He said, "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it." She said, "You wear pants don't you?"
He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?" She said, "That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa."
He said, "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?" She said, "Turn sideways and look in the mirror!"
On a wall in a ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it: " I do not."
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
2007-05-03 20:35:38 · 19 answers · asked by clara 5 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
10/10 really really good laugh!
Here are some of my favourites for you as a thank you:
Reasons it's good to be a Man!
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
When clicking through TV channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
Your **** is never a factor in a job interview.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can be President.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
Same work... more pay.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties beat the **** over bridal showers.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
There is always a game on somewhere.
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: 'So... notice anything different?'
........ Baywatch!
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
All your orgasms are real.
***
GIFTS FOR MEN
Here are some gift ideas for those special men in your life!
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for
women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not
matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he
has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many
cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything
with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two
words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-
way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one
knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for
his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or
something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for
their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never
buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear
bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones
they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a
big- screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him
go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you
do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink
whiskey or beer.
Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-
shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless
drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely
everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink."
You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly
required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will
always have parts left over.
Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron
Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and
Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers
are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't
know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need.
Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow!
Thanks.")
Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but
they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound
propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The
challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12: Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However,
he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th
Century Quilts." everyone knows why.
Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a
chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and
what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an
aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder.
It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy
origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a
hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
2007-05-04 04:25:05 · answer #1 · answered by helene m 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi Clara, You did a good job and pin pointed very thing right.. I agree with every thing your type. One thing i would add. Q. Why GOD do women kick us out of the bed?
God says because we are men what else!!! LOL LOL.. I really like your GOD Joke.. I had a very good laugh.. I high 5 you.. LOL..
A Friend.
Clowmy
2007-05-03 21:00:51 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh MY God! Outrageously Funny…Hey! My tummy is paining laughing at these. Oh Clara! A star for you! WOW! WOW! WOW! A warm Hug too!!!
2007-05-04 00:16:30 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you woman with your men are dumb you make some men dumb and control them b/c you are all puppetears i am very smart and she did not mention her dress size at all she just said 8 again she shouldent be so dam worried about how fat shes getting b/c she has a man that seems to be whipped although he might care for her and love her still who is she lookign good for huh...yeah prolly the friggin plumber...ahhhhhhhhh...why meeeee!!!!!!!!!
2016-04-01 07:55:07 · answer #4 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi Clara, lol
Love 'em all.Best collection I've seen
for a long time!
2007-05-03 20:50:30 · answer #5 · answered by Vincent A 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
LOL - love dem all, some old, some new.
Out with the girls this weekend and will be telling a few of those.........thanks.
Still LOL
2007-05-03 22:11:45 · answer #6 · answered by Toogsie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
brilliant lmao 10/10
2007-05-03 20:43:26 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
hehe thanx for the laugh. I'm off on a long journey in a while, and you have made me smile :-)
2007-05-03 20:40:13 · answer #8 · answered by val f1 nutter 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
LOL!!!!
It makes a change from Blonde jokes...
2007-05-03 20:40:00 · answer #9 · answered by Clint 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
best goddamn jokes ive seen for a bit. gave me a smile
2007-05-03 20:56:40 · answer #10 · answered by frosty 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋