Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

2 Irish mea were makin' letter bombs..
Paddy says "Dya think i put enough explosive in this envelope!?"

Murphy replies, "Sur i duno.. Open it an c!"

Shocked Paddy says "But itl explode surely!?"

But Murphy laughs an says.. "Dont b a feckin eejit, sure its not addresses to you!!"

(I'm irish and i think its funny!) =)

2007-05-01 03:17:38 · 8 answers · asked by -x-Enya-x- 2

2007-05-01 03:15:14 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.

"Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"

2007-05-01 03:10:56 · 11 answers · asked by angel eyez xx 6

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll cr*p on it's head."

2007-05-01 03:06:34 · 16 answers · asked by Cat burgler 5

help me fill out the list

2007-05-01 02:36:26 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blondes are in Australia. One says to the other, "Which is furthest, London or the moon?"

The other blonde replies,
"Hellooo… can you see London from here?"

2007-05-01 02:24:11 · 13 answers · asked by Nik 2

2007-05-01 02:23:57 · 11 answers · asked by Nithya . 1

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

2007-05-01 02:22:39 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A: Because when they come, they're
wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and car with them.

2007-05-01 02:17:48 · 24 answers · asked by Nik 2

As soon as they finished making love, Susie jumped up from the bed and started packing her suitcase.

"What on Earth are you doing ?" asked her puzzled husband.

"In Las Vegas I could get two hundred dollars for what I gave you for free," she pointed out, "so I'm moving to Las Vegas."

This was enough to provoke her husband to jump up and begin packing his bags.

"What're you up to?" asked Susie in surprise.

"I'm following you to Las Vegas," he replied. "I've got to see you live off six hundred dollars a year."

2007-05-01 02:08:58 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.

2007-05-01 02:03:54 · 11 answers · asked by Nik 2

One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realising his intentions she says,

"Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean."

Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again.

"Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

2007-05-01 01:35:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

2007-05-01 01:25:45 · 14 answers · asked by Citizen Mac 6

...on a Friday night, eyeing up the ladies. All of sudden one of the buckets of vomit breaks down and starts crying.

'What's the matter mate?' The other bucket of vomit asks, embarrassed by his friend's outburst.

Through his sobs the first bucket says, 'I was brought up in that alleyway over there,'

2007-05-01 00:55:25 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and a man wanted to have a baby, so they went to the doctor to see if there was a way. When the doctor came in,
told them about a new study that transfers all the pain from
the mother to the father during delivery. They both agreed to
take part in the study.

Later, when the woman went into labor, her husband was
hooked up to the device to transfer the pain. After it was
hooked up the doctor turned on the power. The man didn't feel
anything so he told the doctor to turn the power up. After
the power was turned up the man still couldn't feel anything.
The doctor turned it up more. The man still couldn't feel it.
Finally, the doctor turned it up the whole way. The woman
delivered a beautiful baby, and neither of them felt any
pain.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the doorstep.

2007-05-01 00:34:26 · 12 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80 %
Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50 %
Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58 %
Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85 %
85% of the men who cheat on their wives die while having sex.
(haha. too bad guys:))

The Spanish word esposa means "wife." The plural, esposas, means "wives," but also "handcuffs."
(HEY!)

A party boat filled with 60 men and women capsized in Texas after all the passengers rushed to one side as the boat passed a nude beach.
(omg..haha..just had to put this:))

Bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers were all invented by women.
(AHA!now thats a good one:))

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
(QUICK! BRING A BUCKET OF ZINC AND COPPER! I WANNA DIP MY HEAD IN!)

haha.
star if you like them:)

2007-05-01 00:08:37 · 10 answers · asked by Zzz 3