Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

This guy is riding his bicycle on the highway when suddenly his tyre pops.while he's trying 2 fix it a guy in a Porsche stops next 2 him&offers help.After the tyre is fixed the guy on the bicycle says:"dont wanna be ungrateful but can i get a lift 2 the next town?"Porscheman explains 2 him that his car is 2 small 4 him&his bike but he can tow him 2 the next town,so they tie the bicycle 2 the Porsche&Porscheman says:"if i must go faster wave&if u want me 2 slow down,just ring your bell"&off they go.Bicycleman feels he can handle this&waves his hand.Porscheman goes faster,Bicycleman feels he can handle this&waves his hand.Porscheman goes faster.After awhile bicycleman feels its 2fast&starts ringing his bell insanely,but Porscheman cant hear a thing.2traffic officers are sitting when these 2come zooming past with a major speed.The first officer says:"DID YOU SEE HOW FAST THAT PORSCHE WAS GOING?!!!"the other 1 says:"thats nothing,the guy on the bicycle was ringing his bell 2get past him"

2007-05-23 01:51:13 · 9 answers · asked by slinger_sous 2

The teacher was doing a study testing the senses

(taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to say:

Red......................Cherry

Yellow.................Lemon

Green...................Lime

Orange.................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.

After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," she said, "I will give you all a clue.

It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled,

"Oh, my God, they're assholes!"

2007-05-23 01:38:34 · 5 answers · asked by Gilmore G 2

there was 2 boys and a girl who was late to class the boy went in the class and the teacher asked why are you late and the boy said because i was on top of cherry hill

then the sencond boy came in and the teacher aked why are you late and the boy said i was on top of cherry hill

then the girl came in and the teacher said let me guess you were on top of cherry hill and the girl said no I AM CHERRY HILL!!!

2007-05-23 01:21:01 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-23 00:56:56 · 3 answers · asked by federalistcapers 2

one day a religious man was drowning a boat came to save him he said go away god will save me a second boat came and he said the same thing he drowned and went to heaven he said god why didnt you save me god said i sent you 2 boats dumbass

2007-05-23 00:12:16 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-22 23:51:19 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his stretch limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the stretch limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

2007-05-22 23:20:57 · 23 answers · asked by billtheangler 5

2007-05-22 22:49:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbour, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

2007-05-22 22:02:57 · 21 answers · asked by ? 4

There was this man that was deserted on an island for 10 years. One day he was on the beach when out of nowhere this beautiful woman appeared in a wetsuit. She walked over to the man and asked, 'How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

He replied,' About 10 years.'

She reached over and unzipped her left zipper and pulled out a cigarette and gave it to him. He lit it and took a couple drags and said, 'I've missed this.'

She then asked, 'How long has it been since you've had a beer?'

He said, 'The same about 10 years.'

She then reached over and unzipped her right zipper and pulled out a beer and gave it to him.

He opened it and took a couple drinks and said, ' That's good beer.'

She then unzipped the long zipper in the middle to her patch and asked, 'How long has it been since you've had a real good time?'

The man replied, 'You have golf clubs in there!'

2007-05-22 21:25:15 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pregnant lady named her children: Dominique, Regis, Michelle, Fawn, Sophie and Lara. What will she name her next child? Jessica, Katie, Abby or Tilly?

2007-05-22 20:53:22 · 7 answers · asked by whitelighter 2

when she says "AGAIN"
i have had a mirror put on my bedroom ceiling so i can watch myself having a headache

2007-05-22 20:37:30 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

went to a party the other night and as my wife and myself arrived the host said "a glass of wine for your wife"and i said "eeh thats a good swap!"he then said"your wife has an hour glass figure"and i said "yes but its a pity all the sand has run to the bottom!"
just a joke really

2007-05-22 20:31:28 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great ****."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

2007-05-22 20:21:30 · 12 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

A bus driver was heading down a street in Colorado. He went right past a stop sign without stopping, he turned left where there was a "no left turn" sign, and he went the wrong way on a one-way street. Then he went on the left side of the road past a cop car. Still - he didn't break any traffic laws. Why not?

2007-05-22 20:07:31 · 8 answers · asked by whitelighter 2

2007-05-22 19:15:15 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Italian guy decided he want a nice rotesserie chicken, so he gets his bird and goes out of his apartment and starts to turn him up a mighty tasty chicken.

A drunken wino (as if they come in any other variety) stumbles up on the scene and says, "Hey, buddy, the music's stopped and your monkey is on fire...."

2007-05-22 16:09:58 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-22 15:45:14 · 15 answers · asked by Veruca Salt 6

I just want to know what you think.

2007-05-22 15:43:25 · 7 answers · asked by gOOfy MoNkEy!!! 1

When the employees got there this morning, they found the front windows broken out. They found the scoundrel inside the store. It was a deer, he was frozen in the headlight section.

2007-05-22 15:41:30 · 3 answers · asked by johN p. aka-Hey you. 7

A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?

2007-05-22 15:35:42 · 14 answers · asked by Veruca Salt 6

ok the answer is because ice cream doesn't have bones, but what does this entire joke mean, please someone tell, me... my friend keeps tormenting me and telling me it means something

2007-05-22 15:33:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a blonde had her car in the middle of traffic holing up a very important trucker and the truker replied can you plz move along and the blonde said no. Well the trucker got mad made a circle on the pavement and told her to stand in the middle and not move so the trucker smashed in all her windows and the blonde started laughing well furious the trucker slashed her tires and the blonde started laughing harder so now insanly mad the man dented, keyed and slashed her lether seats and the now the blonde was laughing histerically and the trucker had asked her why are you laughing, is this not your car and the blonde replies no when you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle 3 times lol

2007-05-22 15:06:57 · 5 answers · asked by Maria 4

If he fell off the wall and could not be put back together, did all the kings horses and all the kings men have scrambled eggs for breakfast?

2007-05-22 14:14:38 · 8 answers · asked by ronnny 7

2007-05-22 13:34:10 · 17 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

2007-05-22 13:33:38 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was almost midnight on Christmas eve and Father Christmas was running a bit late with his deliveries. At one particular house he shinned down the chimney thinking everyone was asleep, only to have the light turned on as he reached the hearth. When he straightened himself out and stood up, he couldn't fail to notice a very attractive young Swedish lady standing watching him.

He was about to leave in a great hurry when the young lady said in a very seductive voice - "Hello Father Christmas - will you make love with me as a present?" Very flustered by all this, Father Christmas quickly replied - "Ho Ho Ho, got to go, deliver presents in the snow!"

The young woman was a little put out by this rejection and quickly removed her blouse to reveal her perfectly formed assets. "Please Father Christmas!" she begged.

Father Christmas was sorely tempted, but remembered his duties and again quickly replied - "Ho Ho Ho, got to go, deliver presents in the snow!"

At this the very nubile young girl removed all her clothes and stood in her utmost provocative manner and said again in a deep husky voice - "But Please Father Christmas!" This was all far to much for Father Christmas who immediately replied ...

Hey Hey Hey, got to stay, can't get up the chimney with me dick this way!"

2007-05-22 13:28:49 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny comes home from school and has to write a book report. He can't decide what to write and decides to ask the members of his family for help.

His father is watching T.V. when Johnny asks him, what do I write for my book report. Flustered at being interrupted his father tells him, "Shut up and leave me alone for five minutes would you?"

Little Johnny goes to his mother, who is on the phone, and asks her what he should write. She ignors him and continues to talk. He asked her again and she replied, "Leave me alone, before I beat your a**"

Little Johnny goes to his older brother, who had just finished watching some cartoons and asks him what he should write. "Superman!" yelled his brother jumping from the couch ignoring Johnny completely.

Lastly Johnny went to his Granmother who was in the middle of baking for dinner that night. He asked what he should write, when she stood up startled and yelled, "My buns are on fire." running to the oven.

2007-05-22 13:28:48 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in Hawaii. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's a coincidence" said the engineer, "I"m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused, "How do you start a flood?" He asked.

A man and an alligator walked into a bar. "Do you serve lawyers here?", the man asked. "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good" said the man.
"Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

It was soooo cold out last night! (How cold was it?)
that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pocket!

2007-05-22 13:00:22 · 9 answers · asked by Bobby D 2

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven.
So she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged, she screams, "What the hell was that all about? I show you two of God's most perfect creations and I am denied admission to Heaven, she performs a disgusting, hygiene act, and gets in! I don't get it!"
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

2007-05-22 12:49:27 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous