can you make me laugh?

Question

i will give 10 points to the person that can make me laugh! tell me a joke!!

Answer 1

Not a joke, but a true story...

So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died.
Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom. Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick, LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done. Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood. We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cats behind or the hundredth. And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

Answer 2

Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!
Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriendto her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pantsand all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand

why they were killing each other over 25 cents

"Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback!

Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!











Amazing Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. About lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES.......... THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT..... THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS

Answer 3

heres a few mitch hedberg lines

do you think that the guy who invented the bong had a black light pop over his head?

i love the fedex driver, because he's a drug dealer, and he doesnt even know it!

my fake plants died because i did not pretend to water them

i love escalators, because they can never break, they can only become stairs

they can take sesame seeds out of the market, and wouldnt even care, i can't picture myself 5 years from now going, "Dang dude, remember sesame seeds? what happed? All the buns are blank!" they'd have to change that mcdonalds song, 2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce cheese, pickles, onions on a.............bun. what do sesame seeds grow into? what the F*ck is a SESAME! its a street! its a word u use to open sh*t...

Answer 4

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the possum it could be done.

Waiter, this apple pie taste like glue!
Waiter: Oh! That must be your peach pie. Our apple pie taste like plaster.

Waiter, there is a footprint on my lunch!
Waiter: I know sir, you told me to step on it.

Waiter, where should we sit to b served quickly?
Waiter: How about the restaurant next door.

Waiter, I don't see any chocolate cake on this menu.
Waiter: No, I wiped it off.

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Shh! You'll have to be quiet or everyone will want one.

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Don't worry sir, that spider on your bread will get it.

Waiter, you aren't fir to serve a pig!
Waiter: I'm doing my best sir!

(How was that?)

Answer 5

person 1: you know what would look good on you?
person 2: what?
person 1: me.

person 1: are you tired?
person 2: no, why?
person 1: because you've been runnin in my mind all day.

why can't bald people swim in a jacuzzi with other bald people?
because they'd look like squidballs.

why can't bald people wear hairnets?
because they'd look like microphones.

Three boys were bragging about their fathers. "I have the most famous father," the first boy said. "He is the town engineer." The second boy was not to be outsmarted. "Your father reports to my father. My father is the town mayor," he said. The third boy stood up and said: "Both of your fathers kneel before my father. He is the Parish priest."

Learn Chinese in a flash!

in english:
That's not right

in chinese:
sum ting wong

in english
did you go to the beach?

in chinese
wai yu so tan?

in english
he's cleaning his automobile

in chinese:
wa shing ka

in english:
small horse

in chinese:
tai ni po ni

_________

guy1: it's my wife's birthday and i asked her what she wanted.
guy2: what did she want?
guy1: anything, as long as it is a diamond. so i gave her a diamond.
guy2: whoa! you must be really rich man!
guy1: of course i'm not!
guy2: but you gave her a diamond.
guy1: yeah. i gave her a card. queen of diamonds.

Answer 6

A humorous one and that i supply you a celeb. this is a humorous(!!) ghosts chat. 2 ghosts met and the two chat approximately how they died. 1st ghost : How u died? 2d ghost : I died of chilly. 1st ghost : How does it sense once you're loss of life in chilly? 2d ghost : honestly, i became into by risk locked interior the refrigerator. initially, i became into shivering, then my entire physique began to freeze, later I felt the full international became into dark and that i died suffocating. 1st ghost : Wow what a terrible thank you to die.... 2d ghost : How approximately you? How u die? 1st ghost : I died from heart attack. 2d ghost : I see, why did u have a heart attack? 1st ghost : honestly, i found out that my spouse is having an affair with yet another guy. at some point, as quickly as I got here returned from artwork, observed a pair of guy shoes outdoors my living house. Then, i found out that the guy became into in my living house with my spouse. as quickly as I rushed into the mattress room, my spouse became into on my own. i could locate the place that bastard is hiding. So I searched the lavatory, I ran downstairs, regarded interior the storeroom, however the bastard became into not there. So, I ran upstairs and searched the cloth wardrobe, yet i found not something. because of the fact of all that working,I have been given a heart attack and died. 2d ghost : Why you under no circumstances seem for the bastard interior the refrigerator? The bastard became into hiding there. We the two could be alive now!!

Answer 7

1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!


**Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

**Men are like......

.....placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

.....mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

.....bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

.....government bonds
they take so long to mature.

.....copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

.....lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

.....bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

.....high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

.....curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

.....mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

.....handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

Good comebacks:::

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

Answer 8

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Looking stunned, he said, "What?"

Answer 9

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.

Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a Coke." (Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.)

"No problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it. The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said "That looks good. Think I'll have one too."

Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it. The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.




"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples ....this hatred... your spitting in my shoes and me peeing in your Coke?"








one more

Newly married couple on their wedding night. After a meal, they go up to bed. Not long after, the man.........
comes down with his fishing tackle. Out he goes and returns as the sun is coming up. 'Odd', thinks the hotel porter and forgets it. The following night, after dinner, the man goes out again with his fishing tackle and is gone all night. This happens every night for a week. Finally, the porter can not keep his silence any longer. That night, as the man is going out, the porter calls him over. 'Excuse me mate', he says, 'but you're on your honeymoon. You're supposed to up there, in bed with your new wife, banging away like it's going out of fashion'. 'Can't do that', says the man, 'she's got gonorrhoea'. 'Oh, bloody hell', says the porter, 'how about sticking it up her rear end then?' 'Can't do that', says the man, 'she's got diarrhea'. 'Oh bloody hell', says the porter, 'well how about sticking it in her mouth then?' 'Can't do that, she's got pyorrhea', says the man. 'Why the hell did you marry her then?' asks the porter. 'Great source of maggots mate' says the man.

Answer 10

how dya make a snooker table laugh? put your hand in its pockets and tickle its balls.