Random jokes and whatnot?

Question

A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I hate all the blonde jokes people tell."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
They went outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.
The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
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A blonde went to the dentist one day to have a tooth pulled and she was very nervous about it. The dentist noticed this and while he was putting his gloves on, he started to talk to the woman so she wouldn't feel so nervous.
He asked, "Do you know how they make these gloves?" The woman shook her head. The doctor explained, "In a big rubber factory they have a whole lot of men and women with different hand sizes and they have to put their hands into a big huge tank of melted rubber and wait until it dries and then take it off and do it again." The woman didn't even blink she seemed to be too busy trying not the panic.
So he tried telling her a joke or two but once again she didn't even smirk. So he gave up about five to ten minute later.
In the middle of getting the tooth removed she burst out laughing and he had to stop in case she'd choke. He asked, "What's wrong?" She just laughed and said, "If that's how they make gloves I wonder how they make condoms."
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A blonde, A brunette, and a red-head all died in a car crash, and they all went to heaven at the same time.
They arrive at the gates of heaven, when God appears and tells them they must pass a laughter test, if they fail, they will be sent to hell.
The objective was to climb 100 stairs without laughing. Each stair will have it's own joke.
The Brunette goes first, and laughs at the 46th stair.
The Red-Head goes second, and makes it to the 77th stair.
The Blonde, makes all the way to the 100th step, when she suddenly bursts out with laughter.
God asks "Why are you laughing now?"
The Blonde says "I just got the first joke".
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10. Viagra, it's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, the quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, reach out and touch someone
4. Viagra, strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra, tastes great! More filling!
2. Viagra, we bring good things to life!
And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis... This is your penis on drugs.
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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."
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The sperm whale has the heaviest brain of any creature that ever lived on Earth.
Julius Caesar, the famous Roman emperor, had all the hair on his body plucked. Baldness in ancient times was a sign of mascilinity.
Charles Dickens got paid penny per word for his novels. (Thus explains the length of "A TALE OF TWO CITIES")
Dinosaurs burped and farted.
A cockroach can live nine days without its head before starving to death.
The shortest war in history was 38 minutes between England and Zanzibar.
A polar bear's skin is black. The fur is not white. It is actually clear.
William Shakespeare, the English genius, invented the words "assassination" and "bump."
Women blink twice as much as men.
On average, a right- handed person lives nine years longer than a left- handed person.
If the population of China passed you in a single file line, it would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
China has more English speakers than the USA.
The longest name for a town in the world is 167 letters.
The longest word in the English language contains 1909 letters. It is the name for a part of DNA.
Vatican City is the smallest country in the world with aa population of 1000 and an area of 108.7 acres.
An elephant walks on its three toes.
The whale is considered a mammal (creature with hair or fur). The hair on the whale is on its chin. It has three hairs.
A cow cannot give milk unless it has had a baby first.
The right arm of President Lincoln was longer than his left. This is because in the political campaigns, he would have his right arm shaked many times.
No portrait of Washington exist with his mouth open. He had wooden teeth and if were to open his mouth, his teeth would fall out.
Washington never chopped down a cherry tree.
Marie Antoinette never said "Let them eat cake." It was rumored that she did to stir hatred against her.
Some useless things to know for the fact of knowing.
The most common last name in the world is Patel.
The most common first name in the world is Mohammed.
No word in the English language rhymes with the words month, orange, purple, or silver.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
Our stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every 2 weeks or else it will digest itself.
Our skin weighs twice as much as our brain.
An ostrich's eye is larger than its brain.
If you ever find yourself in the jaws of a crocodile, jam your thumbs into each of its eyes. It will release you instantly.
The first bomb dropped by the Allies in WW II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
If you being chased by an alligator or crocodile, run in a straight path rather than zig-zag. They can't see straight.
The best selling book in the history of man is the Bible.
The largest pyramid is not in Egypt but rather in the Yucatan (Mexico), built by the Mayans.
The Amazon River is the largest river in the world by volume.
If a octopus gets hungry eough, it'll eat its own arms, besides it has eight it can spare one or two.
When you sneeze, the air that comes out of your nose goes faster than that of a hurricane.
Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Who had the horrible idea of the word lisp having a 's' in it?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why is it in a film any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
Why is it in a film most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
Why is it in a film television news bulletins always contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
Why is it in a film the door bell always rings at the end of a conversation, never in the middle.
Why is it in a film a detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
Why is it in a film if you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
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A mother taught her daughter about sex.
She said,"If somebody feels the top part of your body, say stop. If somebody touches the bottom part, say don't."
One day the daughter came to the mother and said,"A boy in my class touched both the top and bottom parts, so I said, don't stop!"
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Two virgins get married.
As their first night together approaches, they wonder what they are supposed to do. So they decide to call the bride's mother.
The mother tells them to get undressed. They do.
Then she tells the bride that the groom should put the "Hardest part of his body into where you go to the bathroom."
An hour later, when the bride's mother calls back and asks how everything went, the bride says, "Well, I don't know, he has his head stuck in the toilet bowl, now what?"

Anything funny to you?
Star.

Too long for you?
Star anyways.

Answer 1

Those where Soooooo good! A Star and a 10 fer sure!

It is a relief to see some good jokes on here for a change!
Keep up the good work!

.

Answer 2

lol i got 1 for ya

a priest got a cab ride n the cab crashed killing the priest and the cabbie well there both up in heaven an angel comes and says to the priest heres your new house n showed him a nice 1 bedroom home with a lil fence then the angel showed the cabbie a huge mansion 1000 buietiful angel maids swimming pool bball court n the priests asks the angel i served God my whole life n i get this lil house while the cabbie gets a mansion how come??? the angel replies bak and said while u preached ppl slept while he drove ppl prayed

Answer 3

haha, that list of things was a little lengthy but still funny. The "don't stop" one had me cracking up though

definitely worth a star

Answer 4

The 1st 1 was funny as hell......omg, i laughed my @$$ of...ty vm, I am a joke collector, you have helped me alot, here's a star, if you have more, e-mail some to me, I would really appriciate it..

Answer 5

I hated those dumb blonde jokes!!! I hate all dumb blonde jokes! But, however, the 90's stuff got me all: OMG:ish. That means, that you're off the hook... this time! ;)

Answer 6

superdupermagnificent
wowineededthatgood
laughthankyouicantstop
laughingcositssuperduper
funnytillilaughmyassoff
literallysoigottapickitup!
wahahahahahahahah!!!

Answer 7

lol there very funnny 10/10

Answer 8

doesnt door hinge rhyme with orange
just sayin

Answer 9

Long but sooo freakin awesome!!!! GOLD STAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 10

O I needed that thanks. I've got to send the last one to my husband.