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Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

A little girl goes to the barber with her daddy. She stands by his chair while he is getting his hair cut. Her daddy says "You are going to get hair on your Twinkie." The little girl replies, "I know, and I am going to get Boobs too!"

2007-05-01 21:21:32 · 7 answers · asked by PEGGY S 7

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we

2007-05-01 20:47:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven
for judgment.
At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "Since you've been such a good
man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can
hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Mr Honda thought about it for
a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question
for Him."
St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
Mr. Honda then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"
God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".
"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your design;
1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and have excessive wobble.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and I
don't even wanna start talking about the maintenance cost

2007-05-01 20:04:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED, MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."

On the second day she heard the doorbell.

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.

He had no arms or legs.

The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

2007-05-01 19:48:06 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

question 8 1/3
---------
100

2007-05-01 17:56:11 · 3 answers · asked by Lizette E 1

Harley Davidson died and went to Heaven, and was boasting to God how he'd created the best Motor Bike in the world. God disagreed saying BMW's were a better designed bike! Harley said what do you know about design you created woman and look at the problems we have with them! AHEM ! says God " I think you'll find a lot more men are riding my creation than yours"!!!!!!

2007-05-01 17:46:15 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I pass before the sun, but yet make no shadow.

2007-05-01 17:30:23 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning....... I reply----No, I just bring her some coffee !!!

2007-05-01 16:39:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

"I see," said the blind man, picking up his hammer and saw.

2007-05-01 16:05:08 · 4 answers · asked by shantia_schwack 3

So, my question is: does anyone ACTUALLY know how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Does anyone reaaallllly know???

2007-05-01 15:56:50 · 8 answers · asked by freestylinmichelle109 4

http://youtube.com/watch?v=svEPX2GpoXY&mode=related&search=

2007-05-01 15:41:36 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don`t know what to do here," the devil says. "You`re on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I`ll tell you what I`m going to do: I`ve got a couple of people here who weren`t quite as bad as you. I`ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I`ll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room.
In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," bin Laden said, "I don`t think so. I`m not a good swimmer and I don`t think I could do that all day long."
So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I`ve got this problem with my shoulder. I`d be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," Laden commented.
So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you`re free to go."

2007-05-01 15:15:52 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

2007-05-01 14:10:10 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witchdoctor.

The witchdoctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witchdoctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witchdoctor "What happens when it's over?" The witchdoctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123," and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

2007-05-01 14:08:19 · 4 answers · asked by mysweetest666 1

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any drink, what would it be?"

The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime."

The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up."

The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels."

The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor."

The third lady says, "Yep, that's my Larry!"

2007-05-01 13:56:22 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

It is so nasty but funny at the same time
Little Melvin was 7 years old and like

other boys his age rather
curious.

He had been hearing quite a bit
about 'making out'
from the older boys, and he wondered
what it was
and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his
mother, who
became rather flustered. Instead of
explaining
things to Ramy, she told him to hide
behind the
curtains one night and watch his older
sister and
her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning,
Melvin described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for
a while,
then he turned off most of the lights.
Then he
started kissing and hugging her. I
figured 'Sis must
be getting sick, because her face started
looking
funny.

He must have thought so too, because he
put his
hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,
just the
way the doctor would. Except he's not as
smart as
the doctor because he seemed to have
trouble
finding her heart. I guess he was getting
sick too,
because pretty soon both of them started
panting
and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold
because he
put it under her skirt.

About this time 'Sis got worse and began
to moan
and sigh and squirm around and slide
down
toward
the end of the couch. This was when her
fever
started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis
told him
she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making
them so
sick......-a big eel ;had gotten inside his
pants
somehow. It just jumped out of his pants
and
stood there, about 10 inches long,
honest, anyway
he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from
getting
away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her
eyes
got big, and her mouth fell open, and
she started
calling out to God and stuff like that. She
said it
was the biggest one she's ever seen; I
should tell
her about the ones down at the lake by
our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the
eel by
biting its head off. All of a sudden she
grabbed it
with both hands and held it tight while he
took a
muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it
over the
eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she
could get
a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying
on top
of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a
fight.

Sis started groaning and squealing and
her
boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess
they
wanted to kill the eel by squashing it
between
them.

After a while they both quit moving and
gave a
great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure
enough,
they killed the eel. I knew because it just
hung
there, limp, and some of its insides were
hanging
out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired
from the
battle, but they went back to courting
anyway. He
started hugging and kissing her again. By
golly,
the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up
and
started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats- they have nine
lives or
something. This time, Sis jumped up and
tried to
kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35
minute
struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew
it was
dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel
its skin
off and flush it down the toilet.

2007-05-01 13:54:30 · 23 answers · asked by monkeygurl485 2

how does a man with no arms or legs get across a freeway??
take the "f" out of "free" and the "F" out of "way"
answer: there is no "f" in "way" (there is no eff-ing way)
not a question...but i thought it was funny

2007-05-01 13:31:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

an old lady missed chruch for awhile due to the weather so the peacher stop by to see if she would like to come to sunday school one day she said i need to go upstair and dress so sit and i'll be right down so he sat--- after alittle while she down the stairs the peacher said i'm so sorry i ate all your nuts in the bowl on the table--- that's ok i already ate all the chocolate off of them

2007-05-01 13:28:14 · 10 answers · asked by theresa t 3

13

A man goes to the doctors with a very personal problem.

He says to the doctor "i have a problem with my privates and i know that when i drop my trousers you will laugh."

"Now listen"said the doctor "i have done this job for over 25 yrs and have never laughed at a patient",

So the man takes off his trousers and i kid you not his member is about 1 inch long,well the doctor falls about laughing,he has tears in his eyes and a stich.

After regaining his composure he appologises to the man and asks whats wrong.

The man replies "well it's swollen"

lol sorry,any spare stars going ?

2007-05-01 13:27:12 · 28 answers · asked by thewokinn 1

Ole vas verking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da mergency room in the clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" the doctor said.

"Lord -it's 2007! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could haff put dem back on and mde you like new!
Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

To vhich Ole says . . . "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"

2007-05-01 12:59:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 dollars to drop that towel you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of him. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500 dollars, and leaves.

Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Rob from next door," she replies.

"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"

2007-05-01 12:56:26 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?

P: Yes, an acre and half an nice home.



L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

P: It made of concrete.



L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

P: No, we have carport, we no need one.



L: I mean. What are your relations like?

P: They all still in Poland .



L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

P: We have hi-fidelity stereo an good DVD player.



L: Does your wife beat you up?

P: No, I always up before her.



L: Is your wife a nagger?

P: No, she white.



L: Why do you want this divorce?

P: She going to kill me.



L: What makes you think that?

P: I got proof.



L: What kind of proof?

P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I read, an it say

Polish Remover

2007-05-01 12:31:56 · 18 answers · asked by Angela G 4

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."

2007-05-01 12:26:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure if he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"

(p;s- a star for a smile)

2007-05-01 12:23:40 · 11 answers · asked by Madrid10 2

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and
loved to

charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one
wheel and getting up

to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a
picnic the

other residents tolerated her and some of them
actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door
opened

and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm
outstretched. "STOP!," he

shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for
that thing?" Ethel

fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat
wrapper and held it

up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the
hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one
wheel, weird

Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP!
Have you got

proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag,
pulled out a drink coaster

and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On
your way, Ma'am." As

Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped
out in front of her,

Butt-Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his
hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn
Breathalyser

Test again.!!!"

2007-05-01 12:15:39 · 17 answers · asked by Angela G 4

Because.... their boyfriends have Hollow Wienies.

2007-05-01 12:01:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

wel everyones seemd to like my funny stuf lately so heres something else for yas enjoyxxx

Mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and *** Kissing that will put you over the top.

2007-05-01 12:01:28 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

now what?

2007-05-01 12:00:56 · 11 answers · asked by Natalie <3 1

i mean, come on, they dont even have weenies!

2007-05-01 11:56:16 · 22 answers · asked by Natalie <3 1

or am I just easily amused?

I saw a stop sign the other day that said "hammer time" under it. LMAO

2007-05-01 11:54:52 · 7 answers · asked by Jaim Jaim 5

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