Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

2007-05-07 02:53:35 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

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An older man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love.

However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice. The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion; "Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a
full-blown orgasm."They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay", he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,screaming, orgasm.
Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly....



.





















"THAT'S how you wave a f *** ing towel, son!!"

2007-05-07 02:45:26 · 6 answers · asked by chris w. 7

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
"Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge . I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You F+@K her again!"

2007-05-07 02:43:36 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man went to Mc-D & ordered for a ham, the assistant inquired to him politely before serving. sir, will you eat it here or take it with you? what was the one word reply that the man gave to her?

2007-05-07 02:40:15 · 9 answers · asked by ANUBHAV R 1

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O’clock in the morning, a resounding noise came form outside...

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man:
- “Sh*t!, that must be my husband!”

So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman:
- I’m your husband, you bi*ch!!!

So the woman answers:
- Oh, yeah?!! And why were you f**k**g running?!! You son of a b*tch!

2007-05-07 02:26:26 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-07 02:24:34 · 4 answers · asked by si bungas 1

2007-05-07 02:21:18 · 7 answers · asked by Lady Trey 3

Chinese couple had a black baby, husband didn't believe it was his, why
baby black? He asks his wife, the wife says, "u hot, I hot , baby burn!"


.

2007-05-07 02:04:13 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

2007-05-07 01:56:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the
pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag." "Damn!" says the little old lady.."I'd
better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the
warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?" " Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up
to the parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a
lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20
or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"

2007-05-07 01:51:12 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

What goes blonde brunette blonde brunette blonde brunette ?
A blonde doing cartwheels.
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday ?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
A blonde goes horse riding, it starts off slowly but then starts to gallop.
The blonde is enjoying herself but suddenly slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins, the horse doesn't stop and she's being dragged upside down ,panic stricken she doesn't know what to do and screams for help, finally the shop manager come's over and unplugs it.

2007-05-07 01:24:46 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

why did he wear a towel when he came out of the shower?

2007-05-06 21:10:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

the one that makes me lol gets 10 points for best answer

2007-05-06 21:00:40 · 5 answers · asked by brown 3

first two and last two are the same but opposite the middle is not heavy nine letters what am I

2007-05-06 20:04:38 · 3 answers · asked by Rufus121 2

2007-05-06 19:13:56 · 7 answers · asked by Conan 2

So this guy dies and appears before God. God says to him, "I've decided that you're going to be reincarnated. And since you were so good in your past life I'll let you be whatever you want in your next life."
The guy thinks about it and says, "You know, God, I really don't care what I'm reincarnated as. Just as long as I'm surrounded by p**** my entire life."
God nods and says, "You got it."





So the guy comes back to life as a tampon.

2007-05-06 19:01:09 · 21 answers · asked by girlie 4

This is an old one I heard from my Uncle-------I'm not creative enough to make on up myself.---------please tell me one you find amusing.

"If they took your brain--------------
and placed it on the cutting edge of
a razor-blade---------it would
look like a BB on a four-lane highway."

2007-05-06 18:22:22 · 6 answers · asked by EZMZ 7

the person that can make me laugh with a good joke gets the points.

2007-05-06 18:00:33 · 11 answers · asked by LT 4

2007-05-06 16:47:11 · 44 answers · asked by Joe 4

There are two dogs sitting on a porch - one dog is fat and one is thin.

The little dog is the son of the fat dog, but the fat dog is not the father of the thin dog.

Can you explain?


~first right answer gets the points!!!

2007-05-06 15:59:46 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

a docter said to a lawyer we were born on the same year, month, day ,and minute. we were born in th esame hospital, hospital room and we have the same 2 parents. we were not twins and we have no brothers

2007-05-06 15:58:32 · 15 answers · asked by so_what_if_im_a_blonde 3

A boy is walking into town and comes to an orange fruit orchard. He fills a sack with oranges and continues on his journey. He encounters a farmer and says, "give me half of your oranges and half of an orange and i wont tell anyone that you stole those oranges." He does and keeps going. He meets someone else that says, "give me half of those oranges and a half of an orange and i wont care that you stole my oranges" He does and keeps walking. Another man comes up and says "give me half of your oranges and half of an orange and ill let you live. He does, but now he is out of oranges, how many did he steal to begin with? Please star if you can't get it.

2007-05-06 15:40:06 · 17 answers · asked by theanswer 2

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/zoeken.html

2007-05-06 15:37:56 · 30 answers · asked by gcbtrading 7

2007-05-06 14:59:27 · 22 answers · asked by Rikki 6

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-05-06 14:34:57 · 4 answers · asked by ok 2

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-05-06 14:31:08 · 10 answers · asked by britt-bratt13@sbcglobal.net 1

2007-05-06 13:18:45 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

there is this guy at the corner of the street and sings...
67, 67, 67, 67, 67, 67
a blonde goes up to him and he keeps singing but crosses the street, singing 67, 67, 67. the blonde follows
when they get to the other side he just keeps singing,
67, 67, 67.
he crooses back over runnin, the blonde isnt fast enogh and gets hit by a car and dies.
the man says...
68, 68, 68
do somthing good for me if you laughed!

2007-05-06 12:03:56 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's an English man a French man and an Italian man sitting in a pub all talking about what they do after making love with there women.

The Italian man says after I've finished making love, i tickle my woman's back and she rises 2 inches of the bed in shearer pleasures.

The French man says that's nothing. When I've finished making love with my lady, i lick her body from head to toe and she rises 2 feet off the bed in shearer pleasures.

The English bloke says that's nothing.
When I've finished sha gging me bird i get up and
wipe my d ic k clean on the curtains and she hits the
fu**ing ceiling.

2007-05-06 11:35:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Doctor, I canna pronounce my F's, T's, and H's."
"Wel you can't say fairer than that then,"

2007-05-06 11:28:56 · 13 answers · asked by raybbies 5