Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

A pirate captain walks into a bar with his first mate and they sit down at the bar. Now, the pirate captain has been a little down on his luck in the world of women, know what I mean? His first mate notices some lovely piratical wenches across the bar.

"Arr, cap'n, you should go o'er thar and talk to her, ask her to dance, aye?"

The captain replied "Arrrr, but what about me one eye? What if she makes fun of it?"

"Don't worry cap'n," said the first mate. "She only has one leg! She won't say anything with that one peg leg."

Convinced, the captain went over and immediately impressed the lady as pirates will do. He asked her if she'd like to dance.

"Would EYE, Would EYE!" she exclaimed.

"Oh yeah? Well... Peg Leg! Peg Leg!" replied the insulted captain!

2007-05-21 09:08:40 · 3 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned how you get a baby. The mother was amused and said, "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl then explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's wiener stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's how you get a baby."

The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get a baby. That's how you get jewellery."

2007-05-21 08:38:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I tried exercise as a means of burning fat, but it didn't work for me. When the fat started burning, it smelled like bacon and that made me hungry!

You walk by a nerd and you see him putting ice cubes up his nose,... so you ask why he's doing that.

He answers,"I'm keeping my lunch cold."

An elderly man had serious hearing problems for many years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.

The elderly man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed, “Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be very pleased.”

To which the elderly man said, “Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. I've already changed my will three times!”

2007-05-21 08:33:45 · 8 answers · asked by Hannah C 2

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I
want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing
beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

2007-05-21 08:29:37 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

SMARTA$$ ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

SMARTA$$ ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMARTA$$ ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMARTA$$ ANSWER #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughin

2007-05-21 08:27:22 · 7 answers · asked by *NuBCaKe* 4

2007-05-21 08:24:15 · 4 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

Once a doctor had a very unfortunate patient. He was forever suffering from headaches and if there was a bug going around he caught it without doubt.
One night at 1 in the morning the doctor recieved a phonecall in bed. The doctor answered, it was his patient, "Doctor Doctor!! I think I have constipation what do I do?"
"I am sleepin but make an appointment tomorrow" said the doctor. From this moment on the doctor always recieved a phone call in the early hours of every morning from the patient complaining of illness until fortunatley he died. Even though he shouldnt be the doctor felt slightly relieved until he got ran over by a bus the next day.
By coincedence the doctor was buried next to his unfortunate patient. it wasnt until the early hours of the morning when the doctor heard a tapping on the side of his coffin
"Doctor Doctor! Do u have something for worms!!??"

2007-05-21 08:20:48 · 6 answers · asked by angel eyez xx 6

2007-05-21 08:20:22 · 7 answers · asked by Huh 5

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T

1 . Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton..

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was
albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will
kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's
stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear
pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in
the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the
upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored
the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at
the same time . hence, multi-tasking was invented.)

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II
were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a
recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple,
and silver!

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to
paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad
and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a
Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
$1.19 You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being
able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in
quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your
thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for
automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the
Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of
celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher..

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most
often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space
because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart .. "Boy, I feel a lot
safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still
walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman
in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul
her fanny off to jail."

2007-05-21 08:16:47 · 17 answers · asked by riverman 3

A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job.

During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says "Yes, I fought over in Vietnam."

Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.
The guy responds, "Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my testicles off."

"Great!," responds the interviewer... we give disabled Vet preference. "You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m."

"But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?", asks the guy.

"Yes, but you don't have to come in until 10...
All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway!"

2007-05-21 08:16:09 · 18 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

2007-05-21 08:06:42 · 10 answers · asked by xxDiStUrBeDxx 4

There is three black roosters sitting on a fence.

A little boy ask his mom how many feet do those three roosters have?
The mother replies 6

How many eyes do the three roosters have?
The mother replies 6

How many beaks do the three roosters have?
The mother replies 3

How many hairs is on that white cats head sitting by the roosters?
The mother replies i dont know

The son then says "How come you know so much about black cxcks and nothing about white pu88y"

2007-05-21 07:55:45 · 9 answers · asked by ? 4

two nuns are having a bath first nun says "pass the soap" and the other says "yes it does". Why is this funny? Ive never understood it.

2007-05-21 07:53:47 · 10 answers · asked by lovelylady 2

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

Name: Greg Bulmash.

Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

Desired position: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

Desired salary: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

Education: Yes.

Last position held: Target for middle management hostility.

Salary: Less than I'm worth.

Most notable achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

Reason for leaving: It sucked.

Hours available to work: Any.

Preferred hours: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

Do you have any special skills?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

2007-05-21 07:51:20 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

& stinks of p*ss ?

A ) Your Granny doing the Hokey Cokey !

2007-05-21 07:44:15 · 13 answers · asked by Joe Ninety 2

A burgular was about to steal a DVD recorder in a dark room

when he heard a voice saying "Jesus is watching you!"

he looked around could'nt see anything so continued when he heard the voice again "Jesus is watching you!"

he took a flashlight from his pocket and looked around the room,

in the corner there was a parrot sat on a perch, he said to the parrot did you say that?

the parrot replied yes, whats your name he saked the parrot replied Moses...thats a funny name for a parrot said the man.

the parrot replied yes...and Jesus is a funny name for a Rottweiller

2007-05-21 07:38:15 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Men are like ........Laxatives ..... They irritate the sh!t out
of you.
2. Men are like ....... Bananas ..... The older they get, the less
firm they are.
3. Men are like. ...... Weather .... Nothing can be done to change
them..
4. Men are like ....... Blenders .... You need One, but you're not
quite sure why.
5. Men are like. ..... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they
usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word
they say.
7. Men are like ....... Department Stores .... Their clothes are
always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ....... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo
long to mature.

2007-05-21 07:37:52 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do you call a tiger with no ears and no legs?
anything you like he cant hear you and if he could he wont be able to chase you boom boom

2007-05-21 07:21:50 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

"What do you like most about me.....My pretty face or my sexy body"?????

The guy looks her up and down and replies...."Your sense of Humour"!!!!!.......

2007-05-21 07:18:18 · 25 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

for those who want the answer, it's on my 360 page

2007-05-21 06:09:48 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-21 05:56:12 · 3 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

2007-05-21 04:10:49 · 48 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

2007-05-21 03:34:37 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in th cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take her panties and use them.
Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned to the other husband and said, "These girls nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home with no panties!!"

2007-05-21 03:25:13 · 12 answers · asked by jsilverman645 3

Husband and wife in bed together. *
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder. *
She: "Oh, that feels good." *
His hand moves to her breast.*
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."*
His hand moves to her leg. *
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."*
But he stops.*
She: "Why did you stop?" *
He: "I found the remote."*

2007-05-21 03:24:27 · 5 answers · asked by Trish 3

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said the the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The Doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the Doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The Doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The Doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife conciderably, the husband encouraged the Doctor to

2007-05-21 03:23:17 · 12 answers · asked by jsilverman645 3

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law explained.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

2007-05-21 03:21:06 · 7 answers · asked by jsilverman645 3

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the fuXXing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"


Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F--K OFF!", the dog ate him!"

2007-05-21 03:10:41 · 24 answers · asked by ? 4

A man knocks on a someones door and when the door opens this man says what can I do for you and he says can I have a push and the man says no and he shuts the door. Then the mans wife says who was that and the man says just some one who wants a push so she sed when your car broke down last week someone gave you a push so go and help him .so when he opens the door he shouts were are you to this the man says over here were over her on the swing. was that funny?

2007-05-21 03:08:42 · 8 answers · asked by philip k 1

ONE DAY, IN LINE AT THE COMPANY CAFETERIA, JOE SAYS TO MIKE BEHIND HIM, "MY
>ELBOW HURTS LIKE HELL. I'D BETTER SEE A DOCTOR ."
>
>" LISTEN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEND THAT KIND OF MONEY,'' MIKE REPLIES.
>
>" THERE'S A DIAGNOSTIC COMPUTER DOWN AT WAL-MART. JUST GIVE IT A URINE
>SAMPLE AND THE COMPUTER WILL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT
>IT.
>
>IT TAKES TEN SECONDS AND COSTS TEN DOLLARS . . . a LOT CHEAPER THAN A
>DOCTOR."
>
>SO, JOE DEPOSITS A URINE SAMPLE IN A SMALL JAR AND TAKES IT TO WAL-MAT.
>
>HE DEPOSITS TEN DOLLARS AND THE COMPUTER LIGHTS UP ANDS ASKS FOR THE URINE
>SAMPLE. HE POURS THE SAMPLE INTO THE SLOT AND WAITS.
>
>TEN SECONDS LATER, THE COMPUTER EJECTS A PRINTOUT:
>
>YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW. SOAK YOUR ARM IN WARM WATER AND AVOID HEAVY
>ACTIVITY. IT WILL IMPROVE IN TWO WEEKS. THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING @
>WAL-MART".
>
>THAT EVENING, WHILE THINKING HOW AMAZING THIS NEW TECHNOLOGY WAS, JOE
>BEGAN WONDERING IF THE COMPUTER COULD BE FOOLED.
>
>HE MIXED SOME TAP WATER, A STOOL SAMPLE FROM HIS DOG, URINE SAMPLES FROM
>HIS WIFE AND DAUGHTER, AND A SPERM SAMPLE FOR GOOD MEASURE.
>
>JOE HURRIES BACK TO WAL-MART, EAGER TO CHECK THE RESULTS. HE DEPOSITS TEN
>DOLLARS, POURS IN HIS CONCOCTION, AND AWAITS THE RESULTS.
>
>THE COMPUTER PRINTS THE FOLLOWING:
>
>1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softner. ( Aisle 9)
>2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. ( Aisle 7)
>3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her to rehab.
>4. Your wife is pregant. TWINS. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
>5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
>better!
>
>Thank you for shopping @ Walmart. ..>

2007-05-21 03:03:58 · 12 answers · asked by ♥ME♥ 6