says, "About two hours," and the guy leaves.

Every day, the same guy pokes his head in at the busiest time, and every day he’s told there’s a long wait and he leaves. Finally, after about two weeks of this, the barber looks over at a buddy and says, "Bill, why don’t you follow that guy and see where he goes?"

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

"Well?" says the barber. "So where does he go?"

"To your house."

2007-07-27 02:07:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They hit if off, and end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is littered with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears sit on a shelf near the floor, Medium sized bears are on the next shelf up, and huge bears line the top shelf. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have so prolific a collection of teddy bears, but he opts not to make mention of it.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”

The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

2007-07-27 02:04:31 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous