Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

I was on this site tapping away and a friend of mine who was looking over my shoulder said. (Who is that Robert Abuse that keeps popping up?) I couln'nt stop laughing for ages..

2007-05-10 04:07:08 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Aussie Joke

from black fella to white fella.
Dear White fella,
Coupla tings u orta no.
Firstly
Wen i am born, i’m black
Wen i grow up, I’m black
wen i get sick, I’m Black
wen i go out in a sun, I’m black
wen I’m cold, I’m Black
And wen i get scared, yes, i’m black
and wen i die, i’m still black.

but u white fella.
wen u born, u pink
wen u grow up, u white
wen u get sick, u green
wen u go out in a sun, u go red
wen u get cold, u go blue
wen u get scared, u go yella
and wen u die, u go purple

And u got the cheek to call me coloured!



Normal Jokes now

Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.


3 Tampons are walking down the street, theirs Maxi, Slim and Ultra, which on says “Hello”

None- They’re All stuck up C**nts

2007-05-10 03:07:31 · 9 answers · asked by xXx_AimZ_xXx 2

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"

"A horsey," one child answers

"And this?" the teacher asks

"A piggy." replies another youngster.

"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence.

"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint: What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"

"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny b@$t@rd!"

2007-05-10 02:27:51 · 16 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

Jack and Josephine met each other while residents at the local nursing home. They fell in love even though she had a bad heart and he was hard of hearing. They decided to get married and the other residents pitched in to buy them a night in the local hotel.

While Josephine was sitting on the side of the bed taking her bra off she said to Jack, "Now Jack, I do have acute angina."
Jack turns to her and says, "Well , I don't know about that but those are the ugliest damn ****(breasts) I have ever seen."

2007-05-10 02:11:11 · 5 answers · asked by Moose 5

Is a joke that I heard in a show:

Back in the 1800 a boat was sailing until one of the sailors go to the captain and said:
"Captain there's an enemy ship on the horizon."
The captain said to his partner: "Bring me my red shirt."
His partner confused bring his red shirt and the battle begin, at the end they win the battle and the captain didn't lose one sailor. His alerted sailor tells him:
"Can I ask you something?, Before the battle you ask for a red shirt. Why a red shirt?"
The captain respond:
"Because if I happen to be shot and bleeding, with my red shirt nobody will not notice the blood and they will continue to fight on."
"Wonderful idea, captain" said the sailor.

On the next day the same sailor goes to the captain desperate and screams:
"20 enemies ships on the horizon!"
The captain respond: "Bring me my brown pants!"

Give me a star if its funny. xD

2007-05-10 02:04:24 · 11 answers · asked by . 5

you tell her a joke on monday

Star if you think its funny!

2007-05-10 01:42:09 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly couple was attending church services-- about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart-what do you think I should do?"

He replies, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

2007-05-10 01:39:08 · 12 answers · asked by nothing 5

Ok, there was this blonde, and she desided one day to go ride a horse although she had not ever been on one before. Walking up bravely to the horse, she mounted him, and he begain to take off. Everything was ok untill the horse started to go faster and she could not hold on any more. She tried to grasp his main, but could not get a hold on him, and finally ended up making a mad jump to try and free herself from the horse, but during the jump her foot got caught in the stirrup and she was trapped there , with her head hitting the ground over and over again screaming at the top of her lungs for help. The poor blonde was just on the virge of loosing concioness when a walmart worker walked over and turned off the horse.

2007-05-10 01:37:07 · 2 answers · asked by wingedstrider 3

Is it true that King Arthur died of shame when he heard his sons were revolting?

2007-05-10 00:23:36 · 4 answers · asked by LONE WOLF 1

2007-05-09 23:12:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Tommy was in class and the teacher was asking what their fathers did for a living. Eventually she got to Tommy.

“My dad works in the local whore house.”

“Now Tommy we know he doesn’t. Where does he really work?”

“He sells “The Big Issue” on a street corner somewhere.”

“Tommy I won’t tell you again. What does he do?”

“Ok…. he plays centre forward for Newcastle United……but I was too ashamed to tell anyone.”

2007-05-09 21:37:14 · 11 answers · asked by GenetteS 3

A word of one syllable, take away two letters and leave a word with two syllables

2007-05-09 18:09:01 · 5 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

What is the question? This is really annoying me

2007-05-09 17:57:18 · 6 answers · asked by NOTW<>< 1

Why lime backwards?

Figure out the answer to this question/riddle.
(created randomly by me)
First person to guess correctly gets 10 points

2007-05-09 16:03:20 · 10 answers · asked by Em 4

Crowded In Heaven

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you
had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would
go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the
man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going
when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on
my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was
half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his
fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

2007-05-09 15:16:08 · 14 answers · asked by Bao Pham 3

im thinking of a word that starts with f and ends with uck

2007-05-09 14:49:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-09 14:38:22 · 4 answers · asked by tanlaask 3

tell me some hollarious jokes please!!

2007-05-09 13:03:12 · 16 answers · asked by Garrett H 2

A man goes to see his doctor and asks him to
prescribe the strongest dose of Viagra he
allowed. The doctor asks why he needs such a
strong dose? The man explains that he has a
couple of young nymphomaniacs coming over and
he needs the Viagra to keep up with them.
The doctor quickly agrees and off he goes.

A few days later the man the man returns to the
doctor and this time asks the doctor to prescribe
him the most powerful pain reliever that he can.

The doctor asks, "Why do you need such a strong
pain reliever, is your penis really sore?"

"No," the man replies. "I need it for my wrists,
the two girls never showed up."

2007-05-09 12:13:40 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

They are both fun to ride until your friends see you!

2007-05-09 10:12:21 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny and his father were walking down the street one day, and two ladies bumped into one another in front of them.
The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. "You *****," yelled the one lady.
Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, "You bag."
Little Johnny, never heard those words before, turns to his dad. "Dad, what are bags and b!ches?"
"Oh, that's just another name for women," replied his dad.
"Oh, okay," said Johnny.
The two make it home and Little Johnny follows his dad up to the washroom to watch his daddy shave.
While shaving, Little Johnny's dad cuts himself. "Oh sh!t," he said.
"Daddy, what's sh!t?" asked Little Johnny.
"Oh, that's just another name for shaving your self," replied his father.
Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his mother cooking a turkey. As his mother reached into the oven, she burnt her hand. "****!" she yells.
"Mom, what's f***?" questionned Johnny.
"That's just another word for cooking the turkey."
"Oh, I get it," said Johnny.
All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. "I'll get it!" yells Johnny as he runs to the door. He then opened the door to find a group of old ladies standing outside.
"Hello young man. Are you parents home?" asked the front lady.
"Hello bags and b!tches. My dad's upstairs sh!tting himself and my mom's downstairs f****** the turkey."

2007-05-09 09:57:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, “I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he's made enough that he just gave away a huge portfolio.” The next guy said, “I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.” The third guy says, “I'm so proud of my son. He's got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.”
Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, “What are you guys talking about?'
“Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied. “Well, my son is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “He's a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.”

2007-05-09 09:31:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
'Say, mum, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?
She tells him, 'Because he was conceived during a mighthy storm.'
Then he asks, 'Why is my sister named Cornflower?
His mother replies, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
'And why is my other sister called Moonchild?'
The mother says, 'We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.' She pauses and asks her son in return,
'Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you suddenly so curious?"

2007-05-09 08:20:25 · 21 answers · asked by Vico 4

2007-05-09 07:53:24 · 14 answers · asked by Lyss C 1

follow the yellow brick road?

2007-05-09 07:45:45 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

..

..

..

..



You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

..

..

..

..





"Defrost the chicken."

2007-05-09 07:44:54 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is walking through a hotel lobby when he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him. As he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221". If you think this is good, please give me a thumps up or a star. tks

2007-05-09 07:16:48 · 10 answers · asked by Vico 4

I can be cool, but I can't be cold,
I can be sorry, but I can't be guilty,
I can be spooked, but I can't be scared,
I can be sweet, but I can't be friendly,
I can be flammable, but I can't be burned.
What am I?

2007-05-09 06:20:14 · 21 answers · asked by kangaroo 4

a blonde lady is pulled over 4 speeding the cop who is also blonde and female askes 4 her driving licence , she is looking through her bag 4 what seemed like ages when she said to the cop i cant find it what does it look like the cop replied well it will have ur picture on it . a-ha says the blonde here it is handing the cop her make up mirror the cop looked at it and said oh im so sorry i didnt realise you were a police officer have a nice day

2007-05-09 06:16:02 · 29 answers · asked by Georgie's Bro 2

Funnest answer wins!

2007-05-09 06:11:18 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous