Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

2007-05-23 11:53:08 · 4 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet gator.He puts the gator on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.I'll make you a deal.I'll open this gators mouth and place my manhood inside.Then the gator will close his mouth for 1 minute,Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed.In return for witnessing this,each of you will buy me a drink.The crowd murmured their approval.The man stood on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his Johnson and related parts in the gator's mouth.The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and hit the gator hard on top of its head.The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed.The crowd cheered and the first of his drinks was delivered.The man stood up and made another offer."I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."A hush fell over the crowd.After a while,a hand went up in the back of the bar.A Blonde timidlyspoke up, I'll try it,just dont hit me so hard.

2007-05-23 11:17:49 · 9 answers · asked by melygoni 2

2007-05-23 11:01:33 · 8 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

Ok. So there was three girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head stuck in a cave. A genie appeared and said , "I'll grant you one wish each!" and they said, okay, so the red-head said "I would like to escape from here" and the genie granted the wish. Next, the brunette said "I would like to be 30% smarter " and the genie turns her into a red-head. Next the blonde says "I would like to be 30% dumber" and the genie turns her into a man!

2007-05-23 10:57:37 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain...
He's getting married. He either:
A) Knocked her up
B) Couldn't get a different roommate or
C) Caved in to her ultimatum...
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him. For the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium. On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza.
Oh yeah... BYOB!

2007-05-23 10:54:58 · 4 answers · asked by girl24gr 3

2007-05-23 10:40:03 · 8 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench

talking........and one blonde says to the other:

"Which do you think is farther away.......... Florida

or the moon?

"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo,

can you see Florida .......?????



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CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes,

it is idling smoothly. She says,"What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks,"How often do I have to do that?"



.-----------------------------------------------------------------

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks

her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get

your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then

today you expect me to show it to you!"



.------------------------------------------------------------------.

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk.

She comes to a river and sees another

blonde on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,

"How can I get to the other side?

" The second blonde looks up the river then down the

river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."



.---------------------------------------------------------------------.

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the

freeway.Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the

blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,

the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn

and yelled , "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!

" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on

the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and

shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!"

said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.

We're going at night!"

.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on

Science &Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone

calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,

and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex

and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs

like that?"

"HelOOOooo," answered the blond.-"They're watch dogs!"

2007-05-23 10:32:58 · 9 answers · asked by crharris01 2

First blonde guy joke


Three men, an Irish man, a Mexican man, and a blonde (yes they are legal but back to the joke) work together on a construction site. During lunch the Irish man opens his lunch and says, "Corn beef and cabbage again? I swear if I get corn beef and cabbage in my lunch again, I'm going to jump off this building!" The Mexican man opens his lunch and says, "Tacos and burritos again? I swear if I get tacos and burritos in my lunch again, I'm also going to jump off this building!" The blonde man opens his lunch and says, "Bologne and chips again? I swear if I get bologne and chips in my lunch again I too will jump off this building!" The next day during their lunch the Irish man opens his lunch and sure enough he has corn beef and cabbage. He jumps off the building. The Mexican man opens his lunch as he has tacos and burritos. He also jumps off the building. The blonde guy opens his lunch and he had bologne and chips. He jumps off the building as well. During the funeral, they had all three together, the wife of the Irish man said, "If I had known that he didn't want corn beef and cabbage, I would have asked him what he wanted." The wife of the Mexican man said, "If I had known that he didn't want tacos and burritos, I would have gotten out my cook book and tried something new." They each looked at the wife of the blonde man which she replied, "Don't look at me, he always fixes his lunch!"

2007-05-23 10:32:13 · 17 answers · asked by retrodragonfly 7

2007-05-23 10:28:40 · 23 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-23 10:26:19 · 27 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

The biker flags her down and pulls her out of her car.. He takes out a baseball bat and makes a circle in the dirt surrounding the blonde.

"Don't you dare move from this f*cking circle or I will jack you up!" He tells her and goes toward her sporty little coup.

He starts to beat the car unmercifully with the baseball bat, and after knocking out the windshield looks back at the blonde. She is standing in the middle of the circle laughing. He is enraged, and starts to smash up the interior. Thinking he has proved his point, he looks to find the blonde doubled over she is laughing so hard.

Feeling furious, he takes off his shirt and sticks it in the gas tank of the car and lights it on fire. BOOM! Thinking this has got to have her pissed, he sees her lying on the ground crying because she is laughing so hard.

He sighs and finally asks her, "Just what is so friggin' funny."

"When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

2007-05-23 10:08:44 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pirate ship is in the midst of a voyage. The crew is bored. A pirate amongst them knows magic tricks. He decides to put on a magic show. His parrot is quite gossipy and can't keep it's mouth shut.

The pirate begins his first trick, and that parrot gives it away by saying "rawwk, the coin is in the other hand, rawwk!"

Frustrated, the pirate tries another trick, but again, the parrot gives it away by blurting out "rawwk, look under the table, rawwk!"

This goes on for some time, to a point that the pirate can't manage to perform anything spectacular to entertain the crew. His anger towards his blabbermouth parrot eventually grows so phenomenal that one night he gets very drunk and accidentally crashes the ship into some rocks.

Sobering up the next morning, he finds himself adrift on some wreckage. The parrot, ever the attentive sidekick, happens to land next to him looking quite puzzled. It says to him:

"Rawwk, Okay, I give up, What'd ya do with the boat?"

2007-05-23 10:07:51 · 4 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-23 09:59:19 · 12 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-23 09:55:42 · 7 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-23 09:44:07 · 6 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

51. How many camels does a hump have?
a. 2 camels
b. 2 humps
c. 1 camel
d. 1 hump

52. Can a rabbit jump higher than a tree?
a. Yes, trees can jump
b. No, rabbits only hop
c. trees don’t jump
d. rabbits don’t care

53. Why did the turtle run?
a. It was speeding
b. It was racing the rabbit
c. to get to the other chicken
d. turtles can’t run

54. Who invented inventing?
a. inventions
b. Thomas Edison
c. submarine
d. Thomas Edison’s submarine





55. Can a man kill a shark with one hand?
a. Needs two hands
b. All of the above
c. No such thing as a man with one shark
d. No such thing as a shark with one man

56. Don’t judge a book by its cover.
a. rabbits
b. polka dots
c. camel
d. you have no choice

57. How long did you run if you ran a mile?
a. 45 miles
b. 45 minutes
c. 45 mph
d. 45 men

58. Open your book to chapter 4.
a. True
b. False

59. If it’s 9 O’clock in Japan, what time is it in August?
a. 6 O’clock
b. December
c. China
d. You have no choice

60. Here’s a tricky question.
a. True
b. False
c. There is no question mark
d. All of the above

61. Why is 6 scared of 7?
a. 6 + 7 = 8
b. 786
c. eleventeen
d. 7-11

62. Is your refrigerator running?
a. running for president
b. running for mayor
c. refrigerators only walk
d. you better go catch it

63. What is what?
a. which is which
b. it’s a noun
c. it’s a question
d. none of the below

64. What kind of noise does a giraffe make?
a. bark bark
b. oink oink
c. giraffe giraffe
d. meow mix

65. Give an example of a car?
a. 2 wheels
b. drive
c. shift key
d. not enough selections

66. How ya doin’?
a. fine, how are you
b. good, thanks
c. false
d. true

67. What’s red and white and blue all over?
a. a flag that blew up
b. yellow
c. black
d. orange is not a fruit

68. ?
a. The gardener
b The butler
c. The waiter
d. both b and c are inside

69. What is a U-turn?
a. follow directions
b. wrong spelling
c. signal
d. error





70. Can you sing a song about a song that sings about singing songs?
a. None of the above
b. True and False
c. Okay
d. only songs about songs that talks about singing songs

71. What is your name?
a. who wants to know
b. none of your business
c. none of the above
d. two syllables and words in English

72. The correct answer is a?
a. wrong
b. correct
c. melon
d. sausage

73. What is the difference between up and down?
a. up
b. down
c. left
d. right
e. same difference
f. different similarities

74. If he and she do the work, can they make it work for him, her, or them?
a. Them
b. Her
c. Him
d. Final Answer

75. Can you drink the drink?
a. water the water
b. plant the plant
c. smell the smell
d. armpit the armpit

2007-05-23 09:41:04 · 7 answers · asked by Huh 5

A man came home from work one day and his wife asked
him to fix the toilet. The man says "who do i look like the plumber?" and never fixed it....

The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the garbage disposal. The man says "who do i look like a blad specialist?" and never fixed it....

The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the refrigerator. The man says "who do i look like the maytag repair man?" and never fixed it....

man comes home the next day and his wife told him she hired someone to fix the fridge, someone to fix the garbage disposal, and someone to fix the toilet. The man asks his wife "how much did it cost?" His wife says "i had to either bake them a cake or have sex with them." The man asks his wife "what kinda cake did you bake them?" the wife says "who do i look like Betty Crocker?"

2007-05-23 09:40:54 · 4 answers · asked by Lilkryptonite 4

2007-05-23 09:39:55 · 14 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

1. What is the first question?
a. True
b. False

2. Which of the following is following a witch?
a. Broom
b. Stick
c. Broomstick
d. Stickbroom

3.What is the first letter of the alphabet?
a. b
b. c
c. d
d. e

4. Which of the following is NOT true?
a. True
b. False

5. Explain the differences between north and south?
a. north is south
b. south is north
c. south is south
b. north is north

6. How many can you
a. See?
b. Feel?
c. Hear?
d. Disturbing?

7. What number are we in?
a. second
b. first
c. sixth
d. homerun

8. The most faster your car is, what time is it?
a. True
b. False

9. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
a. chicken
b. egg
c. all of the above
d. none of the above

10. What is the opposite of below?
a. below
b. above
c. all of the above
d. none of the above

11. Which is not a letter of the alphabet?
a. a
b. b
c. c
d. all of the above

12. If b+c = b+c, then....
a. b+c?
b. True?
c. needs more improvement

13. What color is the rainbow?
a. yellow
b. red
c. There is no color

14. If the chicken came first, what came second?
a. The rooster
b. The egg
c. The chicken
d. The duck

15. How many numbers are in a number?
a. True
b. False

16. Imagine you are stranded in a deserted island?
a. Robinson Carusoe
b. Tom Hanks
c. The blue lagoon
d. non-existing cells

17. Choose the best answer
a. opposite
b. average
c. both a and b are wrong
d. all of the above

18. Which of the following is not a sentence?
a. The
b. ?
c. A
d. no

19. Can you go faster?
a. True
b. False
c. both a and b are wrong
d. both a,b, and c are wrong

20. If 1 + 1 equals 2, what is the fastest car in the world?
a. 2+2=4
b. 3
c. 7
d. no answer

21. Please select the wrong answer
a. True
b. False

22. Why?
a. because
b. where?
c. why?
d. Z

23. Almost Done?
a. True
b. False

24. Roosters don't lay eggs.
a. Left?
b. Right?
c. On which side will the egg fall
d. Rooster is standing in a pointed roof

25. A snake is an example of a
a. reptile
b. snake
c. living thing
d. car

26. How do you spell entrophy?
a. anthrophy
b. entrofy
c. ontrafie
d. entropy

27. A car is driving 45 mph east of L.A. while a train is driving 65 mph west of New York. If the sun is yellow, how many moons does the earth have?
a. 1 moon
b. 2 moons
c. 45 mph
d. red

28. True or False. Both a and b are correct?
a. True
b. False
c. both a and b are wrong
d. All of the above
e. None of the above
f. Only a and c are correct
G. Actually, both abcdefg are not alphabets

29. Which of the following is a true sentence?
a. The End
b. The microwave is the end of
c. The end of the end
d. end then

30. What is an apple?
a. It's a bird
b. It's a plane
c. It's superman
d. All of the above

31. If this sentence is not English, what language is it?
a. English
b. Spanish
c. Portuguese
d. Neptune

32. In 1998, what former superstar has the capital of what state?
a. Michael Bush
b. ask the audience
c. phone a friend
d. 1969

33. If water has the chemical components H2O, what chemical components is a chemical?
a. Water
b. Fire
c. Answer
d. Question

34. Max has 4 coins. Jack has 7. Which 2 is false and which is true?
a. True
b. False

35. Answer this question?
a. firefly
b. hummingbird
c. Seattle
d. bees

36. A rabbit and a turtle are racing. They both had a tie. Who won wearing a shirt?
a. pants
b. rabbit
c. chicken
d. you lose

37. What comes after A?
a. A
b. F+
c. A rabbit
d. not a question

38. What is a chocolate bar?
a. A bar of chocolate bar
b. A chocolate of bar
c. bartender chocolate
d. both b and d are wrong

39. Who is?
a. True
b. False

40. This question is tricky
a. True
b. False

41. What is the answer for number 41?
a. expensive haircut
b. sausage company
c. No answer
d. There is an answer

42. In mathematics, if you're drinking water and there's a bug in it, would you drink it?
a. Yes, but not sure
b. No, this is biology
c. Not True
d. Not False
e. All of below
F. You're already drinking the water

43. How do you answer this question?
a. True
b. False

44. Which of the following is an example of an example?
a. The mission
b.
c. All of the answers are not true
d. below above

45. If the clock strikes 3 and it’s 9 O’clock, what time is it?
a. Alarm
b. Doorbell
c. Cause and Effect
d. Permission

46. How many people does it take?
a. 7 people
b. 7 lightbulbs
c. 7 O’clock
d. 7-11

47. A tree falls down in the middle of a forest. Did the tree fall down if nobody was there to see it?
a. It will
b. It won’t make noise
c. It will not
d. It cannot make noise





48. Who or what is why and how, when and if it happens?
a. The Minister
b. where
c. Nobody knows
d. Sometimes

49. Which of the following does NOT make sense?
a. one dollar
b. perfume
c. nickel
d. sight

50. If this question is an answer, what answer is a question?
a. Don't take this test again
b. I can't believe you read this whole thing
c. No way
D. Yes way

2007-05-23 09:38:41 · 4 answers · asked by Huh 5

2007-05-23 09:31:48 · 11 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

Four. One to change the light bulb, and two to resuscitate the forth pirate who got his hook caught in the socket!

2007-05-23 09:15:57 · 19 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

A little boy dresses up as a pirate for halloween. He has a bit of a speech impediment. The first house he goes to he says,

"I'm a birate. This is my barrot. Can I have some bandy?"

The woman looks at him and says, "My my aren't you cute. But where are your buccaneers?"

The boy looks are her angrily and says "On the side of my buckin head you buckin brode."

2007-05-23 09:01:24 · 10 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-23 08:52:56 · 28 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

knows where this comes from:

"...like a hunchback..."

Name the artist, song and complete lyrics...

2007-05-23 08:52:26 · 14 answers · asked by Snake Eyes 6

63 Asians died in a bunk bed collapse earlier today, Police say although its not a terrorist attack, They believe Al At ikea has something to do with it..

2007-05-23 08:50:02 · 8 answers · asked by Because I Said So 7

2007-05-23 08:43:21 · 7 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-23 08:39:13 · 3 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed
with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at his local feed and seed.

One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."

"How did you get it fixed ?" asked the farmer.

"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's beaver and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."

He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's beaver and rubs it all around the bull's nose.

The bull gets a rip roaring ***** and jumps on the cow immediately.

That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind.

As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's beaver and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on.

He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Darling. Look at this !"

She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a NOSEBLEED?"

2007-05-23 08:37:19 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.

Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place.

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.

But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.

But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet.

You'll have to.......

I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine.

Again, the results are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks

"Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in the other, does it really stimulate yer that much ?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, she stole ma wallet !".

2007-05-23 08:35:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees ! What powerful rivers ! What beautiful animals !" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could but, looking over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He tripped and fell on the ground, rolled over to pick himself up, but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God !"

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man and a Voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament ? Am I to count you as a believer ?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and cried:

"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now but, perhaps, You could make the BEAR a Christian" ?

"Very well," said the Voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."

2007-05-23 08:32:09 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous