Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

Three little boys,were sitting chatting,when one little boy says,
"My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings."
So the second boy states,
" Well my Dad smokes to, and can blow it out of his eyes."
The third kid not to be outdone, by the other two, responds.
" My Dad can blow smoke out of his ***."
"Really have you seen that ?" ask the boys.
He replies,"Well No, but I've seen the nicotine stains on his pants..."

2007-05-11 12:07:53 · 3 answers · asked by raybbies 5

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
> >
> >
> >
> >"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
> >
> >procedure for 2 weeks.
> >
> >
> >
> >The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
> >
> >When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
> >nearly 60 POUNDS!
> >
> >
> >
> >"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
> >instructions?"
> >
> >The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, beJaysuz, I t'aut I
> >were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."
> >
> >
> >
> >"From hunger, you mean?"
> >
> >
> >
> >"No, from fo*kin' skippin' "the Irishman said.
> >
> >
> >

2007-05-11 11:37:24 · 20 answers · asked by Angela G 4

My sister wants to go for her birthday.

2007-05-11 11:04:27 · 8 answers · asked by miss_tiger2003 1

The short answer please. I had not realised that it has been asked before. Apologies if I have upset anyone

2007-05-11 10:58:54 · 34 answers · asked by cclarke36 2

A blonde and brunnette are going to jump off a bridge together which hit the water first


the brunette because the blonde had to ask for directions on the way down

2007-05-11 10:52:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Before the days of motor cars, a man rode into town on his horse. He arrived on Friday, spent three days in town and left on Friday. How is that possible?

Can a man legally marry his widow's sister in the state of California?

Big as a biscuit, deep as a cup,
Even a river can't fill it up.
What is it?

A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms: The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick?

How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?

How much dirt is in a hole 4 feet deep and 2 feet wide?

I have a head like a cat. I have feet like at cat. But I am not a cat. What am I?

Can a man legally marry his widow's sister ?

2007-05-11 10:44:01 · 19 answers · asked by *Quita_804* 3

30 white on a red hill, first they tramp, then they stamp,then they stand still

2007-05-11 09:07:36 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary.
However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad swear words embarrassed him very much.
As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,"That bad language must stop!"But the bird answered him with curses.
He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use those swear words!"
Again the bird cursed & swore at him.
Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect.
From inside the refrigerator,the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in bad language, dirty words and curses.
This time, the man opened the door of the freezer, threw the bird into it, and closed the door........

2007-05-11 08:25:25 · 22 answers · asked by pink.jazzz 3

2007-05-11 08:13:50 · 10 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

The items need to be light to post, not something which takes up a lot of time (like a book), but something pleasant or fun to recieve, and also not too expensive.
In the past I have sent funny cards, jokes, small packets of sweets, fun socks, plasticine etc. but I have now run out of ideas.
Has anyone got any suggestions?

2007-05-11 08:02:28 · 13 answers · asked by student 1

the old woman woke up one morning and looked over to her husban and told him," I'm dead", he looked over at the old woman and said, " no honey, your not dead",
she started to cry and all she could say is, " yes, lord yes, i'm dead and i like it",
the old man touched her and said, " if you was dead could you feel me touching your arm and back and all of you my sweet", she said, " thats not why i think i'm dead, i got up and cleaned the house and made coffee and took my bath and did my hair, and i don't hurt in any part of my body"
when the next moring came she started to fix the morning meal and the old man lloked at her and said,"honey, this is a wonderfull breakfast can we do this like we did 55 years ago", she said and how was that?
he said let's take our close off and eat our food in the nude"
she said okay, so off the close came she said, my it's hot in here, he look at her and told it's not you, one of your boobs is in the coffee!!!!

2007-05-11 07:57:28 · 8 answers · asked by DENISE 6

ugh

2007-05-11 07:48:48 · 11 answers · asked by s.s. coolio 2

A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The vet looks at the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examining room. In the examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything.
The doctor say "Your dog is dead."

The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill.

"That'll be £325" says the receptionist.

"What! £325? How's that possible?"

"It's £25 for the consultation, and £300 for the Cat scan."



Please star it if you find it funny
Thanks

2007-05-11 07:44:27 · 36 answers · asked by pink.jazzz 3

2007-05-11 07:43:01 · 1 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

A; a crow with a sub-machine-gun.

2007-05-11 07:30:17 · 29 answers · asked by Albinoballs 5

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that at we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

2007-05-11 06:44:42 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A son asks his dad the difference between "Theoretically" and "Realistically".

Dad says thats hard, but i have an idea.

Ask mum if she would sleep with the milkman for £1 million, Mum says yes.

Dads says now ask your sister if she would sleep with the mailman for £2 million, Sister says yes.

Well there you go son, thats your answer.

Theoretically we're sitting on £3 million, but realistically we're living with 2 slags!!

2007-05-11 06:22:18 · 36 answers · asked by ღ♥ஐYVONNEஐ♥ღ 2

Friendship Between Women:
~A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:
~A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

2007-05-11 05:34:04 · 14 answers · asked by Cassie 1

Please someone help me with this, it's been bugging me!!

2007-05-11 05:16:00 · 14 answers · asked by nicola s 1

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fangless, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating
pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only
drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:
TORNIQUET: Do not apply a torniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

2007-05-11 03:54:08 · 8 answers · asked by Harp 2

I am a blonde, but I LOVE dumb blonde jokes. Please feed my addiction. Who ever has the best wins 10 pionts! Please keep them clean though!

2007-05-11 03:48:52 · 21 answers · asked by The Boredest One 1

2007-05-11 03:18:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man is in hospital with severe burns on his legs the doc examins him and tells the the nurse to give him two viagra
do u think that will help says the nurse
no replies the doc but it will keep the sheets off his legs

2007-05-11 01:50:35 · 22 answers · asked by Georgie's Bro 2

An elderly couple are sat in pub celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The man leans over and whispers in the woman's ear,
'Remember the first time we made love all those years ago? It was on the fence behind this very pub...shall we do it once more?'
The woman giggles and agrees, so they finish their drinks and head off to the old fence at the back of pub. A drunk at the bar overhears them and follows them, hiding behind a tree to watch as they hurriedly undress and begin to make love against the fence.
Suddenly they burst in to action with the vigour of teenagers, having wild, frenzied sex that would put a hardcore porn film to shame. After a minute or so they finish, and the woman collapses in an exhausted heap. The man staggers back, breathing hard, and hitches up his trousers.
The drunk emerges as the old man mops his brow and says,
'I couldn't help overhearing your conversation and came out to watch- how on earth do you manage sex that wild when you're so old?'

2007-05-11 01:38:06 · 23 answers · asked by Nelson 1

I will give a clue don`t be left in the dark , a symbol the clue the end is the start

2007-05-11 01:28:42 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-10 23:07:05 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

BMTC- Bangalore Metro Transp Corp, Karnataka, India

2007-05-10 22:53:54 · 10 answers · asked by Beena V 1

"Help.... The Titanic is going to be drowned...." Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God...
Just then a Italian asks the nearby Sardarji in the ship.
Italian : How far is land, from here ? Sardarji : Two miles .
Italian : Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more.
The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up
To the layer to ask something again. Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles from here ? Sardarji : Downwards...
......
LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER' S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!
-----

2007-05-10 22:30:54 · 8 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbours who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

2007-05-10 22:01:56 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.

2007-05-10 21:56:50 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous