Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

As I was going to saint Ives I met a man with 7 wifes each wife had a sac each sac had a cat each cat had 7 kittens. Wifes, Sacs, Cats and Kittens how many were going to Saint Ives.

2007-05-21 02:57:02 · 14 answers · asked by jsilverman645 3

what am i?

2007-05-21 01:40:37 · 11 answers · asked by oisian88 4

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and mediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologised."Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.

It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

2007-05-21 01:13:46 · 13 answers · asked by Citizen Mac 6

mick got a job on a building site ,the foreman said to mick i want you to work with the brickees today and supply them with cement when they need ok mick said ,the toilet is a big hole in the ground behind the building site toilets not been built yet i am afraid so you will have to use that ok mick ok boss,so off mick goes to work ,3 hours later 1 of the brickees goes to the foreman and askes ,where is the labour for our cement ,the fore man says i dont know ,lets look for him , they found mick at the back of the building site ,next to the big hole in the ground [sillage hole] with a big stick poking the sh!! t in the ground, foreman says to mick what the hellare you doing there,mick answers ,coat fell in thehole and i am tring to get them out ,the foreman says you can always buy another coat mick, i cannt says mick my sandwiches are inme coat ha ha

2007-05-21 00:27:08 · 9 answers · asked by aidanj 3

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jon says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"
Listen; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and
the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
better than a doctor and you get Club card points".
So Jon collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:"You have tennis
elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will
improve in two weeks". That evening while thinking how amazing this new
technology was, Jon began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

2007-05-21 00:19:58 · 36 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

1st correct answer gets 10 points.

2007-05-20 23:56:32 · 9 answers · asked by Rice Crispies 2

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

2007-05-20 21:50:17 · 10 answers · asked by LONE WOLF 1

Funny or what
A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes.
"What happened to you?" asked the doctor.
"Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field.When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow’s ***. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that’s when I made my mistake."
"What mistake was that?" asked the doctor.
" I said hey this looks like yours hun!"

2007-05-20 19:27:28 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Riddle 3
Level Medium

Not a single parent objected when the teacher spanked every child in the class. Why?

2007-05-20 16:32:05 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

What walks on 4 in the morning, 2 in the afternoon, and 3 in the night?

2007-05-20 15:18:45 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

i'm writing a poem and i can't figure out wat rythmes with pillow. it goes like this: there was an old man who dreamed he was a widow. he got so freaked he ate his pillow. he awoke in the night with a horrible fright....... wat should i write for the next line. it's suppose to be in limerick form.

2007-05-20 15:17:26 · 39 answers · asked by forever_midnight 2

Health Warning!

Can't eat Beef, Mad cow....

Can't eat chicken . bird flu

Can't eat eggs ... Salmonella

Can't eat pork ... fears that bird flu will infect piggies

Can't eat fish ... heavy metals in the
waters has poisoned their meat

Can't eat fruits and veggies ... insecticides and herbicides.

Hmm...


I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!

Chocolate is a Vegetable

Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.

Bean = vegetable.

Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS.

Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category.

Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars

also contain milk, which is dairy.

So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Remember-

"STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS" !!!

Who would've thought??? Duh!!!!!

2007-05-20 14:33:53 · 24 answers · asked by kayleigh l 1

OK, I don't want to panic you, but I just saw something under my chair. It is blue, with black and red on..... what is it?


oh wait, i think it's the rug

2007-05-20 14:02:59 · 18 answers · asked by sinnedfairy 5

It started on a dark full moon night when a boy named billy went to a motel.When he entered he saw a man that looked like he was eating the new taco bell 7 layer dip and smell like he let it out.The man gave him his moldy room key and dispeered into his natural fog.When billy reached his room he can hear rats crawling in vents and old cold war videos on replay.He entered the room and his bathroom door was trembling and a bright light came out of the bottom of the door when he opened the door there was a surprise.It was a fat guy taking a dump reading about cheap car sales farting every 5 seconds.Then the fat man flushed the toilet.Billy heard screams saying NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.Then billy saw a huge wave hit him in the face.When he woke up he was covered in a dark creamy liquid at the wonka factory hearing ompalompas singing THANK YOU FOR A SHIPMENT OF FAT MAN.......Billy asked Fat mans what?Willie wonka appred saying SECRET RECIPE.THEN SHOT BILLY WITH A THOMPSON SUB MACHINE GUN.LOL END

2007-05-20 13:52:02 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said,(I love this bit).................. "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

2007-05-20 13:48:56 · 20 answers · asked by sinnedfairy 5

I heard this on the radio. Ok so this guy goes to his doctor for a checkup. and the doctor holds his neck and say 75, so the guy says 75, the doctor says good. he then hold his chest and syas say 75, the guy says 75 and the doctor says good. The doctor then pulls out a rubber glub and tells the guy to turn around and drop his pants. He then puts his finger deep into hs but and tells the guy say 75. The guy then says 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ...... lol

2007-05-20 13:23:12 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Possibly it was the excitement of going out with Dave, her new boyfriend, for the first time. Alternatively, it could have been something she had eaten. Whatever the reason, Caroline had been stricken for the last hour with a rather bad attack of wind.

By the time her date arrived it was all she could do to get from the house and into the car without disgracing herself. As Dave closed the door on her side and walked round to his, in desperation Caroline exploded with a very large and loud fart.

Dave, getting into the driving seat, appeared not to have noticed. However, turning to her and indicating towards the back seat he said, "Let me introduce my two friends, Linda and Brian. I thought they would like to join us tonight!"

2007-05-20 13:11:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Brunette is walking down this country road when she sees a Shepherd watching his flock she goes over to talk to him..

She says "If I can guess how many sheep you have will you give me one?"

He figured that the odds of her guessing the amount of sheep was slim so he says "yes"

She says "277" which is the exact amount of sheep he has.

The Shepherd tells her to pick a sheep and she looks over the flock and picks one.

The Shepherd looks at her and says " your not really a Brunette are you?

She replies " no I am not."

Shepherd says "If I guess your natural hair color will you give me my dog back?"

2007-05-20 13:07:30 · 23 answers · asked by bernman101 6

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.

The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"

"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

2007-05-20 12:54:01 · 17 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

I need some jokes to tell to my teacher so make it apropriate okay?

2007-05-20 12:52:09 · 4 answers · asked by pink angel 1

A cop is driving past a pubafter closing time and notice's 2 motor bikes parked outside, he decide's to check the back of the pub only to find 2 bikers , 1 has his fingers up the other guys b*tt.
Whats going on here he asks ?
The biker replies my mates had too much to drink and i'm trying to make him sick !
The cop says i think you should be sticking your fingers down his throat.
The biker replies thats just what i'm going to do next !

2007-05-20 12:49:53 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-20 12:40:06 · 4 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

There was this Operations Manager @ work named 'Jeff Formulak' who was talking to this employee named 'Tony' in his office about this New Supervisor named 'Mr.Jacobs'
Then,Mr. Jacobs came into Mr.Formulak's office

Mr.Formulak: "Ahhh! Yess!! Tony,I would like you to meet your new supervisor,this is Mr. Jacobs!"
Tony: "Hello,Mr. Jacobs!" as he went to shake his hand
Mr. Jacobs: "Neal,please!."
Then as Tony dropped down to one Knee,....Mr.Jacobs says "No! I mean my NAME is Neal!"
Tony: "Oh! I think I dropped one of my Contact lens!"

2007-05-20 12:33:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-20 12:31:30 · 6 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''

2007-05-20 12:26:44 · 11 answers · asked by ** :) ** 1

So it's little billy's first day of school. The day goes fine, but at around 1 o'clock the teacher decides to make an announcement.
"children, stand up if you think you are stupid." she says slowly and solemly, she has to find out who the kids are with low self esteem. But no child stands up. A few more moments goes by, and then little Billy stands up.
"Billy, do you think you are stupid?"
"No" comes the reply.
"then why are you standing up?" she thought she had made it clear that they were only to stand up if they thought they were stupid.
"I thought you were lonely standing there all by yourself."







okay, it's good for little kids, but I thought it was funny!

2007-05-20 11:47:36 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hi I'm 11 years old. I want to wear a bra. my mom don't want me to. What size should I get? I want a padded bra to make me look big like my friends. I measured myself I need a 32

2007-05-20 11:34:47 · 14 answers · asked by Sami 1

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I
make $400a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about him self, the CEO looked around the room and asked, Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

What did he do there?

2007-05-20 11:22:44 · 8 answers · asked by gardenerswv 5

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can
>carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
>___________________________________________________________
>
>
>10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
>
>The one who can eat the last donut.

2007-05-20 11:03:25 · 9 answers · asked by Angela G 4

big shoes!

2007-05-20 11:00:44 · 5 answers · asked by GBPfan 3