Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

an engineer is standing outside the Pearly Gates.
"Sorry," said Saint Peter, "but you are in the wrong place." He snaps his fingers and the engineer finds himself in hell. Dissatified with the level of comfort here, the engineer starts making improvements,
One day, god phones satan to ask how things were going.
"Great," he answers, "We've got central air and escalators now. There's no telling what the engineer will come up with next."
"You've got an engineer?" god says, "There's been a big mistake. send him back here or I'll sue you."
"Yeah right," satan chuckles," where are you going to find a lawyer?"

2007-05-07 12:43:42 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

how far in can a dog run into the forest?

2007-05-07 12:40:57 · 16 answers · asked by *cough cough* 2

i bet my gf i could get 50 stars in one day , so far i'm up to 32 , and apparently my other time of asking for your star doantions has gone from the mainstream veiwing , so plz help me out , i'll owe her $1 for every star i come up short =] , thanx a million

2007-05-07 12:37:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.



With his skin already starting to blister , and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor prescribes an IV with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.



The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him, Doctor?"



It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

2007-05-07 12:09:32 · 12 answers · asked by Angela G 4

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, i'm a massage therapist and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the Inland Revenue Services....do you see me scr*wing the guy in front of me?"

2007-05-07 11:56:08 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-07 11:49:06 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.
Naturally I replied "Big t*ts."
He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
So I said, "Oh seriously big t*ts.
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt.
"Spend the rest of my life with one woman??? No woman's t*ts are that big!"

2007-05-07 11:43:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-07 11:06:30 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

decide to fly a spaceship and to land it on the surface of the Sun to do a geological survey. Upon hearing this Lady Fidgety Fingers the third a brilliant physicist contacted them saying how impressed she was that they had solved the heat problem and wondered how they were going to achieve this. Pat the leader of the group told her that they were going to go at night.

2007-05-07 11:02:57 · 13 answers · asked by Jim M 4

2007-05-07 10:33:53 · 9 answers · asked by imalwysrite 4

What is the dot over the letter "i" called?

first right answer gets the 10.

2007-05-07 10:09:13 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man this foo trying to gain respect from mexicans wearing mexican colors..this foo made a fool of himself comin out wit fake thug 50 cent..and did you see his dad ugly lookin predator ..lol..what a joke..black people..lol...not to mention why did i see a lot of black people waving the mexican flag..on cinco de mayo..what is the world coming to..

2007-05-07 09:44:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

fill in the blank!

2007-05-07 08:44:28 · 33 answers · asked by X_x dead 3

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do and all the kids are restless. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here, I'm smart and will answer the question".
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Jay said, "Abraham Lincoln".
The teacher said, "That's right Jay. You can go". Johnny was MAD.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Carol said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Carol. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said,
"I wish these women would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?

2007-05-07 08:35:16 · 17 answers · asked by Citizen Mac 6

2007-05-07 07:38:54 · 26 answers · asked by Blayr C 1

Mr. Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker. It was After Eight.

She was from Quality Street ; he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way, they stopped at a Yorkie bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said. I'm the one with the nuts' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr. Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic-Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard . He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his fun size Mars bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, he needed Time Out. He noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr. Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly he was soon to discover he had an itchy Double Decker. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with All Sorts!

2007-05-07 06:53:06 · 25 answers · asked by cara 4

CHINESE SICK LEAVE: "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really
sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."

2007-05-07 06:30:53 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Flowers 40.00
Dinner and Movies $70.00
Hotel room $200.00

The look on his face when you tell you you are on your period, priceless

2007-05-07 06:04:41 · 7 answers · asked by Tmabel 3

Sucka mecockoff lol

2007-05-07 05:18:11 · 5 answers · asked by missthong2003 3

Tidy Housekeeper?
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."

2007-05-07 04:56:25 · 7 answers · asked by Masoud   2

A van driver picks up young female hitchhicker and after they've travelled some distance he propositions her. She agrees and suggests they get into the back of the van but he tells he her it's full of plumbing equipment.

"I know," he says. "Let's do it on the bonnet." So throwing all caution the wind, they climb aboard and start bon*ing away. The passion is getting stronger, the van is swaying from side to side and at the crucial moment he flings himself away and hit his back on the aerial. The next day, it's still very painful so he goes along to the doctors.
"Mmm...that's the worst case of Van Aerial disease I've ever seen." said the doc.

2007-05-07 04:43:00 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men were captured by savage Indians in the depths of the jungle.
They were told to go out and collect one type of fruit and bring it back to the camp. Two returned quickly. The first had gathered cherries and as a torture, he had to put them up his backside.
Watching this the second man looked on aghast as he had gathered oranges, but just then the third man arrived back and the second man started to smile.
"What is it?" said the first. "Aren't you worried? Look at the size of those oranges!".
"No", replied the second man. "I've just seen Sharky return and he's got melons. :)

2007-05-07 04:31:19 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

They are hilarious


Here is the link if you want to check them out

http://www.hallmark.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/article|10001|10051|/HallmarkSite/hoops&yoyohome/HOOPS_YOYO_HOME_PAGE?landingPage=hoopsandyoyo&hostName=hoopsandyoyo.com

or
http://www.hallmark.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/category3|10001|10051|-102034|-102001;11443;-102034|ecards|hoops&yoyo

2007-05-07 04:17:50 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.
Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter, "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

2007-05-07 04:17:33 · 61 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy & Murphy visit a prostitute. Paddy goes into the bedroom. He comes out 10mins later & says, Heck, my wife is better than that." It's Murphy's turn and he goes in... He comes out 10mins later and says, "You know Paddy? Your wife is better."

2007-05-07 03:50:22 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men were talking.
Guy 1 :"so, how's your sex life?"
Guy 2 : "oh, nothing special, Im having social security sex"
Guy 1 : "huh...? what the hell is Social Security sex?"
Guy 2: "yeah, you know..I get a little each month, but not enough to live on...!"

2007-05-07 03:24:07 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous

When did this happen? I was watching Bill Maher and he's been making a lot of jokes about it.

2007-05-07 03:19:03 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get
into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he
was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety
on his face.
"Sir," she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied.You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the
wall."
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to
her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the
feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white
buttons were identified by the letters: WW , WA , and PP, and there was one
red button labeled ATR.
Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there
and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the WW button. Warm water
was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him.
The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button. Warm Air replaced the warm water,wafted and swirled about,gently
drying his underside.
He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped,and
without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed
his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable
pleasure. The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure!
He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he
pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!...
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse
was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was
in the ladies restroom!''
"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded
to a grin.
"That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow."

2007-05-07 03:11:46 · 33 answers · asked by richard_beckham2001 7

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi & said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

2007-05-07 02:57:22 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

he did'nt come anywhere

2007-05-07 02:55:18 · 18 answers · asked by freddy 4