Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

my5 year old grandson asked me WHERE DOES POOH COME FROM not being very good at answering these type of question i said WELL YOU KNOW YOU HAVE JUST HAD DINNER THE FOOD GOES IN YOUR BELLY AND YOUR BELLY SORTS IT OUT.IT KEEPS THE GOOD BITS OF THE FOOD AND THROWS OUT THE BAD BITS AND THEY COME OUT OF YOUR BUM INTO THE TOILET.he looked at me puzzled and then said WELL WHAT ABOUT TIGGER.

2007-05-30 08:23:57 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

rich people dont want it, but poor people have it.
if you eat it, you die.
its more evil than the devil.
what is it?

2007-05-30 08:20:50 · 22 answers · asked by aleena_ 1

This is a true story:

My brother's friend has ferrets, and she was walking them one day. An elderly man said, "What are those?" and she said "Ferrets." He acted so surprised and exclaimed, "No way! those are parrots!?" So she says, "No, Ferrets! You know, like weasels!" And he said, "Those are EAGLES???!"

2007-05-30 08:02:48 · 5 answers · asked by Heron By The Sea 7

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a 50

pence piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the
face,the dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts
panicking and shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the
commotion,she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from

her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more
firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up

the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing
the boy, the woman hands the money to the father and walks back to
her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he's sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking
her;saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it

was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue!"

2007-05-30 07:47:03 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make
you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex
freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband,
after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them
on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in
his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of
an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a
table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm
hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming,

"You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!"

2007-05-30 07:14:44 · 10 answers · asked by Reese Cup 3

half a loaf of bread?.......


The other half!

2007-05-30 06:55:17 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-30 06:49:11 · 6 answers · asked by John S 1

Wait for it...
THE LIVING ROOM!


Star it if you find it funny xx

2007-05-30 06:44:52 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor." I really am. I don't know what came over me! On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now...what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Ed replied

2007-05-30 06:38:11 · 65 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here we are in the classroom; Teacher says, "All right, class, today we're going to use the word definitely in a sentence. Billy?" Billy says, "Umm...the sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "No, Billy. Sometimes it's night, and the sky is black, or it's overcast and the sky is gray. The sky's not definitely blue. Beth?" Beth says, Umm...the grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "No, Beth. Sometimes the grass is dead, and it's brown. The grass isn't definitely green."

Dirty Johnny stands up in the back & says, "Yo, teach. You mind if I axe you a question first?"

She says, "No, go ahead, son."

He says, "When you fart, does it ever have lumps in it?"

She says, "Heaven's no!"

He says, "Well, then, I DEFINITELY sh*t my pants!"

2007-05-30 06:23:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cab river picks up a nun. She gets in the back seat, and he looks in the rearview mirror. He says, "You know, sister, I've always fantasized about being with a nun."

She says, "Yeah, you and everybody else."

She says, "Are you Catholic?"

He says, "Why, yes I am."

She says, "Pull over."

He pulls over, she gets in the front seat, and she gives him the best BJ he has EVER had. She gets done, and he feels a little guilty.

He says, "Sister, I gotta tell you somethin'. I'm not really Catholic."

Nun says, "Yeah? Well, my name's Ralph, and I'm going to a costume party."



YEEEEEE-HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-05-30 04:53:24 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car,
you may not join him.
2. Under no circumstances may two guys share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his fellow attendees.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend,
mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog
walker, you need not - and should not - provide any useful
information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted
to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you
must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50
percent without recrimination. Beyond that, anyone within
earshot is allowed to call out, "bull****!" (Exception: When
trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises
to 400 percent).
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off-limits...forever.

2007-05-30 04:49:07 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

the man that got out was a dwarf,

he said im not happy,

i said... which one are you then?

2007-05-30 04:34:44 · 28 answers · asked by Pinki 2

Did you hear about the man who finally figured out women ?











He died lauging before he could tell anybody.

lol have that for free =)

2007-05-30 04:34:38 · 12 answers · asked by thewokinn2 2

Hit me at 40MPH, and there's an 80% chance I'll die.
Hit me at 30MPH, and there's an 80% chance I'll live.
Use the green cross code and LOOK, and there's a 100% chance you wont wander aimlessly into the road in the first place.

2007-05-30 04:04:49 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

He saw this one family:
Dad: Cody
Mom: Codi
Child: Echo
Im serious!

2007-05-30 04:00:46 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Being from Arkansas, I have the right to post this joke!

Last year a young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His very first assignment for the newspaper was to write a human interest story. He decided to go to the Ozarks for research.
He found an old farmer's house in an isolated section and introduced himself to the man.
He then asked him, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The old farmer thought for a moment and said, "Yep, one time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that! Can you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"
"Yep, one time a neighbor's daughter got lost. We all formed a posse & found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
"Hmph, can't print that either! What about something that made you sad?"

Sadly-looking, the old man said, "Well, I got lost once..."

2007-05-30 03:56:46 · 6 answers · asked by nunnayo b 2

When a husband arrives home late and drunk and finds his wife waiting for him at the front door with a broomstick in her hands and he says: "Darling, are you still cleaning the house, or are you flying somewhere?"

2007-05-30 03:46:40 · 10 answers · asked by Sunbeam 5

Bubble Gum, of course!

2007-05-30 03:44:24 · 15 answers · asked by nunnayo b 2

The graffiti was so bold & prominent that no user of the Urinals can miss it!

I think it's a heard one.

If it is the first time you come across this one, & find it Really Funny, Adorn it with a Star!

Posted just to share & for your Reaction & Comments!

2007-05-30 03:16:13 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I said to him I had a problem "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " he said.

"Is it common? " I asked.

"It's not unusual." was his reply!

2007-05-30 00:58:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9hLi3Q4ttE

12 years after his death his views on the War on Terror are as relevant today as they were then

2007-05-30 00:26:52 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-29 22:31:41 · 9 answers · asked by firstnoel56 1

2007-05-29 22:12:20 · 8 answers · asked by fondler99 1

A hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone.

He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats. The hat-seller sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down.

While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.

Fifty years later, his grandson, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.

He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree. He remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea. He threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats. Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said ........................
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > .....
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Guess What????????
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > >
>> > ................................................
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > .........................................
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > .......................................
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > ....................................
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > .................
>> > > >
>> > > >

>> > > >
>> > > > ...........
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > ........
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > ..
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >>
>> > > >
>> > > > "You think only you have grandfather?"
>> > >
>> > >

2007-05-29 22:10:32 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I
want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing
beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

2007-05-29 22:07:56 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy

class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery

table with the body Covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is

necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that

you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.

"For an example..", the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his

finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in

his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The student's freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually

took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on

it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,

'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle

finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention".



*star if you like;-)

2007-05-29 21:56:59 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day while walking downtown, a Human Resources woman was hit by a bus and was tragically killed. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an HR manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to with you."

"No problem, just let me in" said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in" the Saint replied.

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind.....I prefer to stay in Heaven".

"Sorry, we have rules....." And with that St. Peter put the HR Manager in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and the HR manager found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow HR professionals that she had worked with. They were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute), and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

The HR manager was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates where St.Peter was waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven" he said. So the HR manager spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity" he said.

The HR manager paused for a second and then replied, "well, I never thought I'd say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the consultant went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks for the evening meal. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her and laughed at her.

"I don't understand," stammered the HR manager. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and grinned, "that's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."

2007-05-29 21:33:37 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do
that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for
you," says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the
dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief."I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," Allthe more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop with a
bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: " The Governor?" Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?" Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur !

2007-05-29 20:39:34 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.

Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel", replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

2007-05-29 20:25:05 · 22 answers · asked by Hob Goblin 1