Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

between boys & girls, he argues that boys are inherently better and she that girls are. The subject, of course, spills over into the personal realm, so that the real issue is which of the two children is superior.

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here's something I have that you'll never have!"

The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is quite clearly true. She turns and runs all the way home.

A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face.

She drops her pants, and says, "My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"

2007-05-02 10:09:18 · 30 answers · asked by The Unknown Soldier 6

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War not determine who right, war determine who left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.

2007-05-02 09:43:30 · 7 answers · asked by Because I Said So 7

he asks the bartender for 3 shots of vodka,the bartender give it to him and watches him take all 3 shots instantly
the bartender asks"hey what are you celebrating?"
the guy answers"my first blo job"
the bartender says"wow congrats.heres one shot in the house"
the guy says"no thanks,if those three shots didnt get the taste out of my mouth,nothing will"

lol

2007-05-02 09:19:30 · 21 answers · asked by suckerfree 2

A cow with no lips!!

Does anyone else have any cow jokes?

2007-05-02 09:17:28 · 5 answers · asked by nev 4

Man says to wife “you have an ar$e the size of a 3 burner bbq. Later in bed he says how about a shag? Wife says no point lighting the f**king bbq for ½ a sausage.



Please star if you liked it. Many thanks.

2007-05-02 09:04:17 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-02 08:45:02 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I had a very friendly Japanese neighbor. When Reagan was campaigning for a second term, he said to me: "Ah....the US
President has a eerrecshun every 4 years, ha? I said I don't know.

2007-05-02 08:24:28 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because they dont know the words.

2007-05-02 07:24:21 · 9 answers · asked by amy l 3

A kid with a lisp dresses up like a pirate for Halloween.

An old lady answers the door and asks him...
" Ooh, your a pirate, where are your buccaneers? "

" Underneath my buccan hat, lady! " the kid replies.

2007-05-02 07:24:14 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-02 06:06:30 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's a true story behind this folks, but I don't remember the details. Let's just say it's one of those questions that makes one go "Huh?" I guess it's cross between a joke and a poll/survey type thingy. Ya'll know what I mean?

2007-05-02 05:02:46 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

some random person at school asked me if i choke my chicken.

2007-05-02 05:01:08 · 12 answers · asked by bryan81389 2

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply, "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot."

"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me."

"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the sh!tty hairdo?"

2007-05-02 02:49:13 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours.

The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, 'Give it a shot father'. After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says 'Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!'

The Priest says, 'Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?'

The Fisherman responds (THINKING QUICKLY), 'I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!'

'Oh, I'm sorry', replied the Priest. 'I didn't know.' After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.

'Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!'

'Please Father', said the Bishop. 'Mind your language, this is a house of God.' 'No, you don't understand', said the Priest. 'That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!' 'Hmmm', said the Bishop. 'You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner.' So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent. 'Mother Superior could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?' 'My lord, what language!', said the Mother Superior.

'No, Sister', said the Bishop. 'That's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it.' 'Hmmm', replied Mother Superior. 'Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight.' Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. 'I caught the sonofabitch!', said the Priest.

'And I cleaned the sonofabitch!', said the Bishop.

'And I cooked the sonofabitch!', said the Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, 'You know, you f#ckers are alright'.

2007-05-02 02:34:19 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men died and were taken by St. Peter to the top of a cliff. He said to them that since they had been such great outstanding citizens of earth...that they would be given one chance to become anything that they desired. The first man ran to the edge of the cliff...jumped into the air and shouted "I want to be an eagle", instantly he was changed into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.

The second man ran to the edge of the cliff...jumped into the air and shouted "I want to be an owl", instantly he was changed into an owl and soared off into the sunset.

The third man ran towards the edge of the cliff, tripped on a rock and shouted "oh Sh*t".........

2007-05-02 00:30:22 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

how much kool aid to fill the sea?

2007-05-02 00:14:58 · 3 answers · asked by help wored 1

2 friends, Ned and Mac, made a pact when they were 20. They would pour the contents of this specific bottle of sherry on the other's grave when he died. When they were 50, Mac died. Ned, remembering the pact, got the bottle of sherry and was about to pour it on Mac's grave... When he noticed that the sherry was dirty after 30 years of being stored. So, he decided to filter it...





...THROUGH HIS KIDNEYS!

2007-05-02 00:12:20 · 8 answers · asked by amanorenzo 1

The book would be called Windows to the Goddess.

Iconology was be a major chapter.

A revised edition would be released approximately every 6 months without which your magick would no longer work.

Your broom would crash at least once a week.

Cauldrons would be called recycle bins.

A Book of Shadows would be called the Folder of Magick.

A free high speed connection spell would come with ever book.

Ever now and then, your circle would collapse and you would have to perform the reboot ritual to get it working.

If you used the more powerful MagickXP rituals, the above would happen to all circles within a 5 mile radius.

At least once a month, you would have to reinstall your spells into your Folder of Magick.

You would have to use a Start Ritual to exit your circle.

Cake and wine would only be available after a sign from the Goddess saying it was safe to do so.

Every once and a while there would be a warning saying "You have invited Typo Demons

2007-05-01 22:29:38 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

HPS>> Before we start our initiation ritual, I have an announcement. Fluffy Moon Ferret has totally burned out her hard drive and probably won't be able to get back on line for at least two weeks

EAST>> Darn! She was going to teach us how to make cyber corn dollies next week :-(

HP>> Can I suggest that we table this and get down to business?

EAST>>Yes, sorry

HP>> We're about to start the initiation ritual. Is everyone ready?

WEST>> Present

EAST>> Ready

SOUTH>>Roger

INITIATE>> I am ready

>~~(1 minute pause)~~

HPS>> North?

>~~(1minute pause)~~

HP>>NORTH??

NORTH>>Sorry, I had to reboot

HPS>> Ok, we are all here. Initiate, are you skyclad and ready?

INITIATE>> Not yet-- hold on, I need to get a pillow

HP>>Pillow?

INITIATE>>Yes, I have a metal chair here at my desk. OK-- BRB

>~~(2 minute pause)~~

INITIATE>> Ok, I am ready and skyclad

HPS>>Good, now do you have the cord?

2007-05-01 21:55:58 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome."

She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands."

He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please."

Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected. While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously.

2007-05-01 21:49:00 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pompous Southern minister was seated next to an Wiccan on a recent flight. After the plane took off, the flight attendant began to take drink orders. The Wiccan asked for wine, which was then placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replies in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The Wiccan politely handed his wine back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice.

2007-05-01 21:47:46 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds
sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many
will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the
first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I
like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple
scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the
cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I
suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked
the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is
'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your
thinking."

2007-05-01 21:45:16 · 75 answers · asked by vijay m Indian Lawyer 7

As part of an Interfaith community project, A right wing Christian priest, a rabbi, and a Pagan priestess decided that in order to improve relations in the community, they will go on a fishing trip together on a local pond.


They're out in the boat, and the Pagan priestess excuses herself to go to the
bathroom back on the shore. She gets out, walks across the water back to shore, and then walks back across the water to the boat.

The Christian priest looks in amazement, crosses himself, and they
continue fishing. It comes on about noon time, and the rabbi realizes they
left their lunches back on shore. So he gets up, walks across the water to
the shore, retrieves the lunches, and walks back across the water to the boat.

The Christian priest, now completely amazed, and a little bit
righteous, thinks, "not to be outdone by two heathens, I can do that
too!!" So he gets up, excuses himself to go to the bathroom, takes a step out of the boat, and promptly sinks to

2007-05-01 21:44:55 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the actual "first page" of the Bible. When deciphered, it read:

"Copyright (c) 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved First Scrawling: First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone- Is-Shadowed, 300 B.C.

All beings, places and events depicted in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places and events past, present or future is purely coincidental.

WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals familiar with the action in question.

NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark are called 'stars'. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In no way should this be construed as a sign that there is, beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour. Should such a misconstrual happen, the author will not be held responsible for the avalanche of arrogance

2007-05-01 21:43:21 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'"

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

Finally she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, sexy, antler wearing, body building Pagan. When he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh my God.'"

2007-05-01 21:42:29 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-01 21:36:55 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

They may be cute and cuddly when they're little, but they tend to grow. Fast. To something large.

You can't flush your overgrown summoned pet down the toilet and no pound will take one. (Trust me on this one. )

Unless you spay or neuter them, they will breed, quickly.

Good luck trying to find a vet that will spay or neuter one...

The feeding costs are astronomical. New Age shops are very expensive. Oh, sorry, I meant "astrological".

An exotic summoned pet is very difficult to feed. Museums start suspecting your interests in ancient cultures rather quickly.

Getting them used to gourmet food is a bad idea: there aren't that many virgins around, you see!

Cats sitting on the chest of a sleeping child sucking their life-force out may be a myth. With summoned pets, it isn't.

No insurance will cover it if your summoned pet bites your guests.

They may even eat your guests while you pop into the kitchen for tea.

2007-05-01 21:33:45 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

A project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project.

About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

2007-05-01 21:31:06 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

2007-05-01 21:28:01 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster or murderer, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

2007-05-01 21:23:33 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous