Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

I am here to get the Brazilian waxing !
Ich bin ein Brazil Nut !
Carne Vale,
Here Cometh
the Lord thy Goad,
il Papa !!

2007-05-19 13:50:19 · 6 answers · asked by Master Anarchy 2

there are three guys on a hellicopter.a black guy,a white guy and a mexican guy.they're all from different countries.the black guy says,"i love my country"and he throws down a coin.the white guy says,"i love my contry"and he throws down a coin.the mexican guy says,"i hate my country and throws down a bomb.

later,after they get off the hellicopter,the black guy's walking and sees a little kid on the ground crying.when he asked the kid what waz wrong he said,"a star fell out of the sky and chopped my leg off."

the white guys walking and sees a little kid crying.when he asked the kid what waz wrong she said,"a star fell out of the sky and chopped my dog's head off."

the mexican guy waz walking and saw two little boys laughing their heads off.when he asked them what waz so funny, they said,"daddy farted and the house blew up!"

2007-05-19 13:12:00 · 14 answers · asked by shorty 2

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

2007-05-19 13:03:27 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blond,breunett,and a red head,were out camping in the woods.one night the red head went out to find a bear for some food.when she came back,she waz dragging a bear.the other two girls asked her how she got the bear.she said "follow the tracks,follow the tracks,find the bear kill the bear." the next night the the breunett went out to find a bear to eat.when she came back,she was dragging a bear.they asked her how she got the bear,she said "follow the tracks,follow the tracks,find the bear kill the bear." the next night the blond went out to find a bear to eat.when she came back she waz all tore up. her clothes were riped, her hair waz all messed up and she waz limping.when the other two girls asked her what happend she said,"follow the tracks,follow the track....get hit by a train."

no offence to any blonds.

2007-05-19 12:48:15 · 13 answers · asked by shorty 2

Jasmeet Kaur watched her husband Santa Singh searching high and low, all over the living room. She asked him: "What are you so frantically searching?"
Santa: "Hidden cameras!"
Jasmeet: "And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?"
Santa Singh: "Or else, every few minutes, how is that guy on television saying....'You are watching CNN?"
"How does he know what I am watching?"
==============================

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

2007-05-19 12:35:44 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. 'The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
==============================...

A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses.
"Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to do the same."
"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."
==============================...

Saddam, sitting in the electric chair, is about to be executed.
"Do you have any last requests? asks Bush, who is the Chief Guest to do the honors of executing him.
"Yes," replies Saddam "Will you hold my hand?"

2007-05-19 12:30:46 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear about the blonde who dialed information looking for the number to 9-1-1?

How do you know a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? M &M shells all over the floor.

How come the blonde bought the car with the sun roof? More leg room.

2007-05-19 12:18:51 · 11 answers · asked by Commander 3

Let me know what you think about this one:

What is the difference between Hilary Clinton and the Panama Canal?


The Panama canal is a Busy Ditch!

2007-05-19 12:16:13 · 6 answers · asked by gitargal 3

ok in this show there was a teacher who wanted her students to call her by her first name to break down the wall between student and teacher.

the principal walks in and says "Mrs. Williams?"

then a dumb clueless student says, "oh no she likes to be called Katie!"

the principal says "oh really"(he doesnt like that)

he says to the teacher, "do you know what my first name is?"

The teacher says "actually i dont know your name"

he excitedly has proved his point and says "BINGO!"

then the dumb student says "ya know he looks like a Bingo"

lol its sooooo funny

its from Thats so Raven (but thats not important, isnt this funny!!!??????

2007-05-19 12:09:34 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Mexican

2007-05-19 12:09:29 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X63_sRVjxtU&mode=related&search


i think it is hilarious!!!!!!

2007-05-19 12:01:48 · 12 answers · asked by T-Mart 3

as he past he tipped he's hat and said good day lady's.

2007-05-19 11:45:36 · 10 answers · asked by ? 5

President Bush dies and is sent to hell. The devil says to him, "Hell is full right now, so you will have to take someone's place. You have 3 doors to choose from to spend the rest of eternity". The devil opens the first door and there is President Reagan smashing rocks with a sledge hammer. President Bush says "No, that repetitive motion would aggrevate my arthritis". The devil opens door #2 to see president Nixon strapped to a table with water slowly dripping on his head. President Bush says " No, that would drive me crazy". The devil opens the last door and there is President Clinton, getting "serviced" by Monica Lewinski. President Bush says "I'll take this room, oh yeah"! The devil then yells "OK, Monica, you are free to go".

2007-05-19 11:37:44 · 10 answers · asked by marks_your_man 2

My question is : What are the next two letters in this series: A E F H I K L M ?

2007-05-19 11:31:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

spinach
nose
force
hold

2007-05-19 11:14:29 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

During the war when we were still on rations 3 men walked into the local shop!
First 2 were American,1st american-give me a lb of sugar-sugar!
Next american-give me a jar of honey-honey!
Yorkshire man-give me a lb of bacon you big fat pig!!!

2007-05-19 11:11:22 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man weighs 100 pounds plus half of his weight. How much does he weigh?

2007-05-19 11:11:09 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

blonde goes to the doctors really worried she says "doctor I hurt all over" he says can you show me where it hurts. She prods herself with her index finger, in the ribs, ouch, prods her knee, ouch, and this happens everywhere she touches. "is it serious doctor am I dying"? "No says the doctor you've broken your finger"

2007-05-19 10:50:01 · 10 answers · asked by Magster 7

a duck walks into a pharmacy, grabs a roll of lip balm and starts to walk out the door, when the pharmacist yells to him "hey, how are you going to pay for that"? to which the duck replies "Just put it on my bill"

2007-05-19 10:39:46 · 7 answers · asked by marks_your_man 2

Type SUPERSTITIOUSFROG,Remove the G,Change the first S to an W,Remove all S's,Replace the second O with an E.,Change the P to an L,Change the first T to a D,Change each U to an E,Place the word END at the end of the phrase,Change the second E to an L,Remove the first R,Change the third E to an I,Remove the first two I's and the T,Insert an N between the O and the E,Finally, put spaces between the words...first correct answer wins

2007-05-19 09:23:17 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.

"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.

"For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.

"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."

The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.

The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.

The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"

Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."

The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"

2007-05-19 08:27:31 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

I can watch telly,eat my supper,use the computer ,listen to music and scratch my nose--oh damn i have spilt coffee over the computer gotta go-- damn it

2007-05-19 08:24:54 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three honeymoon couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.

As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife, "What huge buttocks!" Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.

The second man, also undressing, says to his wife, "Christ! What huge ****!."

She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.

Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as well.

The other two ask, "What happened? Did you put your foot in it?"

"No, but I could have!" the third man replied.

2007-05-19 07:45:04 · 36 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor asks her what had happened.

She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.

"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."

"The b@stard called again"

2007-05-19 07:15:02 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax & proceed to the checkout counter.
That man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replies.
The man continues,"Do you know what these are for?"
"Not exactly," the boy says, "but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."

2007-05-19 07:04:41 · 10 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

Hint: He did not drink his own urine.

2007-05-19 06:10:38 · 15 answers · asked by I<3ct 3

Joke

2007-05-19 05:51:47 · 42 answers · asked by forrestblue4 2

The one about the Elevator:



It had its Ups & Downs

2007-05-19 05:51:07 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the Bear Remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The Bear Remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van and then I can take him back to the woods and set him free."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

2007-05-19 05:32:50 · 13 answers · asked by ? 3

is this: if it were full in the first place and you poured half of the substance out, wouldnt it be half empty? and if it were empty and you poured the substance only half of the way, wouldnt it be half full?

dont get me wrong either way the first glass is still half full and the second is half empty, but doesnt it make more sense this way? i know this isnt a big deal, but i like to analyze.

2007-05-19 04:45:54 · 14 answers · asked by babeecakes510 2