Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

2007-05-04 19:35:27 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

My mother once told me that when i was a young bean that i ate white out but i don't remember what it taste like........ I am a very busy old bean and i don't want any stupid answers eventhough this isn't the most practicule question. I wonder.....does it taste like glue becuz that is nasty tasting and don't ask me how i no this. I'm off to see big ben cheerio old chap.

2007-05-04 19:02:04 · 8 answers · asked by Lily N 1

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant
for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little
bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum
deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she
has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular
basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you
have the container that it came in?"asks the
pharmacist..

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the
pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,"This is
just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and
reads out loud from the container.........

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM "

2007-05-04 18:01:56 · 11 answers · asked by Gina B 4

This is a story of three people,

their names are shutup,noneofyourbusiness and trouble.

One day, shutup and noneofyourbusiness were walking down the street when suddenly they noticed that trouble wasn't with them.

Then they think maybe a policeman can help them find trouble,

So the policeman turned to shutup and asked: "What's your name?"

Of course he said "Shutup".

Then the policeman turn to noneofyourbusiness and asked: "what's your name?"

Then he said "Noneofyourbusiness".

The policeman then said: "Say are you guys looking for trouble?"

Then shutup said: "Yes, have you seen him?"

Editor's note: They found him!!

2007-05-04 16:36:08 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-04 16:34:03 · 4 answers · asked by shermynewstart 7

Don't pay her!

2007-05-04 16:27:29 · 12 answers · asked by painr3li3ver 1

A dozen royals gathered round,
Entertained by two who clowned,
Each king there had servants ten,
Though none of them were also men,
The lowest servant sometimes might,
Defeat the king in a fair fight,
A weapon stout, A priceless Jewel,
the beat of life, A farmers tool.

What am I???

10 points to the 3rd correct answer

2007-05-04 15:38:10 · 9 answers · asked by whitelighter 2

big bucket says to the little bucket "my!! your a little pale" the little bucket replies "yes, i know, im not a well bucket"

2007-05-04 14:58:14 · 12 answers · asked by HERBS 2

One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got into a fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
A deaf policeman heard the noise
And came and shot the two dead boys
If you don't believe this lie is true
Ask the blind man, he saw it too

2007-05-04 14:50:45 · 11 answers · asked by toshiomagic 3

2007-05-04 13:45:47 · 25 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

A guy starts chatting a girl up in a bar. At the end of the evening she goes back to his place for a coffee.
She doesn't normally go home with strangers - but she feels this guy is ok & safe.
They are sitting on the lounge having a coffee & she thinks to herself - he is wonderful, so caring & sensitive so she caves in to his advances. Things get hot & steamy on the sofa so he takes her by the hand & leads her to the bedroom.
In the bedroom she sees the walls lined with shelves & on each shelf are lots of teddy bears. She thinks how cute he is that he has a real sensitive &compassionate side. He is also very organised as the big bears are on the top shelf, medium size bears on the middle shelves and on the bottom shelf are small bears.
Things progress in the bedroom & they spend a steamy night together.
In the morning she wakes up and snuggles into him - thinking she has found Mr Right.
He turns to her and says - for your performance you may choose a bear from the bottom shelf :-)

2007-05-04 13:29:52 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Boy: Is god a girl or a boy?
Dad:Both,son
Boy:Is god black or white?
Dad:Both,son
Boy:Is God Michael Jackson?

2007-05-04 13:10:19 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A chicken farmer went to a local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man.

As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile,
but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.

"That's great!" says the woman,

"How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different c.o.c.k," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence..."

2007-05-04 12:43:13 · 13 answers · asked by ? 4

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she though she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.


The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to
stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home with no panties!!"


"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her *** that said... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "

2007-05-04 12:42:20 · 15 answers · asked by Angela G 4

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Mete orologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you are dumber than buffalo crap. It means someone stole tent."

2007-05-04 12:34:11 · 12 answers · asked by ? 4

Water Vs. Wine


It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

WATER = Poo

WINE = HEALTH

Ergo: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of crap. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I am doing it as a public service.

2007-05-04 12:33:36 · 19 answers · asked by raybbies 5

ok lol had to share this.
a little girl walks into her parents bedroom late one night and screams...
"holy **** and you want me to see a dr,about sucking my thumb"
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

2007-05-04 12:05:01 · 11 answers · asked by rebecca m 3

There are these 3 guys named Shutup,Manners, and Crap. Crap fell down.And some guy walked up to Shutup and said what's your name?and he said Shutup and that happened a few time over again.Then the guy asked "Wheres your manners boy?and Shutup said "Over there picking up crap!"










Is that funny or Not?

2007-05-04 12:04:24 · 10 answers · asked by ? 4

Express yourself well dont be afraid.

2007-05-04 11:36:32 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

2007-05-04 11:24:37 · 18 answers · asked by andrea c 1

First one to get it right gets 10 points.

2007-05-04 11:21:54 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

is it cause im a soldier for my girl,rollin all day to husle fow her?
deamn is a lil bit of da chain
am i chycho?

2007-05-04 11:21:49 · 6 answers · asked by steven_jonson2003 1

Three tourists are driving through Wales. As they approach Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysiliogogogoch, they start arguing about the pronounciation of the towns name. They argue back and forth until they stop for lunch. As they stand at the counter, one asks the blonde employee,"Before we order,could you settle an arguement for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ...very slowly?"
The girl leans over the counter and says..........................................




BURRRRGERRRR KIIIIING !!!

2007-05-04 11:15:29 · 6 answers · asked by Caveman's daughter 6

1. Cows- Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost 3 years ago right to the stall where she sleeps in Washington state? They tracked her calves to their stalls, but they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them each a cow.

2. The Constitution- They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years and we aren't using it anymore.

3. The 10 Commandments-The reason that we can't have the 10 commandments posted in a courthouse is thst you cannot post "thou shalt not steal", thou shalt not commit adultery", and "thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

2007-05-04 11:12:38 · 4 answers · asked by Lori B 6

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.

2007-05-04 10:31:29 · 7 answers · asked by someone 2

Although I could not log on as I liked, I still enjoyed myself. It was fantabulous!!!!!!!!!!Give me all the details for 10 points.

2007-05-04 10:29:11 · 8 answers · asked by Highly Favoured 7

your favorite guitar solo

2007-05-04 08:48:07 · 16 answers · asked by shiek yerbouti 3

MircoSoft, Airports, Animal cages

2007-05-04 08:16:44 · 11 answers · asked by Dusty DayDreams 6

There was this couple that had been married for 20
years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild,
screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding
a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft,
wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent b#st&!d,"
She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all
of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says
calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . you explain the kids."

2007-05-04 08:15:04 · 23 answers · asked by YouWishYouWereMe 5

Men should clean so they can tell the women where things should be.

Women should cook because their feet are smaller and they can get closer to the stove.

if you like this joke go to my other question:(read the reviews)
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070504113021AAgV4AZ

2007-05-04 08:14:08 · 27 answers · asked by theman 2