Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

This is a very old one.

2007-05-13 03:08:27 · 15 answers · asked by Richard 7

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

2007-05-13 02:44:19 · 42 answers · asked by sukhsukhi 2

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3. Insist that your e-mail address be xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or elvis-the-king@companyname.com.

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'

7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours"

10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13. Don't use any punctuation

14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15. Ask people what sex they are.

16. Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

22. Five days in advance tell your co-workers you can't attend the social event because you're not in the mood.

23. Pretend your phone is a CB when talking with clients.

2007-05-13 00:55:48 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand ... Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so ... And there is nothing you can do about it. Make sure you pass this on to your friends ... They won't be able to believe it either!!!

You can star if you want.

2007-05-13 00:19:20 · 22 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?.

"No," said the little boy..."It's a puppy!"

Star if you laugh.

2007-05-13 00:14:35 · 22 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

2007-05-13 00:00:38 · 14 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

what goes 'tick, tick, woof, woof'?

























































A WATCHdog! HAHAH.....

2007-05-12 23:34:59 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jamal is a 15 year-old 5th grader.

........

This is Jamal's homework
assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.

3. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my b***ch rectum both.

4. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

5. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a
cup and said penis.

6. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake."
He say, "B******T, that watch israel."

7. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the
apartment undermine.

8. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "How much?"
she say "fortify."


Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word....


Today's word is: "OMELETTE"

Let us use it in a sentence.

"I should pop yo *** fo what you jus did, but omelette
dis one slide."

2007-05-12 23:31:00 · 11 answers · asked by sylesh3 3

watz scarier then da devil, itz a 7 letter word, if u eat it u will die, poor people have it, rich people need it.
wat iz it?
if u want da answer message me plz.

2007-05-12 22:58:43 · 9 answers · asked by Brittany Rubixx 2

i will sing u da song am hearing now DEAL ??! ....Its back at one 4 shayne ward ...... 1 u r like a dream come true .. 2 just wanna be with u 3 ............. that's all ....... tell me a joke pllss

2007-05-12 22:25:53 · 6 answers · asked by marioma 3

Subject: Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and
rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo,so the main
man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing
a beat
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out
rank you.Tray-up, B****

2007-05-12 20:07:18 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

2007-05-12 18:42:54 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist."

Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a Christian."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.

"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."

2007-05-12 18:40:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I slipped, ripped my pants from the butt and a book landed on my head? this really happened when i was doing my first communion classes.

2007-05-12 18:36:12 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-12 18:34:44 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-12 17:47:38 · 10 answers · asked by jobees 6

Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even.

2007-05-12 16:55:29 · 21 answers · asked by innvisible_shadow 3

2007-05-12 16:05:29 · 7 answers · asked by sanchezaudry 1

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
Fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge
Sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually
Decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to
Good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50".



The next day someone stole it.
Caution! . . . . . . . . . These people vote!






While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
Which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun
Waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has
For sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with
That stuff". . . . . . .She ALSO votes!





I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
Got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
Was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7
Days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to
End the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . . . . He ALSO votes!





My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
Overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the
Sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a
Convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car
Was moving". . . . . . . She ALSO votes!





My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut
Through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . . . . .
My sister ALSO votes!






My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
Discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.
The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . . .
He ALSO votes!




I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
Attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the
Chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's
Nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the
Head is turned. . . . . . . . . . . My friend ALSO votes!




I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to
The lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
Showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
Trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,
"has your plane arrived yet?". . . . . . . . . . SHE ALSO votes!






While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small
Pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would
Like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He though about it for some time before
Responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
Enough to eat 6 . . . . . . . . Yep, he votes too.

2007-05-12 15:56:40 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Hello, and God bless you all for taking the time out of your day to read my sincere question. I have a flight schedules with American Airlines in a few weeks, and I have an item that I would like to keep as a carry on item. Would the security people be upset by this question?

"It is the will of The Almighty Creator that I keep my Holy Blade of Righteousness with me at all times. This Blessed Dagger was given to me by my friend Akmed Mustafa al Gahrib, and it must be kept on my person at all times, lest I need to strike at the heart of the HEATHENOUS MINIONS OF SATAN!"

2007-05-12 15:45:13 · 18 answers · asked by Fat Bastard 2

2007-05-12 15:17:03 · 13 answers · asked by Jarod Kintz 2

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company.
One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now."

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.



Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.



But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

2007-05-12 15:15:50 · 16 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2007-05-12 14:52:59 · 15 answers · asked by MrTwister 3

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

2007-05-12 14:00:10 · 14 answers · asked by Al 3

A young lady was filling her tank at a petrol/gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs warned against it. Suddenly, the fumes that came out of the petrol/gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands and, catching her sleeve, the flames also set fire to her arm !!

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the junction/intersection where it happened and the officer took one look at her and her burning arm and…………..shot her.

The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When later questioned about his course of action, the officer said………….

"My only thought was to stop her………..After all………….she was waving a fire-arm."

2007-05-12 13:48:48 · 9 answers · asked by dteacher1uk 5

Believing the earth is 6000 yrs old despite dinosaur bones. Boop Boop injected with a poison

2007-05-12 13:26:56 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

that word is startling
if u take away the l it is starting
if u take away the t it is staring
if u take away the a it is string
if u take awat the r it is sting
if u take away the t it is sing
if u take away the g it is sin
if u take away the s it is in
if u take away the n it is i

2007-05-12 13:14:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I think it was a woman who said Diamonds is a girls best friend it was the same woman who said a mans best friend is a Dog maybe that why we go out whth B@#%&#s

2007-05-12 12:42:16 · 18 answers · asked by Rufus121 2

How much chuck would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

2007-05-12 11:53:34 · 14 answers · asked by Freebrum 3

A woman has 7 children, half of them are boys.
How can this be possible?

2007-05-12 10:22:54 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous