calling all funny people and comidians! easy 10 points! make me laugh!?

Question

ok i'm really depressed so think of this as a comedy contest...tell me something, anything i will give 10 points to the person who makes me laugh the hardest...btw...i love very stupid random stuff

Answer 1

I spilled spot remover on my dog, now I can't find him...

Answer 2

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline. If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership. If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names. If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy. and 10 things to do in an elevator 1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!' 2. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?' 3. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 4. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves 5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 6. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!' 7. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers 'through' it. 8. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space.' 9. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler 'Bad touch!' 10. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

Answer 3

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Answer 4

Why females should avoid a girl's night out after they are
married!!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I
told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m. a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with
him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos= MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in,and I told him "Midnight".
He didn't seem pissed off . Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why?, he said, "Well last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "Oh. ****!!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Answer 5

I was sky diving, and was free falling from the plane at 10,000 ft., when I saw a chocolate bar falling right beside me. I thought wow, thats weird, and so I grabbed it. Why would anyone drop a perfectly good chocolate bar???? I was so distracted, that I forgot to open my shoot. You ask then why are you answering this question on yahoo! answers? Apperently my ghost has nothing better to do.

Answer 6

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what?............ A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot butthole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court Costs $45.00 Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS - For everything else, there's MasterCard!

Answer 7

I've posted this before for a similar request, but I believe it is worth repeating!
I hope you feel better soon.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Z4Y4keqTV6w
YouTube - Dad at Comedy Barn

Answer 8

Dracula likes to eat old men in diapers.

Random enough?

Answer 9

You love stupid, random stuff . . . then you certainly came to right place . . . nothing more random or stupid than Yahoo Answers!

Answer 10

Cherry's smell like cheese.

wat?? u said u like stupid random things:))))))