[Selected]: All categories ➔ Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
ok i'm really depressed so think of this as a comedy contest...tell me something, anything i will give 10 points to the person who makes me laugh the hardest...btw...i love very stupid random stuff
2007-05-05 18:53:21 · 27 answers · asked by I LOVE POTC3!!! 3
A woman decides that she's had it with trying to
find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an
ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate
who is loyal, rich and a good lover.
After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens
the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no
arms and no legs.
He says, "I'm here about your ad."
Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do
I know you're loyal?"
"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam.
That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies.
"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.
"I make over $3 million a year. I have my own
software company. You can look at my bank
statement," he continues.
Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands,
"Well, how do I know you're a good lover?"
He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
2007-05-05 18:36:53 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous
When Adam came home in the small hours of the morning, Eve was jealous."But in all of creation," Adam reasoned, "There's no one but you and me." Mollified, Eve snuggled up to him. Still, when he fell asleep, she very carefully counted his ribs.
2007-05-05 18:30:45 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous
One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!
Dear Bo$$ In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply: Dear NOrman, I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
2007-05-05 17:04:02 · 19 answers · asked by Al 3
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
2007-05-05 16:57:54 · 11 answers · asked by boricua(787) 3
There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces
south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks
by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
2007-05-05 16:27:40 · 13 answers · asked by control 3
if you pick the right one then u will get best answer
2007-05-05 15:44:17 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous
So this is going to bother me until I remember the whole thing. This is what I've got so far:
Guess what? CHICKEN BUTT
Guess why? CHICKEN THIGH
Now I just need who, when, where, and how.
2007-05-05 15:16:20 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"
2007-05-05 14:34:04 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave."
2007-05-05 14:24:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous
A killer dies and goes to hell for his sins. He is greeted by the Devil who tells him he has the choice of three rooms, for all eternity.
Asking if he can view the rooms before he decides, the Devil leads the man to the first room.
He opens the door to see a million people standing on their heads on a concrete floor.
"I don't like that ,can I see the next room?"
The Devil leads him to the next room,
The man opens the door to see a million people standing on their heads on a wooden floor.
"Thats not for me either Satan ," the man says.
So the Devil leads him to the third room.
The man opens the door and peeks in to see a million people standing knee-deep in sh*t, smoking fags and drinking beer. Despite the atrocious smell, he tells the Devil that this is the room for him.
But five minutes later,the Devil returns to the room ,claps his hands and shouts, "okay you lot break is over, Back on your heads!"
2007-05-05 14:13:14 · 5 answers · asked by raybbies 5
2007-05-05 14:03:50 · 8 answers · asked by TRAF 4
Football Analogy To Church
Draft Choice: Selection of pew closest to or farthest from air condition vent.
Bench-Warmer: Inactive Member
In The Pocket: Where too many Christians keep their tithes
Fumble: Lousy Sermon
2 Minute Warning: Deacon in the front row looking at his watch in full view of the preacher.
2007-05-05 14:01:51 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous
Three ducks walk into a bar.
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles.
2007-05-05 13:46:45 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous
All The hot dogs taste like sh11t....haha..i know..corny
2007-05-05 13:43:05 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous
The Price of Confession
A man enters a confessional.
He says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".
2007-05-05 13:37:21 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous
You'll wake the baby!
2007-05-05 13:30:09 · 6 answers · asked by Karl 6
Whats worse than your doctor telling oyu you've got VD
Your dentist telling you you've got VD
Why cant miss piggy count to 70
Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb
Two if they're small enough
Did you hear about the nympho parrot
She liked a cockortwo
Why did the blonde stop using the pill
Because it kept falling out
A banana and a vibrator are sitting on a womans bedside table
The banana says I dont know why you're shaking she'sgoing to eat me.
Whats the difference between Jamie Oliver and a marathon
The marathon's a pant in the country
What do you do if yoour girlfriendstarts smoking
Slow down and use some lubricant.
2007-05-05 13:29:12 · 15 answers · asked by Jim M 4
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays
2007-05-05 13:26:28 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous
One of my favourites.
So, do you WAX?????
Only a woman can laugh at this. No one else would dare! Hope you enjoy!
This has to be one of the funniest and most awful scenarios I have ever
heard of... Bless this woman!!!
All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,
painless removal. The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now.... The Wax!!
My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix dinner;
played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my
mind for the next few hours; "Maybe I should do the hair removal thing for
the month?"
So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold
wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in
your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your
leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off! No mess, no fuss. How hard
can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl, but am mechanically inclined enough
that I can figure it out.
*YA THINK!!!*
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each together,
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hairdryer
and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my r e a r end (Oh, how this phrase
haunts me!).
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
OK... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this!!!
Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body
hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!!
With my next wax strip, I move "north". After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop
my p a n t i e s and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the
bikini line, covering the right half of my 'you know what' and stretching down to the
inside of my b u t t cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and
brace myself....
RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!
I'm Blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!... OH DEAR GOD !!!!!!!!!!!
I'm making noises that only dogs can hear .
Vision slowly returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half
of the strip. S**T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP...
Everything is swirly and spotted . I cannot breath or speak - I have
forgotten how ..
Do I hear crashing drums?????
Wait a few minutes and I'm back to normal (nearly) After all this I want to
see my trophy !!! - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has caused
me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my
triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it!
Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still
perched on the toilet. I see the hair... The hair that should be on the
strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S**T!!! I run my fingers over the most
sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake . . . . . .
Remember, my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do
something, so I put my foot down.
DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.
V? Sealed shut!
B u t t?? Sealed shut!!!
I penguin walk around the bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should
melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??
WRONG!!!!
I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than then that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilise surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together
is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.
In scalding hot water!! (Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax) So, now
I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!! God bless the man what convinced me I
should have a phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely
she's waxed before and has come secret of how to get me undone. It's a very
good conversation starter, "So my b u t t and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!
There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but does try to
hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is
located.
"Are we talking b u t t o c k cheek or is it covering - you know -
Everywhere(cringe factor 20000 at this point) ?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!
I should be the 'b u t t' of someone else's work-night jokes.
While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with
a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry
shaving the sticky wax off!!!
By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip
into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand
reaches towards the saving grace...The lotion they give you to remove the
excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my
friend, but I really don't care!!
"IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and
she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice, to
my grief and despair...
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair colour . . . .
2007-05-05 13:08:32 · 35 answers · asked by Tink 5
A woman got a job collecting sperm from turkeys for insemination on her first day the first turkey went gobble gobble..shut up you'll get a hand jojb like the rest.
A blond standing at a bus stop had her skirt blown up by a gust of wind revealing she wore no panties a guy passing tried to cover her possible embarrassment said airy isn't it? well she said what did you expect feathers.
2007-05-05 13:04:37 · 12 answers · asked by Jim M 4
What was that romance called?
2007-05-05 13:00:39 · 6 answers · asked by Pex 2
Little Billy goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Billy says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Billy, that's a mouthful."
Little Billy says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl*wjob."
and this..
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Billy.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Billy says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Billy replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
2007-05-05 12:40:09 · 9 answers · asked by bluecow 5
do you answer ?
2007-05-05 12:15:04 · 9 answers · asked by tom 4
wat breaks but dose not fall? wat fall but dose not break?
come on it easy
hint: it not an object or an animal
2007-05-05 12:08:20 · 7 answers · asked by CrazyEights 2
One guess per person, otherwise it deos'nt count!
2007-05-05 11:35:51 · 21 answers · asked by Zz LiZziE Zz 2
2007-05-05 11:05:52 · 3 answers · asked by tanlaask 3
2007-05-05 10:43:50 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous
doctor my wife has just dislocated her jaw-receptionist-ill tell the doctor and he will visit immediatly-husband-tell him to make it three weeks !! xx
2007-05-05 10:28:16 · 10 answers · asked by SUZANNE R 7
a woman is in hospital and she's dying and the only way to save her is to get blood from sum1 she has a rare blood type and the only person she knows who is the same is her boyfriend so he willingly gives her the blood a few months later she back to normal and there having an argument during this t break and the boyfriend demands for his blood back so she throws him a used tampon and says il pay
you back monthly
2007-05-05 10:27:52 · 27 answers · asked by hmmm.......... 3
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