Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

Chris W. told this somewhere about a week ago and I think it deserves another airing...to show that it is not only the female blondes ...lol

A blonde guy gets home early from work to find his wife completely naked, lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What’s up, darling? " he asks.

" I'm having a heart attack "she says,

He immediately rushes downstairs to phone for an ambulance but just as he is dialling, his young son rushes up,

" Daddy, Daddy, Uncle Ted is hiding in the wardrobe and he's got no clothes on."

The guy rushes back upstairs past his screaming wife and opens the wardrobe door, and there, sure enough, is his brother Ted................................................
...............................................................................
.......................................................................................

"You rotten b**tard!! My wife is having a heart attack and you are running around naked scaring the kids!!’’

2007-05-02 13:34:10 · 19 answers · asked by dteacher1uk 5

Q: Why was Raggedy Ann thrown out of the Toy Box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, saying "Lie to me!"

2007-05-02 13:29:51 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, 'I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up
for my wife anymore.' 'Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me
see what I can do.' So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following
pad. The doctor greeted the coupled and then said, 'Please remove your clothes,
Mrs. Thomas.' The woman obliged and removed her clothing. 'Okay, now turn all
the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put
your clothes back on.' While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the
doctor took the husband aside. 'You're in perfect health,' he said to the man.
'Your wife didn't give me an erect!on either.'

2007-05-02 13:24:14 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000.
Now add 30. And another 1000
Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.

What is the total?

2007-05-02 13:06:46 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am currently in 9th grade and I need to give a speech to a good amount of 8th graders. I have to talk about the "Transition from 8th grade to high school" and I really want to through a funny joke...

Thanks!

2007-05-02 12:57:22 · 4 answers · asked by Matt 1

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I’ll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you’re so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck ‘em dry!"

2007-05-02 12:23:26 · 19 answers · asked by -(O_o)-Roboto 2

>> This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry
>> that I didn't. These are not trick questions They are straight questions
>> with straight answers.
>>
>> 1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
>> participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
>>
>> 2 What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
>>
>> 3.. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for
>> several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every
>> year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
>>
>> 4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
>>
>> 5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear
>> inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine;
>> it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
>>
>> 6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters " dw"
>> and they are all common words. Name two of them.
>>
>> 7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at
>> least half of them?
>>
>> 8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,
>> processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
>>
>> 9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with
>> the letter "S."
>>

2007-05-02 12:10:15 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-05-02 12:04:38 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

yeah i kno for u stupid ppl who r gonna say, this is 2007....we don't do that anymore...but a guy and i r just jokin round bout em so i was wonderin if any1 had any more?

2007-05-02 12:01:28 · 23 answers · asked by ♥HOOTERS GURL♥ 4

Two sons and two fathers go fishing. They always catch fish. ALWAYS! But this time they came home with three fishes. How is this possible?

2007-05-02 11:59:39 · 13 answers · asked by jcalavaza21 1

every day he pushes the 1 button to go to work and when he comes back from work he pushes the 6 button and he walkes the rest of the 6 flights of stairs back to his apartment.

Why does he push the 6 instead of the 12 button to get back to his apartment?

2007-05-02 11:58:51 · 8 answers · asked by T-Mart 3

offensive material ahead.
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between “potentially” and “realistically.”

“Easy,” says his father. “First, ask Mom if she’d sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.”

The boy runs off, then comes back and says, “She said yes.”

“Now go ask your sister the same question,” advises the father.

Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, “She said yes.”

“So, potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars,” replies the father. “But, realistically, we’re living with a pair of whores.”

for the two funniest videos that I've ever seen go to youtube and search for "spiders on drugs" and "knock knock" tell me what you think. I'm going for stars here

2007-05-02 11:55:14 · 4 answers · asked by shotgunsherriffs 3

2007-05-02 11:47:21 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

cannae be bothered joinin the army just to find out the answer to their riddle so i'll post it to you guys instead.

you find yourself at a bridge that you know will be compromised in 17 minutes. you have a torch and three dependants/evacuees.
the bridge can only take two people at any one time.
its night time and you need a torch to cross the bridge.
you only have one torch.
it will take you 1 minute to cross the bridge.
it will take evacuee #1 2 minutes to cross the bridge.
it will take evacuee #2 5 minutes to cross the bridge.
it will take evacuee #3 10 minutes to cross the bridge.
how do you all get across within the alloted time?

actually to be fair this isn't exactly how the question was asked. originally they allowed the possibility of sacrificing a member of the group for the benefit of the others.

get to it soldier.

2007-05-02 11:41:50 · 8 answers · asked by play_doh_dude 2

yet the trillions the elites award each other in bonuses pass by with no affect ,is there an onomilly there
and for the spelling freakes answer the question dont reveal your igno-rants in comment on spelling yet no relie.

2007-05-02 11:40:24 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

and asks for five whiskeys. The bar tender asks "rough day?"
And the guy replies "yea, i just found out my brother was gay"

The next day the same guy walks into the bar and asks for 10 whiskeys. The bar tender says " another rough day?"
The guy replies "yea i just found out my father was gay"

The next day the same guys walks into the bar and asks for 20 whiskeys. The bar tender asks "DOES ANYONE IN YOUR FAMILY LIKE WOMEN?!"
and the guy replies "yea my wife..."

2007-05-02 11:39:08 · 21 answers · asked by Hiraganababi 1

omfg..........this is soo not right......but it's still funny!!!!!!!! roflmao!!!!!!!!!!!! It's really tacky but it's still kinda funny! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cetkezoUlt4

2007-05-02 11:38:37 · 11 answers · asked by ♥♥ Hello Kitty ♥♥ 1

Of no use to one
Yet absolute bliss to two.
The small boy gets it for nothing.
The young man has to lie for it.
The old man has to buy it.
The baby's right,
The lover's privilege,
The hypocrite's mask.
To the young girl, faith;
To the married woman, hope;
To the old maid, charity.

What am I?

star if you want to know the answer

2007-05-02 11:26:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

when all that he had was fresh water and a calander.[he lived off eating dates, and an occasional sunday.

2007-05-02 11:16:53 · 9 answers · asked by out for justice. 5

5 miles, and the third day only 1. When asked why, he says, “Well, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket.”

2007-05-02 11:15:13 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Andy Furhman is the sports talk host

2007-05-02 11:13:09 · 5 answers · asked by kay h 1

2007-05-02 11:12:55 · 10 answers · asked by Notorious 1

2007-05-02 11:07:28 · 14 answers · asked by Skinner 1

I know this riddle, and it goes like this; there once was a man who came into town on Friday, Three days later he came home on Friday, how?

I just wanted to see if anyone could figure it out, I did.

2007-05-02 10:54:36 · 35 answers · asked by Presea 3

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here
is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son
of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a
son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I
have ever put my pecker in."

2007-05-02 10:54:14 · 23 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

2007-05-02 10:39:25 · 20 answers · asked by Bandfreak 1

Seriously, say anything! I'll pick the most random answer. HAVE FUN!

2007-05-02 10:36:24 · 38 answers · asked by Gabby 3

A guy walks out of the desert into an old west saloon. He asks the bartender for a glass of water. The bartender does not give him a glass of water, but rather pulls out his gun and points it right in the man's face. The man says "thank you" and turns and walks out of the bar. Why?

2007-05-02 10:29:09 · 32 answers · asked by gambit0614 6

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she
used to, she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family
Dr. to discuss the problem.

The Dr. told him there was a simple informal test the
husband could do, to give the Dr. a better idea about
her hearing loss.

The Dr. said ...
"Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal
conversational voice see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30, then 20 feet and so on until you get
a response."

That evening, his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner,
and he was in the den. He decides he's about 40 feet
away. Let's see what happens.

In a normal tone he asks ...
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.

He moves to within 30 feet.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he's about
20 feet from his wife ...
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, no response.

He walks to the kitchen door, about 10 feet, and asks .
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.

He walks into the kitchen and stands right behind her ,,.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this ...)

"Earl, for the 5th. time, CHICKEN!"

2007-05-02 10:14:17 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
=================================================================
Thought for the day !!!
What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
Answer:
Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

2007-05-02 10:13:48 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous