Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

The latest scam in the Ft Lauderdale, Florida area which is happening at the Galleria Mall.

Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as you are parking your car;

One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, the other comes to your window saying 'hi' while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse, impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say no and beg you for a ride to the Town Square Mall.

You agree and tell them to sit in the back. On the way they start having sex in the back seat.

Then one of them performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

2007-07-27 21:03:43 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

She looked at him with confusion. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

"Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

2007-07-27 20:54:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical, and as they've just finished up he asks his doctor a frank question.

“Doc, do you think I’ll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?” he asks.

“That depends,” says the doctor. “Do you smoke?”

“No.”

“Do you drink?”

“No.”

“Do you fool around with loose women?”

“Of course not.”

“Well, then,” says the doctor. “Why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?”

2007-07-27 20:47:48 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

so tell me folks where do my fans live ?????

2007-07-27 20:44:54 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, the man says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”

The man sighs and says, “It started...”

2007-07-27 20:43:49 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

i never heard this one before so i thoug i would share it with you all.

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades
while on vacation She wanted to take home a pair of genuine
alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the
high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very
frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young
Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own
alligator, and get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said
with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it
a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an
alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he
spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water,
shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge
9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes,
the Blonde takes aim, shoo ts the creature and hauls it up onto the
slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly
up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent
amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the
gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in
frustration,
"CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

2007-07-27 20:28:33 · 11 answers · asked by Gina B 4

Q .. How do blonde braincells die?
A .. Alone.


Q .. How do you drown a blond?
A .. Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.


Q .. How do you confuse a blonde?
A .. You don't. They're born that way.



Q .. Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A .. She didn't know what number came first.



Q .. How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A .. She threw it off a cliff.

2007-07-27 20:24:31 · 12 answers · asked by sami 3

2007-07-27 19:54:59 · 11 answers · asked by Dailey3 2

Chinese Proverbs
Virginity like bubble - one prick all gone

Man who run in front of car get tired

Man who run behind car get exhausted

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

Man with one chopstick go hungry

Man who scratches *** should not bite fingernails

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it

Man who drive like hell bound to get there

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs

Man who farts in church sits in own pew

Crowded elevator smells different to midget

2007-07-27 19:35:11 · 9 answers · asked by br@ini@c 6

I have this gigantic crush on this hottie guy! I've got no idea whether he likes somone else or even likes me? I don't think anyone will ever fall truly in love with me! =`( I'm afraid to take anymore ateps because becasue my heart ha salready been broken too mamny times. I do not know what to do! Should I just give up on my crush now?

2007-07-27 18:50:32 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Riddle me this:

Ms. White lives in a bungalow. Everything in her house, including her tables and everything within is white. What color are the stairs?

Whoever gets the closest or exact answer shall receive the best answer award.

2007-07-27 17:46:24 · 10 answers · asked by bobroberts 2

2007-07-27 17:26:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Come up with something along the lines of "If you were a hammer would you nail me?" or "If I were a glove would you stick you hand in me?" or " If I were a horse would you ride me?" Whoever has the bast one gets best answer

2007-07-27 17:24:03 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

FIRE TRUCK YOU SICKO, HAHAHA

2007-07-27 17:22:05 · 19 answers · asked by sonofEatonWrite 3

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isn't right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other he'll give them both three wishes.
The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet.

The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.

It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female.

Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, ''I wish that that bear is gay.''

2007-07-27 17:09:27 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Have u ever wished upon a star
For the man that lives so very far
For the one wish u hope comes true
were u meet him and he meets you

Have u ever dreamed and it came true
To have him only loving you
U give the world and all ur might
To hold ur dreams throughout the night

Have u ever wished u not awake
To find ur dreams are just a fake
Blowing candles on a cake
Dreaming of a wish u need to make

2007-07-27 17:01:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-27 17:00:13 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.
The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

2007-07-27 16:39:59 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Oh what fun it is to....
Can you finish that line? Be fun and clean.

2007-07-27 16:11:43 · 10 answers · asked by grannywinkie 6

2007-07-27 15:47:58 · 1 answers · asked by Peter M 2

2007-07-27 15:16:54 · 7 answers · asked by Tennis Star 5

Ok

There are 2 houses to go to.

Each person has own needs and wants.

Peter: Wants Tassos and/or Tommy and Has to go to Karate in morning

Tommy: Has to go to karate in morning and wants tommy, demetri or thomas with him

Katerina: Wants as much people as possible. Must be with Angelina

Angelina: Wants to be with Katerina and has to go to Karate in morning

Thomas: Wants Tommy because for fight prevention between Thomas and Peter

Demetri: Has to go to karate in the morning.

There is House A and House B.

Find the best solution.

2007-07-27 15:03:28 · 14 answers · asked by Tassos S 2

Try to figure out the trick:

Harry but not Ron
Bee but not bug
yellow but not red
Merry but not joyous.....


and so on. Easy ten points, really.

2007-07-27 14:21:47 · 4 answers · asked by $omeone 5

i do....alot
lol

2007-07-27 14:19:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear about the dyslexic Agnostic who had insomnia?

He stayed awake all night wondering if there were a dog!

2007-07-27 14:17:58 · 17 answers · asked by Ink Corporate 7

i know it,s an oldie but i,m looking for inspiration.

2007-07-27 14:13:57 · 15 answers · asked by juicy 2

so... one day, a teacher is trying to explain to her class why she thinks God doesn't exsist. she asks a boy named timmy to go outside and look around.

"now timmy," she said "did you see the grass?"

"yes, miss apple." he answers

"did you see the tall tree?"

"yes, miss apple."

"did you see the sky?"

"yes miss apple."

"now, did you see god in the sky?"

"n-n-no, miss apple."

"so, if you didn't see him there, that means he doesn't necessarily exist."

just then a little girl named jill got up and started talking.

"timmy, you told miss apple that you saw the grass, the tall tree, and the sky, right?"

"yeah jill, but-"

"and you said that you didn't see god."

"yeah jill, i-"

"soo, do you see miss apple's head?"

"umm...y-y-yeah?"

"well, did you see her brain?"

"umm...n-no. but-"

"well, then by what miss apple just told us, she doesn't necessarily have one!!!"

2007-07-27 14:06:49 · 23 answers · asked by yourfaceisawapango... 2

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

2007-07-27 13:59:38 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

2007-07-27 13:56:55 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

When a news reporter at the scene asked the Irishman why he turned back, the Irishman replied:

"When I got to the halfway mark, I decided that I just couldn't make it, so I swam back.

2007-07-27 13:55:23 · 4 answers · asked by Romeo 7