im unbeleivably bored...whoever can make me lauph hardest gets 10 points!?

Question

jokes of any sort plz......anything to make me lauph

Answer 1

i can tell....

Answer 2

one day a blonde was driving really close to the man in front of her. the man got road rage and stopped his car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the ground. He then told her that she better not move out of the circle. He took his keys and keyed the blondes car. The blonde started giggling. Angrily, the man took a bat and dented the blondes car, the blonde started giggling louder. The man in rage then took the bat and broke all of the blondes car windows. The blonde is now laughing hysterically. Finally, the man asks whats so funny? So the blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking i jumped out of the circle three times."

Answer 3

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."

As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

Answer 4

I'll just give you some things I hate:
i hate when people sing songs they don't know the words too
i hate when people ask to borrow a piece of paper when they aren't going to give it back
I hate when people point at their watch when they ask you what time it is
i hate when nerds roll around roley backpacks

Answer 5

This Arabian prince is out in the desert and comes across a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie comes out. The genie says
"Master you can have one wish and I will grant it for you."
The prince thinks for a bit and says,
"I want the genitals of a horse so I can be the most famous man in all the land."
The genie waves a little magic dust around and says,
"Your wish is my command".
Anyhoo the prince rides back to his tent and rushes in to see his wife, (the princess) he drops his baggy pants and says look beloved, look what Ive got. And his wife says.
"Thats nice dear, it sure is huge.......thats got to be the biggest horses p.u.s.s.y Ive ever seen!!!!

Answer 6

3 ducks walk into a bar. the bartender asks the first duck, "Whats your name?" the duck replies. "i'm hewie" "how was your day?" the bartender asks. "well pretty good been in and out of puddles what more could a duck want." the bartender the walks to the second duck and asks the same questions. the duck replies "i'm louie and ya know i've had a pretty good day been in and out of puddles what more could a duck want." bartender walks up to the third duck he says "you must be dewie" the duck says "no, i'm puddles"

Answer 7

Okay. I
ll start my future as a stand up comedian right here. thanks for givin my this opportunity(sp?) Ok. The jokes.
What do you when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull out the pin and throw it back.
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I walk into a Shell station and ask for ten dollars worth of gas, the clerk farts and gives me a receit.
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What do you do with a drunken sailor?
Put him in charge of the exon (sp?) tanker.
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Ever sing songs with the wrong words?
Here's the beach boys song you'll probably know:
"ever since she put me down there've been owls puking in my bed."
I don't really know the real words. Like i said, i'm singing the song with the wrong words!
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Docter Docter!!
What did the xray of my head show?
The doc: absolutely nothing!!!
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you know? You go to the doc's offfice after waiting three months to get the appointment, then he says, "i wish you had seen me sooner." Isn't that awful?
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My docter:
He is very good, if you tell him you want a second opinion, he walks out and comes in again!
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice before realizing she was chinese!
Another time he gave a patient six months to live, and when the patient didn't pay his bills at the end of the six months, the docter gave him another six months.
I told my docter i broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
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You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. oops
You haven't played solitare with real cards in years. Wow
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. hmmm.
you email the person who works at the desk next to you. Yeeeikes.
Your reason for not keeping in touch with your relatives is that they don't have email. O_O
You pull up in YOUR OWN driveway and call YOUR OWN house to see if anyone's home to help you bring in the groceries. O_O
Every commercial has a website on the bottom of the screen. o_O
you get up and go online before getting coffee. o_O
you start tilting your head to smile. phbbtt
You are reading this a laughing. ^_^
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hope these are funny. Cus i'm laughing.
HAHAHAHA.
See? i'm laughing. LOL

Answer 8

here are some I think are funny
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

14 men and 1 woman ended up in Iraqi waters; guess who was reading the map


"All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital."

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
Give her a shovel.

A man working in an office was in love with a lady.but he knew that the lady had a boyfriend.one day, he asked the lady.
'can i sex u for 100 dollars?'
the lady said 'no way.'
'i won't take time. i will throw the money on the ground nd will sex with u till u pick up the money.'
the lady agreed.the day they were sexing the lady's boyfriend waited at the door.after about an hour,the lady came out.the boyfriend asked.
'why did u take so long?'
'oh love,i had to.he sexed me so nicely.and just because he threw the money in coins

fifteen year old walks up to his friend, and tells him he has as relationship problem. "Ya see, there's this girl at swimming, she's real cute. I always get erections when I look at her. And you know what it looks like to have one in a bathing suit..." His friend tells him to tape his dick to his leg. The next day, he goes up to the girl and kicks her into the pool, tragically ending their relationship.

After you've dated someone, it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch

I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:


A Litre of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A Litre of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A can of coffee,
And one pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly. "


A housewife wakes up late one night to what sounds like shattering glass in her living room below. Taking the utmost precaution, she puts on her nightgown, and tip-toes downstairs. She sees her husband sitting on his recliner with all the fine drinking glasses and two half full bottles of liquor next to him. Across the room there is a mountain of shattered glass. The husband pours a fresh glass, quickly drinks it, and throws it across the room with a loud CRACK! adding to the glass pile. "Whats the matter, honey?" the wife asks.
"I don't wanna talk about it," the husband replies.
The wife says, "Dear, you can talk to me about anything you know that."
"Well, you know when your dad caught us having sex the night you lost your virginity?"
"Yes?" she says.
"And he told me I could either marry you or spend 20 years in jail."
"Yeah. So?"
"I would've gotten out today."

Answer 9

There was a black man, white man, and a chinese man. They all died and went to hell for being male whores. So, the devil told him for their punishment he was going to grab there penis's until the melted away. He grabbed the white mans it melted away, he grabbbed the chinese mans it melted away, he grabbed the black mans, but for some reason it would not melt away. This made the devil very mad. He said "why won't your penis melt!" The black man looked at him and said........................ Because chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hands!

Answer 10

my friend had noodles come out ner noes like a drink

Answer 11

What position produces the ugliest children?.........Ask your Mom!