Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

2007-05-27 14:33:11 · 10 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

husband comes downstairs, white as a sheet, and says, "You're right, dear. I did crap my guts out...but I gut them all put back---it wasn't easy..."

2007-05-27 14:19:34 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,
'Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
figure out how to get it started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed
to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture
on the box, it's a tiger.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help
with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows
him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then
looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
'First of all, no matter what we do, we're
not going to be able to assemble these pieces
into anything resembling a tiger.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I
want you to relax.

Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....'

He sighed..............'Let's put all the
Frosted Flakes back in the box..'



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

2007-05-27 14:19:26 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Every morning it was the same thing.

The wife was the victim. The husband---blissfully content. he would wake up and stretch, and then he would cut loose. the wife protested in vain, and sometimes would tell him, "someday you'll crap your guts out..." and the husband would just grin. ""Feels good," he'd chortle.

He wasn't such a bad guy, but this was not a satisfactory way for his wife to start the day. Eventually she just set a small alarm so that she'd wake up a half hour or so before he did, and thus avoid the whole experience. but even then, she'd hear the inevitable yawn, the blast of gas, and her husband's grunt of satisfaction.

thanksgiving Day she was cleaning a turkey, and with a handful of giblets, she had an inspiration. She crept into her room, put the giblets in her husband's drawers, and snuck downstairs.

Then she heard the inevitable morning sounds, then a shout. "OHMIGOD" and then silence.

her husband came downstairs white as a sheet.

2007-05-27 14:16:37 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

2007-05-27 13:57:27 · 23 answers · asked by Katie S 2

Kid comes home from school and his mom sees that he is troubled somehow and asks about it and the kid says
-The other kids keep calling me Rambo and I don't like it at all.
The mom says
-I'll go and talk to your teacher about it, maybe she can help stop this.
-Thanks mom, but I must fight them myself.

2007-05-27 13:49:25 · 4 answers · asked by amateurgrower 3

Lil Jynx: today is the worst day ever!
Lil jynx's friend: why. Lil jynx?
Lil Jynx: because i broke my dad's favorite lamp, i stole my brother's toys, i screamed at my mom, I wasted a lot of money on my dad's credit card, and i forgot to take a bath this morning.
Jynx's friend: whoa, thats a lot.
Lil Jynx: yeah, but now my parents are punishing me and i dont know which of the things i did i was punished for!



joke 2:

Amy: i wanna go to the mall and buy a lot of stuff!
Dad; sorry, but if u want money, u will have to earn it
Amy: no dad! i want U to give me the money!!
Dad: sorry honey! you have to work for it
Amy: fine, but i wont work. i will stay home all day.

Several weeks later, Amy drives her dad crazy by bothering him while watching cartoons, eating his food, and making noises.

Dad; OK!! AMY, GET THE HELL OUTTA MY HOUSE, HERE'S SOME MONEY!!

2007-05-27 13:46:54 · 5 answers · asked by Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Lisamaria. 3

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."

2007-05-27 13:34:27 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

During the cold war, an American & a Russian were discussing freedom in their respective countries.
"We in America enjoy the real freedom!", said the American, "I can stand in front of the White House, and shout that President Reagan is a fool, and nothing will happen to me!".
"No, big deal" replied the Russian "I can stand in front of the Kremlin, and shout that President Reagan is a fool, and nothing will happen to me either!"

2007-05-27 13:29:47 · 7 answers · asked by Sh00nya 4

Little Johnny goes into the house crying.His mother asks:
-What happened, why are you crying?
-Dad, accidentally hit his thumb with the hammer-he says sobbing
-But that's no reason for you to cry like that.
-Well, I did find it funny at first also...

2007-05-27 13:26:54 · 8 answers · asked by amateurgrower 3

Ok..i dont know if this is a good one. i just made it up:

So, this guy is copying his hands a lot of times. Until finally the copier brakes. Then, he is so frustrated that he calls the engenieer and says "hello! i have a big problem with the copier, its jammed; doesnt work!! help!" so the engenieer says "ok, son. dont worry. i will go as soon as i can."

when the engenieer goes to the house and checks the copier, he asks, "Son...didn't you wash your hands before you ate? look at this mess!"

2007-05-27 13:18:52 · 8 answers · asked by Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Lisamaria. 3

1) New York City has 11 letters
2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.
3) Ramsin Yuseb (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers
in 1993) has 11 letters.
4) George W Bush has 11 letters.
This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:
1) New York is the 11th state.
2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11.
3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11
4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers , was carrying 65 passengers. 6+5 = 11
5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known. 9 + 1+ 1 = 11
6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number 911. 9 + 1 + 1 = 11
Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind:
1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254. 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.
2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year. Again, 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.
3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 = 11.
4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.

Now this is where things get totally eerie:
The most recognized symbol for the US , after the Stars & Stripes, is the
Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Quran, the Islamic holy book:
"For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The
wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah while some
of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of
the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace."
That verse is number 9.11 of the Quran.


Try this and see how you feel afterwards. It's startling.

Open Microsoft Word (or Word Perfect) and do the following:
1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first plane
to hit one of the Twin Towers .
2. Highlight the Q33 NY.
3. Change the font size to 48.
4. Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS
What do you think now?!!

2007-05-27 13:10:15 · 25 answers · asked by NBA_IZ_FBI 1

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

2007-05-27 12:59:55 · 13 answers · asked by mysweetest666 1

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. She's not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet during their meetings.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's Lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab! Your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
the father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the Little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again."

2007-05-27 12:49:31 · 24 answers · asked by shygirl78 4

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

2007-05-27 12:40:03 · 10 answers · asked by T-Mart 3

Dad....

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't re

2007-05-27 12:33:21 · 16 answers · asked by T-Mart 3

A little boy walks onto a bus and sits right behind the driver, and started yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mam was a cow, i'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the boy who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mam a girl elephant i'd be a little elephant."

The boy goes on and on with different animals, the driver gets really p*ssed off and yells at the boy.

"What if your dad was a drunk and your mam a prostitute?"

The boy smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

2007-05-27 11:49:20 · 18 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

I think it was one of the funniest things I have seen all year.Although the actual fact of him eating a sloppy burger on the floor is very sad.
The puppet version is hilarious though.

2007-05-27 11:12:04 · 1 answers · asked by jennifer484 5

lol

2007-05-27 11:00:18 · 11 answers · asked by elbart007 2

1)Blonde proudly tells everyone
"My father has a new car"
"where is it?"
"In the Garage. Father changed the numbers and painted it all night."

2)What do you do when a blonde throws a granade?
pull the pin, and throw it back.

3) How do you make a blonde go crazy?
Give her a pack of M&Ms,and put them in albhetically

2007-05-27 10:48:00 · 38 answers · asked by NYC-BIGCAT 5

please star if you think this is funny.

So there is a husband and a wife and the wife is having a baby. The doctors at the hospital figured out a way for the wife to transfer some of the pain when she gives birth to the husband. The husband agrees and when the wife is giving birth they turn the pain transef machine to 10%. The husband admits he doesnt feel pain. They turn it to 50%. The husband still feels nothing. They finally turn it to 100% and the husband feels absolutely nothing. Later that day when the family gets home they find the mailman dead on their front step.

2007-05-27 10:43:58 · 20 answers · asked by ....... 3

YES I WANT TO NO WHO ARE THEY, THOSE WHOOM NO IT ALL OR SAY IT TELLS IT , LIKE THEY ALL SAY THEY NO U NO I DON,T NO WHO R THEY ??????:(AND DON,T TELL ME WELL UNO THEY TOLD ME TOO .

2007-05-27 10:37:32 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 points to 1st correct answer.

2007-05-27 10:36:02 · 5 answers · asked by cleocat 5

There was this lady who died and went to heaven, Saint Peter was at the door and told her "To come in here in Heaven you must spell a word I'll give you" She thougth "I hope won't be a hard one." Saint Peter know her thougth and said 'Spell love" She went l-o-v-e, Peter said "Good, welcome to heaven." Some time later Peter went in a trip and left her in charge of the door saying "Remember, no spell, no entrance." "OK" she said. Later on she saw her husband approching to the door. He was surprised of curse and asked her "What should I do to get into Heaven." She said "Just spell the word I'll tell you to." He said "OK, remember I wasn't good at it alive and how much I loved you back to Earth." She said "Sure I remember how you were back then and your love for me. Ready, your word is othorinolaringologist." "POOF."

2007-05-27 10:27:05 · 8 answers · asked by Javy 7

me either they just don't have any zing...

2007-05-27 10:24:56 · 19 answers · asked by SweetieGoat 4

two guys are walking down the street, and they see a dog up on a porch licking himself. One guy says to the other..."Boy I wish I could do that...I'd never have to leave the house..."

the second guy says, "Well, maybe you had better pet him first..."

2007-05-27 10:04:34 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

one day the first grade teacher was reading the story of chicken little to her class, she came to the part of the story where chicken little tryed to warn the farmer. she read,"... and so chicken little went up to the farmer and said,"the sky is falling, the sky is falling!" the teacher paused then asked the class" and what do u think that farmer said?" one little girl raised her hand and said " he probably said:'holy **** a talking chicken" the teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes!

2007-05-27 09:47:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

because they can drink streight from the toilet bowl

2007-05-27 09:45:38 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do u do with 365 used condoms? melt them down, make a tyre and call it a goodyear! boom boom!

2007-05-27 09:36:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

one sperm says to the other,"how far is it to the ovaries?" the other one says,"relax. we're only just passed the tonsils."

2007-05-27 09:34:19 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous