tell me a joke. . . .?

Answer 1

Why was the vibrator invented? The guy who invented it heard voices saying if you build it they will come LOL

What is long and hard and full of seamen? A submarine or ship LOL

A guy was having a midlife crisis and decided to buy a convertible sports car. He takes the car on the freeway to see what it could do. He gets it up to 90 when he noticed a cop following him the cop turns his lights on. The guy decided to outrun the cop. He gets up to 130 and decided he was to old to be doing this so he stops the cop said my shift is almost over and I don't want to do a lot of paperwork so if you can give me a good reason I have never heard before I will let you go. The guy says well my wife left me a week ago for a cop I thought you were that cop trying to bring her back. LOL the cop let him go. LOL

Answer 2

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"


The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."


****Here's another, (bonus joke)*****


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags . I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "WOW ! That's GREAT! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the heck out."

*******and ONE more !***************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Answer 3

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge !!

Answer 4

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas . Ray has
always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale
one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and
says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he
asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda boughta hat."

Answer 5

I don't know any, but my brother looks like a joke...hehe

Answer 6

What does a tornado and an ex-wife have in common

first theres a lot of sucking and blowing then you lose your house.

Answer 7

okay i hope this will make you lol : whats green and red,has 52 legs, 3heads and feellers with hair on them? I dont know but theres two of them having sex on your back!!!

Answer 8

see in the mirror it would be the biggest joke for you
one more...............
it was also a joke
have fun
bye

Answer 9

Look in the mirror M-L-E.

Answer 10

Little Johnny Jokes


Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered,
"An apple."

The teacher replied,
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.

"Is it a peach?" Billy asks.

"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies.
"Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.

"A banana," she says.

"No," the teacher replies.
"It's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.
"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries.
"That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny.
"It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
Little johnny is on the school bus. he is sitting right behind the driver. He says.
"If my daddy was a lion and my mommy was alion id be a baby lion."
Then he goes on and on in this fashion, using different animals. The bus driver gets annoyed and turns around.
"If your daddy was a drunk and your mommy was a whore, what would you be?"
Little johnny smiles sweetly and says,
"A bus driver."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
"Six feet under!", yelled Little Johnny.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "Beautiful" in the same sentences twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought My mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just freakin beautiful!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied,

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not!" answered his mother.
"If you do," Little Johnny went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? what did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F--K OFF!", the dog ate him!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Graceland and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a shirt with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.

Blonde Jokes


Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
Every day two blonde women would come out of work together and look for their car. But all the cars in the lot looked the same, so they sat around until all the cars were gone and then they would get in the last car and go home. One blonde said to the other, ''We need to find a faster way to get home.'' So the next day they went to work on a camel. After work they came out and the parking lot was full of camels. So the first blonde went around lifting up the tails of all the camels. The second blonde said, ''What are you doing?'' The first blonde said, ''When we came in today I heard someone yell "'Look at those two assholes on that camel!!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
A blonde calls the fire department because her house is on fire. The fireman asks " ok mame, how do we get to your house?" The blonde responds, "duh, big red truck!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
in a room there is a smart blonde, bigfoot, godzilla, the loch ness monster and a dumb blonde
there is also a dollar that they all want- who gets it?
Ans: the domb blonde because none of the others exist!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...

A blonde is speeding down a highway and gets pulled over by a blonde cop.The cop asks, "Can I see your license?" The blonde driver replys "What is a lisence?" The cop says it's a small square card with a picture of you and your info on it." So the blonde driver digs in her purse for it, but can't find it so she just gives the blonde cop her small mirror. "Oh", the cop says looking at her own reflection "I didn't know you were a police women".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
A blonde brunette and red head are running away from police men when they come across a barn. they go in, find three potatoe sacks then dump them out, and climb in. Soon, the police men come in. First the police man hits the bag with th e brunette in it . He hears meow,meow, and thinks its just a cat. He hits the bag with the red head in it and hears ruff, ruff, so he thinks its a dog. Last he hits the bag with the blonde in it and hears, potatoes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night hes doing a show in a small club in a small town in Alabama. With his dummy on his knee hes going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 2nd row stands on her chair and starts shouting: Ive heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can make women seem that way? What does the color of somebodys hair have to do with how they are as as a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to tell mean blonde jokes against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of laughing.
The ventriloquist was incredibly embarrassed and he soon begins to apologize when the blonde yells You stay out of this, dude! Im talking to that little jerk on your knee!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
There was a blonde who was tired of all the blond jokes, so she decides to prove to her husband that not all blondes are dumb. So she decides to paint a couple rooms in their house. When her husband leave, she gets started. When he gets home, her husband smells the paint. When he walks in the living room to see her sweating in a fur coat and a ski jacket. She tells him that she was painting. He asks why she is wearing two coats. She says, " I was reading the instructions on the paint can, and it said, 'for best results put on two coats'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
One day, a brunette came into my office and said, "doctor doctor! everywhere I touch, it hurts."
"I don't believe you" I replied. "show me" So she started poking herself, and everywhere she touched, she screamed "ow". I simply said, "Your not a brunette are you?"
she answered "no, I am actually a blonde."
I then told her "That is what I figured. Your finger is broken."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
This blond was very excited because she had put this puzzle together. She was telling all of her friends that it only took her six years to put it together. When they asked her why it was such a big deal, she said "Because the box says 2-4 years!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
There was a blonde woman that needed some money so she went to the park where she saw a little boy. She then wrote a note saying "I have kidnapped your child. Tomorrow put $5000 in a brown paper bag and leave it under the bench that’s next to the pine tree at the park." She taped the note to the kid and told him to go home to his mom and show her the note. Sure enough, the next day there was the brown paper bag under the bench, with all the money in it. Also in the bag was a note that said "HOW could you do this to a fellow blonde!?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde get lost in the forest. They start walking around, and suddenly, they find a mirror. It has a reading on the top: say a lie in front of this mirror and you’ll disappear to a better world. So the brunette goes first. She says: “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on the Earth”, and she disappears. The redhead goes next: “I think I’m the most intelligent person on Earth”, and she vanishes. The blonde walks forward, and steps in front of the mirror. She starts talking: “I think…” and she vanishes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
A blonde was standing in front of a coke machine, she put in 50 cents and a coke came out. She set it on top of the coke machine. Put in 50 more cents pushed the button and another coke came out.
She kept doing this until a guy standing behind her said, "Excuse me, can I get my coke and then you can go back to what ever you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Like duh not when I am winning!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...

Other Jokes

A rabbit is riding a motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: 'Yes ?' Rabbit: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle ?' Driver: 'No I haven't' The rabbit drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: 'Yes ?' Rabbit: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle ?' Driver: 'No I haven't' Then suddenly there is a curve, the rabbit sees it too late. He crashes of the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky rabbit. Covered in blood and surely dying, the rabbit asks: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle ?'
'Yes I have. I had a Honda for twenty years' the man answers. The rabbit asks: Where are the brakes??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a
bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of
the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her
into the president's office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to
deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag
onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she
came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're
carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old
lady replied, "I make bets."The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old
woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls
are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You
can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would
you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet
$25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then
said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring
my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!"
replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning
from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out
until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were
square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced
the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the
president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet
again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all
see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at
his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said
the president,"$ 25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be
absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his
head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the
hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I
bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the
Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some ******’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more ******’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the ******’ French toast."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-*******-believable!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promise land.
The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River." As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will only sink proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will sink into the water."
The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.
Finally George Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking that all of his sins are coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he'd ever see the other side.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank. As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which of the other brave souls was going next. A look of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water.
He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore, he's a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"
Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, “There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in it until I die.”

Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.

When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, “Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you.”

Hillary said, “Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a politician and traveling and all.”

She was about to leave, but then she said, “Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?”

Bill replied, “That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
Their is this guy that walks in to a bar and orders a beer will hes waiting he sees this donkey with a sign that says " If you make my donkey laugh i will give u $100's" SO he went up to walk to the donkey and wispered something in to the donkeys ear and the donkey started to laugh his *** off. the guy drank his beer and got his money, he came back 2 days later and the donkey was still laughing. the bar tender said make my donkey shut up. so the guy took the donkey out side and 5 min. later he comes in and the donkey is crying The bar tender said wat did you do with my donkey and the guy said wen u wanted me to make him laugh i told him i had a bigger d*ck then he did and I just proved to him he didn't
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
A French teacher was explaining to her college class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. House is feminine “la maison.” Pencil is masculine “le crayon.”

A student asked, “What gender is computer ?”
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer) because:
1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2.. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3.. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and
4.. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine le computer) because:
1.. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2.. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3.. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4.. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Hope you enjoyed