Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

2007-05-31 02:16:46 · 29 answers · asked by 2 hard 2 b 1

A man has to get a fox, a chicken, and a sack of corn across a river. He has a rowboat, and it can only carry him and one other thing. If the fox and the chicken are left together, the fox will eat the chicken. If the chicken and the corn is left together, the chicken will eat the corn. How does the man do it?

2007-05-31 01:58:22 · 7 answers · asked by paul_dawisp 2

Applying for a Job at the CIA

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man,

2007-05-31 01:44:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.


15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

2007-05-31 01:35:00 · 15 answers · asked by Joanne Hunter (Jo) 2

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance!
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight saving time.
10. You should never, ever say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

2007-05-31 01:30:44 · 12 answers · asked by Joanne Hunter (Jo) 2

Way to a Girls Heart

1. when she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes. and girls love that.

2. never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

4. call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. if she is say you better be , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. this will show her you care.

5. when she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. this will pave the way for her own personal improvement. and every girl needs some improvement.

2007-05-31 01:24:11 · 29 answers · asked by gEmInI 2

Was he the same person or related to the one that thought light bulbs need changing another sorce of jokes; and will they die out now the economic light bulb is on the scene

2007-05-31 01:15:11 · 4 answers · asked by Grinning Football plinny younger 7

A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

2007-05-30 23:49:59 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a little boy who went to a public school. His math grades, however, were slowly dropping, and he wasn't learning much. Because of this, the parents decided to send him to a more strict school, where he might learn math better, and might be more inclined to learning. The chose to send him to a prestigious Catholic school. Reluctantlly, the child went to school. But day after day, the parents noticed that his math grades were rising, and he was learning more than they ever expected. Finally, the parents decided to ask him why he was doing so well, because they just couldn't understand. The child replied to this by saying, "Well mommy, I knew they meant buissness when I first arrived and saw a man nailed to a plus sign!"

Good or bad? Post any funny jokes you have.

2007-05-30 23:48:04 · 12 answers · asked by Theo 2

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a body shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ...

"HELLLLO" "You need to wind up the windows"

2007-05-30 23:33:01 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra
and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She
entered an upscale department store and approached the
saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the
store and proceeded to another department store where she is
rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another
department store in the mall, she had become disgusted.
Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw
open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried
Clearasil?"

2007-05-30 23:26:38 · 11 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

A man was driving to work when a Shell truck ran a stop sign, hit
his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled
him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific
struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when
he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.
He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a
concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And
somebody was standing in front of the 'S'!"

2007-05-30 23:14:44 · 7 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a Double-Decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana.TheBrunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front oft hem with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!” One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered..."YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER! "

2007-05-30 23:13:42 · 18 answers · asked by HomerJay 2

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped

Don't spend 2 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents.

2007-05-30 22:52:12 · 7 answers · asked by Gina B 4

1. Create a new file.

2. Name it "George Bush"

3. Send it to the recycle bin.

4. Empty the recycle bin.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "George Bush?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better.

2007-05-30 22:51:12 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-30 22:18:05 · 12 answers · asked by emeraldsue 2

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

2007-05-30 21:15:18 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________




SHOPPING MATH



A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________





GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS



A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________





HAPPINESS



To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________





LONGEVITY



Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________





PROPENSITY TO CHANGE



A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________





DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE



A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

2007-05-30 21:15:01 · 7 answers · asked by rdrnnr1972 5

*BEST JOKE IN IRELAND 2006*

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life...between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

2007-05-30 20:56:57 · 24 answers · asked by paranoiac 2

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

2007-05-30 20:51:19 · 7 answers · asked by Mr. Bodhisattva 6

http://www.palindromelist.com/longest.htm
They say it's the world's longest palindrome.

2007-05-30 20:39:30 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.

2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.

3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.

4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT.. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.

5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.

6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.

7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.

11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.

12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.

13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.

14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.

16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.

17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.

18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!

19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.

20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!

21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.

22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.

23 . OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?

24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?

25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED
SOMETHING.

26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.

27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.

28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.

29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?

30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?

31. EAGLES! MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.

32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?

33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.

34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.

35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?

36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED?

37. JUST REMEMBER ....... IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL
OFF.

38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT
......... UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.

2007-05-30 20:21:12 · 11 answers · asked by PC 7

As soon as he spoke those three words
I didn't believe my ears
I never thought we’d feel alike
Looking with his hopeful eyes
He waited long for my reply
Standing there in front of me
With his marvelous faith filled grin
Here’s the best day of my life
I left my spot and hugged him tight
When at last I found my voice
I whispered in his perfect ear
“I love yoyos, too”

I wrote it when i was bored and in case you didn't get it its a joke =P

2007-05-30 20:12:14 · 3 answers · asked by JJS 1

Would you be "cutting the rug"?

Can I get a laugh from this corny joke I made up?

2007-05-30 18:34:34 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-30 17:44:54 · 8 answers · asked by TRUTHSAYER ALA TWAIN & CHURCHILL 2

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, “Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you Get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, Shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."



Larry is now recovering in room 232 at John Hopkins Hospital.

2007-05-30 16:56:37 · 3 answers · asked by nunnayo b 2

2007-05-30 16:01:54 · 12 answers · asked by littlegoober75 4

Couple turns down opportunity to purchase house because of its (interior or inferior) condition
Pick the word that completes the sentence best: inferior or interior
One word will fit better than the other based solely on the sentence structure and definition of words.

2007-05-30 15:30:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's a joke at school

2007-05-30 15:18:09 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife are driving out in the country one night. Out of the corner of her eye, his wife sees a wounded animal along side of the road and tells her husband to turn around and go back. When they get back they find a baby skunk that has about froze to death.
The wife being an animal lover tells her hubby "We've got to take this poor thing home and nurse it back to health!"
He says "OK, whatever!"
"But how am I going to keep him warm?" she asks.
He tells her to lift her skirt and put it between her legs.
She asks "But what about the smell?"
He smiled real big and said "Just hold his little nose! It works for me"

The funeral will be Monday!

2007-05-30 14:46:30 · 17 answers · asked by sniffels323 5