Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

So I got my little pecker out....and showed it to her......Oh sure , she laughed......but she still wont let me near her !

Where did I do wrong ?

2007-05-03 03:35:12 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little dave had been blind since birth,one day at bed time his mother said that tomorrow was a very special day and if he prayed extra hard he would be able to see the next day.

The next morning she goes in to see dave and asks if he had prayed extra hard"yes mother i did"replied dave."in that case you can open your eyes now"she says.

Dave opens his eyes and shouts "MUM MUM i still can't see"
"i know dear" she says "april fools"


i know old and sad but i couldn't resist lol

2007-05-03 03:30:15 · 30 answers · asked by thewokinn 1

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come round and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then' He sighed.........
'Let's put all the Frosties back in the box.'

2007-05-03 03:27:26 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in
my hand, while the fish swim by in
complete safety."

IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance
at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"


"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead
over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over
the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"


"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some
pretty darn soon."

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing.
It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,
so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said, and am hoping desperately that I
can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit,
I'm starving already."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the mess, she cleans it up."



"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
the address of the first girl I ever kissed,
and the vehicle identification numbers
of every car I've ever owned,
but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,
AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner
was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF,
IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb,
it will bleed to death before
I admit that I'm hurt."

2007-05-03 03:22:58 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
Which human body part increases to
10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You
should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth
fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,
As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

2007-05-03 03:13:37 · 61 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-03 02:38:24 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

a mexican was chasing it !!!

2007-05-03 00:55:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

i've not heard this before, sorry if its been posted.

How do you kill a blonde?


throw a scratch n sniff sticker in the bottom of a pool


xx

2007-05-03 00:41:55 · 14 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard
her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she
said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted him
with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you
to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he
entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied
nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their
bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us
too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later
that night when they went to sleep. Around two
in the morning the husband got out of bed, went
to the kitchen and returned a few minutes later
with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something.
When I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for
three days, nobody offered me so as much as a
glass of water!"

2007-05-02 23:56:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

coz they taste funny

2007-05-02 23:51:19 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you call the place where a spider builds its home?

A web site.

What is the life story of a motor car called?

An auto biography.

Sorry, it's the best I can do at the moment.

2007-05-02 23:36:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

....ROLLAIDS!!

2007-05-02 23:30:26 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a man named shawn was on his way to his plane. Then, when he was boarding the plane he met a long-lost friend. But when he shouted his long lost friend's name, he was immediatly arrested. Why? Or to make it Simpler, What was his friend's name?

(1st correct answer gets 10 points) So answer quickly

2007-05-02 23:28:21 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

> A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's
> >license.
> >
> > First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The
> optician
> >showed him
> > a card with the letters:
> > 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> >
> > "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
> >
> > "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

2007-05-02 23:27:34 · 16 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume.
She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume.
She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

2007-05-02 22:40:24 · 8 answers · asked by lubz ! 1

"Man, that rocks!"

I thought it was a scream when I read it in Stephen King's latest book, Cell. Do you think he was funny or do you think he was being mean?

Give me a star if you think it's funny?

2007-05-02 22:26:47 · 3 answers · asked by Sandy 7

A Hoosier couple, both bonafide, genuine Hoosiers, had 9 children.
They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed".
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them
what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children,
would they choose to do this? So, the question today is
"would they choose to do this".

2007-05-02 19:27:41 · 5 answers · asked by john h 7

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform,


She asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

2007-05-02 19:13:15 · 24 answers · asked by bernman101 6

On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the
wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening.
"Oh. it's not over yet," says he.
Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She
opens it in anticipation and finds two little white pills,
"What in the world are these?"
"Aspirin," he replies.
"But I don't have a headache," says she.
";GOTCHA!"

2007-05-02 18:41:28 · 8 answers · asked by bernman101 6

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A Circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born - Couldn't walk for a year."

2007-05-02 17:59:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

How to get free crabs?
A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a box of crabs.


A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.


Shortly before landing, she couldn't remember who gave her the package, so she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney please raise your hand?"


Not one hand went up.


So she took them home and ate them herself!

2007-05-02 17:55:18 · 4 answers · asked by rock 2

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

2007-05-02 17:28:58 · 4 answers · asked by PEGGY S 7

Just a Joke.
Here is another one:
-Why do the French like snails?

2007-05-02 15:44:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hey is there anyone who accidentally did it in a public quiet place?

2007-05-02 15:17:07 · 13 answers · asked by slperera 3

2007-05-02 15:10:09 · 4 answers · asked by SuBee 3

I got a mood ring for my wife to help figure out what mood she was in when I get home. When she's in a good mood it turns green. When she's in a bad mood it leaves a red mark on my forehead.

2007-05-02 13:51:49 · 22 answers · asked by Captain Happy Pants 6

Its too deep anyway...

2007-05-02 13:50:25 · 4 answers · asked by Lisa the Pooh 7

Oh well, its over your head anyway...

2007-05-02 13:49:32 · 10 answers · asked by Lisa the Pooh 7

What is better than god;
more evil than the devil
the poor have it;
the rich need it
and if you eat you'll die.

80% of kindergarteners got this riddle correct, and only 17% of Stanford University seniors got it right.

2007-05-02 13:47:24 · 37 answers · asked by Natalie 3

And no I'm not a perv. I'm in a contest. :p

2007-05-02 13:45:32 · 5 answers · asked by ........ :] 2