Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

And just before she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eyes and a cricket stump shoved up his a***e.

2007-07-29 10:03:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two coins add up to 30 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are the two coins? :)

2007-07-29 09:44:09 · 7 answers · asked by MonkeeBizness 2

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

2007-07-29 09:40:16 · 22 answers · asked by kool5aban 2

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant

2007-07-29 09:29:24 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

shark and marlin fish had a race but fish lost the race now why did fish lost the race ???

2007-07-29 09:25:19 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who wrote a book aboute a boy that leaend over the hedge of a cliff? answer Ieleiend over.
And who rote a book aboute a horse that did muck in the road? answer gee gee done it. were they good?

2007-07-29 09:13:11 · 3 answers · asked by philip k 1

list people you know with funny names

2007-07-29 09:04:43 · 4 answers · asked by stone_fish6 2

My mom used to spank my sister and brothers with a belt she'd have us fetch. One day she told one of my brothers to get her a belt, and he came back with a string belt that went to a dress. LOL, I don't remember what my mom did after that, but to this day it makes me laugh really hard.

2007-07-29 09:02:01 · 8 answers · asked by doublewidemama 6

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

2007-07-29 08:46:56 · 49 answers · asked by Anonymous

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A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite

2007-07-29 08:45:38 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with bottom problems. "Dactor, it's me harse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears. "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. " £1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit", says the Irishman "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

2007-07-29 08:40:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

heres the joke:

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind
Him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your
Pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of
The horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I
Should have known there was a good explanation "

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and
Hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked
Him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What was THAT for?"

She replied...

"Your horse called




so what do you think? funny?

2007-07-29 08:07:07 · 8 answers · asked by hobbs 2

Which came first.

2007-07-29 08:04:31 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old Charlie passed away and went straight to the Pearly Gates where St Peter was waiting for him, and greeted him with a kindly."Hello Charles,"
"'Ello der P, " returned Chaz, a Scouser to the last.
" I have your eecords here, remarked St Peter, " The only thing we have against you is that you are very nosey, but you have saved neighbours from break ins, car thefts and because of you noseiness you got a man who was very ill to hospital so that evens thiongs up. Come in I'll show you round before i take you to your quarters."

Well heaven had everything, Cinemas theatres, pubs, resteraunts, golf courses. a baseball pitch for Americans (not used) you name it it was there.
Charlie was told everthing for his use as often or as little as he wanted no matter how busy there wre no queues..

What could he say but "Wow!"

St Peter then informed him, "Tthere is one and only one thing forbidden, You see that wall? You must not go over it climb it or even look over it."

2007-07-29 07:54:35 · 4 answers · asked by Scouse 7

an epicure dining at crewe
found a rather large mouse in his stew.
said the waiter, 'don't shout
or wave it about,
or the rest will be wanting one too.'

2007-07-29 07:39:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

to the site where you are watching a nice peaceful setting then all of a sudden a scary face jumps out at you?

2007-07-29 07:21:43 · 3 answers · asked by bgdadyp 5

it was just as I feared it to be.
Her rumblings abdominal
were simply phenominal,
and everyone thought it was me.

2007-07-29 07:20:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Southern Humor

Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so
he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He
called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the
University of Tennessee, and I need some help. If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?"
the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they
inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!"

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying, "When the end of the world
comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd
rather be in Louisiana because everything happens there 20 years
later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper
asked, "Got any I. D.?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of
the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the
car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as
he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He
asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares
in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make sense to me
neither."

And this from South Carolina

"You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard
of anyone retiring to the North!

2007-07-29 07:10:41 · 12 answers · asked by mstrywmn 7

2007-07-29 06:48:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-29 06:40:10 · 17 answers · asked by Fiddy 4

A goblin named Habie u wil rite one sentence after the person who answerd b 4 u. and ill start u off. Once upon a time, in a majic dumpster lived a goblin named habie.

2007-07-29 06:14:27 · 6 answers · asked by Blaqk Horror 2

A man and a woman were having dinner in a restaurant.Their waitress,taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table ,with the woman acting unconcernd.The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still,the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order,she came over to the table and said to the woman,'pardon me ma' am, but I think your husband just slid under the table? The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly,'no he didn"t.He just walked in the door. was that good?

2007-07-29 06:14:13 · 6 answers · asked by philip k 1

PROBLEM SOLVING

-There are 5 houses. Each house is a different color and lived in by 5 men of different nationalities with different vehicles, different hobbies and different favorite foods.

-USING THE 14 HINTS BELOW, DETERMINE WHO PLAYS GOLF AND WHO DRIVES A CORVETTE?

1. The chinese man lives in the green house.

2. The Hungarian man drives a Camaro.

3. The fisherman lives in the brown house.

4. The Spanish man likes bowling.

5. The brown house is immediately to the right of the purple house.

6. The man who likes chicken drives a van.

7. The man in the orange house likes ice cream.

8. The man in the middle house plays darts.

9. The English man lives in the first house on the left.

10. The man that likes pizza lives next to the man who drives a pickup.

11. The man who likes ice cream lives next to the house that drives a station wagon.

12. The man who likes pasta also likes to hunt.

13. The Japanese man likes seafood.

14. The English man lives next door to the red house.

2007-07-29 06:11:21 · 7 answers · asked by ? 1

its hard to make me laugh can you give me ur best joke

2007-07-29 06:03:31 · 3 answers · asked by Gary H 6

has this ever happened to u that a guy called kedar,,who's username is gunkedar,,and is asking u to check out his question,,read it patiently,,answer it and then give him a star,,

if i come across this guy i would definately give him a star,,
would u,,

;)

2007-07-29 05:21:47 · 15 answers · asked by gunkedar 2

I am thinking of a # between one and 20
whoever gets it first i will choose you as best answer

2007-07-29 05:20:30 · 65 answers · asked by dsadsa 2

2007-07-29 05:10:01 · 7 answers · asked by bender_xr217 7

I cant believe this question has already been asked 28 times.

2007-07-29 05:01:00 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A plane with 4 passengers is about to crash, but has only three
parachutes. The first passenger says "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA
basketball player. The Lakers need me. I can't afford to die." So he
takes the first parachute and leaves the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the
former President of the United States. I am the most ambitious woman in
the world. I am also a New York Senator, a potential future President,
and above all, the smartest woman in America." She grabs the second
parachute and leaves the plane.

The third passenger, The Rev. Billy Graham, says to the fourth
passenger, a 10 year old school boy, "I am old and I don't have many
years left. As a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the
last parachute."

The boy says, "It's okay. There is still a parachute left for you.
America's smartest woman took my school backpack."

2007-07-29 03:40:17 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don'tneed you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create lifeout of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning'."
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well", says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me. "
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold
the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God.........


"Get your own dirt."

2007-07-29 03:21:07 · 17 answers · asked by lilmissdisorganised 6