Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

1) How do cows cut the grass?

They "Moo" it!!!

2) Why did the cow cross the street?

To get to the "udder" side!!!!!

2007-05-16 05:12:42 · 7 answers · asked by phanti 3

Born on a sunny day, beneath a tangerine sky
I live life without pretending
I’m a sucker for happy endings
...

2007-05-16 05:02:25 · 4 answers · asked by Julz 3

A bus conductar sees a man jumping on his bus so pulls the bell and the man falls off, killing him.

The conductor was found guilty of murder and sentenced to death by electricution.

He's asked for any last requests and he says 'I'll have a green banana.'
He eats the banana and then they strap him in and pull the switch. He shivers and say blurr! but does not die.

They are amazed by this but have to let him go because it's policy. He then goes back to work as a conductor.

The first day back a man agains jumps on the bus and the conductor pulls the bell and the man falls off and is killed.

Another trial another guilty verdict and another death by electricution sentence.

He's asked any last requests? ' I'll have a green banana.'

He eats it and is straped in and the switch pulled and he shivers and goes blurr! But he doesn't die and so they have to let him go as it's police, but they are amazed and say we've never had this and never twice, off you go.

2007-05-16 05:01:27 · 14 answers · asked by Eye see! 6

STUN GUN (Only a guy would do this!)

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****** to one side as
to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
_DESTRUCTION!@$$!%_

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.

You will not let go of that thing unt il it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like h3|| !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock.

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

2007-05-16 04:44:47 · 13 answers · asked by ♥ME♥ 6

2007-05-16 03:59:09 · 6 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

four men wearing hats.between the first and the rest there is a wall.the firs one is facing the wall and the rest are looking infront of them.no one is allowed to look in any direction.they know that there are two black hats and two white hats.they only have ten minutes to say the colour of their hat.after one minute one of the four called out who is he?

2007-05-16 03:52:52 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pirate walks into a bar. It's a strange looking pirate. The bartender asks him, "Hey, what's with the green skin and pointy ears?"

The pirate says ... "I'm from MARRRRRRRRRRS!!"

2007-05-16 03:45:03 · 3 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

Say there's a boy named Jose, who lives in the African jungle alone in the middle of nowhere. He has never heard of Jesus and lives too far away from civil society to know that there is a civil society. He's in his early twenties, and he doesn't speak english.
Will he go to Heaven or hell?

2007-05-16 03:38:58 · 9 answers · asked by :D♥happy♥:D 2

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and goes up to the artist and asks him if he could get a tattoo on his pen!s.

Shocked, the tatoo artist says to the man "What kind of tattoo would you want on your member?"

"A hundred dollar bill" says the man.

Confused, the tattoo artist says "Why the Hell would you want a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your pen!s???"

"So my wife can blow a hundred bucks whenever she wants!"

Ba dum bum

2007-05-16 02:34:14 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

when he arrived Batman asked why he was late,
Superman said he was flying over the city he saw Wonderwoman lay spred-eagled on the bed naked.
I'd promist her that we would get it on one day so I zoomed down and did it.
Was she suprised said Batman
Yes said superman ...but not as suprised as the invisable man!!

2007-05-16 02:31:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. i am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.
***
my name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes (-height of desperation!)
***
iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred. (No comments) I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT. (-maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)
***
hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life happily.i divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good'. i expect the good minded and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ... (-but credit cards not accepted..???)
***
my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service
***
i'm looking out for who lives in bombay, girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY

2007-05-16 02:15:46 · 5 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

Would you scream? I would jEst laugh because I hate these tree questions.

2007-05-16 02:12:41 · 3 answers · asked by donelle g. 7

These followings are actual ads on a matrimony site in India . Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart! Disclaimer : I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this
***
Hello To Viewvers
My Name is Somesha , I am single i dont have Famale, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe..if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Somesha
***
i want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa state he is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework (-Homework?)
***
Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. She may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you

2007-05-16 02:09:02 · 2 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

This Guy walks in o his neighborhood bar and the bartender says hi gerge what will it be? the man answers and says the usual but from now on call me lucky the bartender was confused he says why are you lucky the guy says well me and my girl were having sex last night and the guy down stair got so mad at the noise we were making he picked up a gun and shot at the ceiling the bullet missed my girl but got me in the nuts the bartender said I dont Understand how does that make you lucky? the man replied well a minute earlier and it would have got me right between the eyes.

2007-05-16 02:04:14 · 9 answers · asked by dynomight892001 1

Mum and Dad liked the names Frank and Sam so much they called their twin sons Frank Sam and Sam Frank. During their lives they did everything together. One night they crashed their car and died. Unfortunately Sam Frank was sent to hell, whilst Frank Sam went to heaven.
After a year Frank Sam (who could see into hell) said to St Peter- I'm fed up sitting just playing this harp whilst my brother is down in hell having a great time- wine women and song -is this all there is.
St Peter replies that once a year he can have any wish , so Frank Sam asks if he can visit his brother in hell. His wish is granted, on the condition he is back by midnight, and off he goes to see his brother who by now has a bar. They have a great time drinking and dancing in the disco.
Frank Sam realises that its midnight and scurries back up to heaven. St Peter sees him in a terrible state- cassock torn and halo askew. He asks him where his harp is.; Oh no he replies I've left my harp in Sam Franks disco???!!

2007-05-16 01:48:06 · 10 answers · asked by allbut21 2

Three mice are sitting at a bar bulls******g about which one is the toughest, most hardcore, macho mouse.

The first mouse does a shot, slams the glass on the bar and says, "I set off mouse traps just for fun. I grab the cheese and when the bar comes down, I benchpress 50 or 60 reps before I take my loot home." He slams another shot.

The second mouse downs a shot and says, "That's nothing, bro. I eat those rodent-poison tablets like candy. I can chow a whole box of Decon without even farting." He slams another shot.

The third mouse downs a shot and walks away from the bar. "Where ya going, ya wimp?" the other mice chortle.

The third mouse shrugs. "I'm going home to f * * k the cat."

2007-05-16 01:25:23 · 5 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

Some irish men got of a boat at liverpool and saw a sign saying bends for half a mile so they all bent over for half a mile?

2007-05-16 01:11:54 · 5 answers · asked by philip k 1

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and have a shag?" the husband asked.

"Shhh!" said the bride, "All the neighbours will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking "Have you left the washing machine door open" instead?"

So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it", replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she nudged her husband and said,

" I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

" No thanks" said the husband, "It was only a small load and I've done it by hand!".

2007-05-15 23:17:00 · 5 answers · asked by angel eyez xx 6

Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor , get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same,"replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says,"You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."


The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same”

2007-05-15 23:13:25 · 5 answers · asked by Samuel D 1

Two prostitutes standing talking , one says to the other , Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz ?
The other one said No , but iv'e been swung around by the ****.

2007-05-15 23:13:03 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.

2007-05-15 22:57:49 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Its been realy bugging me.

2007-05-15 22:57:45 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

must be cold, what should i do,put it between your legs to keep it warm,but it stinks says the wife,husband replies well hold its fuckin nose

2007-05-15 22:39:23 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. "I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job"
--George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign


2. "This is a great day for France!"
--Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral


3. "Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy
to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I
bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any
of that.'"
--George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students


4. "For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan.
We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh...
setbacks."
--George Bush


5. "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy. But that could change."
--Dan Quayle


6. "Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in
the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that
is right here."
--Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989


7. "What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How
true that is."
--Dan Quayle addressing the United ***** College Fund


8. "I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of
Baltimore-that is Maryland."
--William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address


9. "The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There
are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at."
--George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline


10. "I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is
what drives me."
--George Bush

2007-05-15 22:17:43 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A crack-head amongst a crowd of other spectators watched as a woman cried for help to save her child from a burning building, 5 stories up.

The crack-head yelled up, "Drop the baby, I'll catch it!" The woman didn't know the man was a crack-head and tossed her baby down.

The crack-head, ran, caught the baby, tucked the baby under and rolled over, stood back up and raised the unharmed baby in the air.

The crowd began to cheer in relief, and the crack-head forgot where he was, and spiked the baby and began a touchdown victory dance.

2007-05-15 22:15:02 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,"I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that's why I'm here".

The next dog said,"I peed on my masters £1000 rug".

The next dog then comes in and say's,"My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!".

"And that's why you're here?" asked the other dogs. "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."

2007-05-15 20:46:58 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."

2007-05-15 19:58:18 · 5 answers · asked by confusedandfrustrated!! 2

2007-05-15 19:26:07 · 11 answers · asked by buck wilde 2

2007-05-15 18:58:57 · 26 answers · asked by Paul D 3

2007-05-15 18:15:14 · 16 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7