Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

Ten Stars! Gimme a break,okay. Please cough some up.

2007-05-03 11:59:58 · 5 answers · asked by donelle g. 7

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. " He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?".

"Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."

2007-05-03 11:59:56 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says: "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy."
The second mouse, not to be outdone says: "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down, I grab it and do bench presses with it."
The third mouse says: "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go screw the cat."

2007-05-03 11:18:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bar tender turns to the grasshopper and says "hey, you know what? We happen to have a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper responds "you have a drink called Kevin?"

2007-05-03 11:04:45 · 8 answers · asked by zoomddy2 3

A big-time negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on the ground next to him. The fish started writhing in agony and, to the negotiator's surprise, said, "Please throw me back into the lake and I'll grant you three wishes."
"Any three wishes, huh?" the negotiator mused as visions of expensive fast cars and beautiful women paraded through his head.
"Fish," he finally exclaimed, "Give me five wishes and I'll throw you back."
"Sorry," the fish answered while struggling for breath, "only three wishes."
The negotiator's pride was at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced, "What do you take me for? A sucker? I'll settle for four wishes."
"Only three," the fish murmured weakly.
Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish. Finally, the negotiator decided it wasn't worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said "All right fish, you win, three wishes."

Unfortunately, by then the fish was dead.

2007-05-03 11:00:30 · 4 answers · asked by zoomddy2 3

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. First the CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. Next the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. Finally the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

2007-05-03 10:56:08 · 8 answers · asked by zoomddy2 3

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

2007-05-03 10:47:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-03 10:29:21 · 11 answers · asked by My name's MUD 5

Hey hey hey! Try this riddle!

I make giraffe's neck long
I make boys cry
Dirt hates me
Grass loves me
Buffalos dance around me
I don't have legs but I can still move.
Can you solve this riddle?

Good Luck!

2007-05-03 10:26:02 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended)

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She does, and Mr. Gorill

2007-05-03 10:25:07 · 7 answers · asked by zoomddy2 3

A big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him, and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel. And if he could locate the bullet hole. he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Spring Buck." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .22 rifle." The others could not believe it. He was right, and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeked, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in their car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole said, "and the rifle was a .308," which of course was right. This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove is skills over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, stoned out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one heck of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?" His wife replied angrily, "From me, of course."

"But what did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a triumphant tone, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'"

2007-05-03 10:22:52 · 16 answers · asked by zoomddy2 3

An army of iraqi insurgents were marching along a large hill when a rock came over the kill and hit the iraqi cammander in the head, then a shout came, "I bet you 1 army ranger can kill 5 of your best soldiers!" So the iraqi cammander sent 5 of his best over the hill, after some gunfire another rock came over the hill and smacked the iraqi cammander in the head, followed by another shout, "I bet you 1 army ranger can kill 50 of your best men!" So the iraqi cammander sent over 50 of his best, after a lot of gunfire and a few explosions a third rock came over the hill and smacked the cammander in the head, followed by yet another shout... "I bet you 1 army ranger can kill 500 of your best men!" Furious the iraqi cammander sent 1000 men over the hill, after about 10 minutes of gunfire, screams, and explosions a few iraqis ran back over the hill screaming.. "RUN, it was a trick, there are 5 of them!

We army rangers are bada$$es!
:)

2007-05-03 10:15:19 · 4 answers · asked by Trevor Smith 3

"Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds,” Well God is both male and female."

This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,
"Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...

"Is God Michael Jackson?"

2007-05-03 09:34:59 · 67 answers · asked by man123470 3

There is a girl that my friend and I are pi$$ed at. So we are going to go to her house and do really bad things to it. Can you tell me so good ones? This is what i have so far...
-egg her car,
-put q-tips in her yard
-sran wrap her car, pint it and then put more sran wrap on it
-put crisco on her windshield

2007-05-03 09:16:40 · 10 answers · asked by luv bites (so do i) 3

my wife was reading a magazine last night and said''do you know a bull can have sex 200 times a week,why cant you be like that''
i said ''the bull has not got to fxck the same old cow''.
i did not get any dinner tonite i wonder why?

2007-05-03 08:43:56 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and
she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand
and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''? The man
replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice
try.'' The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her
lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you
think I am?'' The man replies, ''You're 37, right?'' The lady
says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.'' After lunch, she gets on
the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He
replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my
hand down her panties.'' So, quietly and quickly, she lets him
do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!'' The
lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?'' The old man
replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''


;) Jen x

2007-05-03 08:42:14 · 44 answers · asked by Jens 5

WIERD QUERSTION WHAT U THINK?

2007-05-03 08:40:42 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

what does you mom and a brick have in comon ..............they both get laid by meckans ha ha ha ha ha

take the f out of fun and the f out of way ............................
their is no f n way ha ha ha

rate 1-20

2007-05-03 08:32:38 · 4 answers · asked by b*a*b*b*y***g*i*r**** 1

A lady walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I cant give you cyanide to kill your husband Thats against the law Ill lose my license, theyll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didnt tell me you had a prescription!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable.""Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water!"

2007-05-03 08:27:48 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed



P....

E....

N....

I....

S....




His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:



*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

2007-05-03 08:25:24 · 94 answers · asked by Anonymous

so the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure and demands an explanation.
'well,' the cowboys says 'a pretty redhead asked me to visit her trailer. so i did. inside, she pulled off her top and asked me to take off my shirt. so i did. then she took off her skirt and asked me to remove my jeans. so i did. then she pulled off her panties and asked me to pull down my boxer shorts. so i did. then she winked at me and said: "now go to town cowboy." so here i am

2007-05-03 08:10:56 · 15 answers · asked by lou 7

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

2007-05-03 07:58:55 · 8 answers · asked by tucksie 6

i'd have somebody elses trousers on

star if amusing abuse me if it lol

2007-05-03 07:57:16 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-03 07:46:08 · 2 answers · asked by steve 4

the people who make it dont need it
if you need it you cant buy it
if you buy it you dont need it

what is it

2007-05-03 07:13:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

your a bus driver. you pick up ten kids in Dexter, 6 kids in Fisk, and you drop off 5 kids at Poplar Bluff. How old is the bus driver??

2007-05-03 06:38:54 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-03 06:21:55 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

2007-05-03 06:13:38 · 12 answers · asked by Henry K 1

Study Carefully.....the clues are so blatant you will
be kicking yourself if you miss them!

1)A man was found murdered Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these answers:
The wife said she was sleeping.
The cook was preparing breakfast.
The gardener was gathering vegetables.
The maid was getting the mail.
The butler was polishing shoes in the pantry.
The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did they know?

2)A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets. He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere and no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other crusader wearing a cape.
How did he do this?

2007-05-03 06:10:46 · 16 answers · asked by Nena 3

How did the dumb blonde break her arm while raking the leaves? (A hot guy waved to her)

2007-05-03 05:33:25 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous