Joke Anyone?

Question

Stupid Husband!

Chuck forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at
him. Claudia told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE
THERE."

The next morning, Chuck got up really early. When his wife woke up a couple
of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a
small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused,
Claudia put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the
house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Chuck is not yet well enough to have visitors.

Answer 1

Thank you for not using my wife's real name.

Answer 2

Oh man! That was hilarious! Awsome! I will definately give you a star for that!

Answer 3

Great Joke.

Answer 4

to make it more realistic the ending should be as follows:

Chuck is not yet well enough to have visitors at his grave.

But seriously,FUNNY

Answer 5

I laughed when I read it 2 days ago.

I chuckled yesterday.

Today.... YAWN

Answer 6

Ha Ha! Funny! lol! 10! Dumb husband!

Answer 7

Thats pretty funny but i have heard it before(not in awhile though) it was pretty good though!

Answer 8

Good one!

Answer 9

funny
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to.... OR they do.


One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge, plummeting to her death.
"Oh, ****!" the woman thought, "what a stupid way to die."
Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the air, catching the woman.
Delirious from shock, the woman shouted, "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!"
The man replied, "Do you suck?"
Stunned at this, the woman said, "No, I don't suck!"
And with that, the man let go of her.
"****!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again.
Suddenly, another set of arms grabbed her at the 9th floor.
"Thank God!" she screamed. "I would have died if it weren't for you!"
The man asked, "Do you ****?"
Absolutely aghast, the woman answered, "No, I don't ****!"
Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there.
Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die.
Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted, "I suck! I ****!"
"****," the man said, and dropped her.




Little Johnny has always had a fascination with sex, and always talked to his parents about it. One evening, the conversation got around to talking about penis's.
Johnny's dad tried to explain it to Johnny in a child like way.
"Well Johnny, your penis sleeps for a very long time. Sometimes when it is around women, it wakes up, stretches and grows to about 5 inches long and..."
"Dad", interrupted Johnny, "That sounds a bit small. Mum said that Bob's next door is twice as big!!!"



While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"



The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
"I had sex with another woman last night," he tells her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time."
"You miss me that much?" she asks.
"No", he says. "But it kept me from coming too fast."


"The porn industry totally shut down. They estimate that this porn shutdown has put over 6,000 actors and actresses out of work, 400 cameramen, and 1 writer."

One day George Bush was sitting in his oval office when his secretary came in.
The secretary informed Bush that "3 Brazilian soldiers has been killed in an ambush"
Upon hearing this news Bush's face began to sadden and began to sob and then a burst into tears.
The secretary asked why he was crying.
Bush replied "Damn Bill that is awful news, but please tell me something"
"What is it sir?"
"How many zeros are there in one Brazillion??"






Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."
Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants."
Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."
Employer: "More than we can use already."
Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk. If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."
Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications."
Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "Work for you? I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"
Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening."



Elly, a blonde, is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."
A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"



Every day (and night) I get tons of phone calls from telemarketers trying to sell me something. I hate these calls, but I always try to be polite when I say No Thank You. One night, I had a very persistent telemarketer, and no matter how many times and ways I said No thank you, not interested, he would not let up. I finally said, "Listen, I am not financially in a position to buy anything right now. I am broke and on the verge of bankruptcy."



Without missing a beat, the telemarketer said to me, "I understand what you mean. Why do you think I have this job right now?"

Answer 10

LOL! Why do cows wear bells?






















Their horns don't work.:-}