Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

what has four legs at morning,two at noon and three at night??




10 points for the right answer!!

2007-05-15 10:15:58 · 15 answers · asked by ♥emily elizabethhh♥ 2

suitable for texting to a friend who is having a sh*tty day.

2007-05-15 09:26:51 · 8 answers · asked by atty2b2012 1

Two Kansas farmers, Jim and Bud, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bud and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes."

Bud thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house." " And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

2007-05-15 09:14:04 · 13 answers · asked by Chairman LMAO 6

2007-05-15 08:55:20 · 6 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-15 08:01:59 · 9 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

The Mournful Man...

A friend reminded me about the time he was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave when he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away.
The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly,
"Why did you die? Why did you die?"
Over and over again.

Cal was overcome with emotion at the sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him.
"Why did you die? Why did you die?" Again and again.

Cal gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there, is a loved one of yours buried here?"

"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."

2007-05-15 07:58:18 · 9 answers · asked by mobile auto repair (mr fix it) 7

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.

"When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.

"I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."

2007-05-15 07:42:32 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said:

"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said: "Lord, please build a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required would have to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "'Bout that bridge -- you want two lanes or four?"

2007-05-15 07:08:11 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

So a pirate walks into a bar, okay, and swaggers up to the barkeep and demands a glass of rum. I believe his exact words were "Your rum or your life, dog, what'll it be?".

And so the bartender, being a reasonable fellow, makes no complaint but simply grabs a large glass, a bottle of fine dark rum, and begins to pour. And while he's waiting for the glass to fill (this being, as I said before, a large glass) he sizes up the pirate, having never seen a real honest-to-God pirate before.

This pirate is in full pirate gear. Gold earrings, patch over the eye, a big filthy white blouse covering his swarthy chest, tattoos everywhere, all of it. But protruding from his pirate trousers is the unmistakable form of a steering wheel.

(Cont. .... )

2007-05-15 06:41:46 · 6 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. You look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? That‘s new"

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook?"

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch?"

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird poop!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

2007-05-15 06:33:07 · 8 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-15 06:18:24 · 3 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-15 05:59:43 · 5 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-15 05:14:09 · 58 answers · asked by sinnedfairy 5

eg. "Ask not what your underwear can do for you, Ask what you can do for your underwear."

-10pts for craziest familiar quotes

2007-05-15 05:07:55 · 6 answers · asked by ari-pup 7

2007-05-15 05:04:18 · 8 answers · asked by COLIN D 1

2007-05-15 04:38:24 · 12 answers · asked by Yahoo Man 1

What is the best way to unwedge a wedgie. I need to know fast .. thanks

2007-05-15 04:24:05 · 15 answers · asked by WatchOut 1

A man goes to the doctors complaining of reccuring dreams he says "1st i'm a teepee then i'm a wigwam then a teepee then a wigwam,whats wrong with me ?"
"It's very simple" the doctor said "you are too tents."

2007-05-15 04:16:59 · 18 answers · asked by topwomaniser2 1

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-05-15 04:16:33 · 12 answers · asked by nothing 5

i need to know because my carribean friends say it alot and i waqnt to know what she's talking about.

2007-05-15 04:15:42 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.
The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,
"THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE" The congregation began to sing
"AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER" The congregation sang
"THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing, "
MEMORIES.

2007-05-15 04:08:25 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

For me it has to be the Buck Rogers y-fronts (with rather unfortunately placed ray gun on the picture!) I had as a child.

They still fit!!

2007-05-15 03:54:42 · 28 answers · asked by Doodle 6

Phil and Dave go running through the woods only to be met a by a very wide and deep river with a rickety old bridge.
Phil "Come on boy, let's make a dash for it, that bridge will hold alright."
Dave "No way man!"
Phil makes a dash for it and just makes it before the bridge collapses leaving Dave on the other side.
Dave "Oh nice one!"
Phil "No worries mate, I'll shine this torch across the river and you can walk across the beam to the other side"
Dave "Are you nuts ? I ain;t gonna do that!"
Phil "Why not?"



Dave "You'll turn off the torch when I'm halfway across!"

2007-05-15 03:49:07 · 13 answers · asked by Doodle 6

A dr. in Newfoundland wanted to get off work & go hunting so he approached his assistant. "Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow & don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic & take care of all of our patients." "Yes sir!" answers Garge.
The dr. goes hunting & returns the following day & asks, "So Garge, how was your day?" Garge told him that he took care of 3 patients.
"The 1st one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
Bravo mate. And the 2nd one?" asks the dr.
The 2nd one had stomach burning & I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Garge. "Brave, bravo! You're good at this & what about the 3rd one?" asks the dr.
"Sir, I was sitting here & suddenly the door opens & a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses, taking off everything including her bra & panties & lies down on the table, displaying herself. She said, 'Help me, I haven't seen a man for 5 years'!"
"And what did you do, Garge?" asks the dr.
"I put drops in her eyes."

2007-05-15 03:48:42 · 10 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

2007-05-15 03:28:46 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-15 02:44:29 · 3 answers · asked by Hot Coco Puff 7

goes to see a witch doctor, he had tried everything else and nothing worked.
The witch doctor gave him a potion and said next time you want an erection say 123 and you will get one and it will last until you say 1234.
That night he was in bed with his wife and tried it, it worked! but his wife turned round and said what did you say 123 for.
haha

2007-05-15 02:38:58 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

LIST YOUR NAME ! and tell me what is(describe sl) and why you play second life

2007-05-15 02:35:05 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought "I don't f*ck**g think so."

2007-05-15 02:29:16 · 17 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

Two older women, Judi and Monika, who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said Monika, "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Judi.

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled Lady Monika.

Judi responded "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."

2007-05-15 02:27:16 · 11 answers · asked by vixen xx 3