Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

A woman takes her 16year old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Irene. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and she's sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Irene a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "well, i don't know how to tell you this, but your Irene is about four months pregnant."
The mother says "PREGNANT!!" she can't be; she has never ever been left alone with a man" Have you Irene?"
Irene says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there, Doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No not really. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be dammed if I'm going to miss it this time!"

(Goodnight everyone!!)

2007-05-30 14:37:22 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

...

2007-05-30 14:33:51 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced an jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation, considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said:
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."

2007-05-30 14:23:04 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob and his wife are waiting at the bus stop. With them are their eight children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So Bob and the blind man decide to walk. After a while Bob gets irrated by the ticking of the blind man's stick and says to him:
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"
The blind man replies: "If you had put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus right now!"

2007-05-30 14:15:58 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was too late and the man had died.
While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, "Well, were in bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting and sweating...I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."

2007-05-30 14:09:48 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fidgety goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
"Tell me all of your sins, my daughter."
"Oh Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times," she says.
The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, "Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it."
"Will this cleanse my soul of my sins Father?"
"No," the priest says, "but it'll wipe that smile off your face!" :(

2007-05-30 14:05:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jim, an elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue viagra pill.
The pharmacist asked, "How many?"
Jim replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through s*x."
Jim said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes.

2007-05-30 14:02:09 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-30 13:57:58 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob, the country doctor went to a very remote area to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When Bob arrived, no one was home except for the mother in labour and her 5year old child. Bob instructed the child to hold a lantern so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, Bob lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
Bob then asked the 5year old what he thought of the baby.
"Hit him again," the 5year old said. "he shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place."

2007-05-30 13:39:17 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following.:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our s*x lives in public."

"Hey, coola down, lady," said the man. "Imma just tella my friend howa spella Mississippi."

2007-05-30 13:30:46 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub!"
<><><><>
A woman and a man meet at a rapid dating service. The man sits down and says, "I've only got three questions."
"OK," replies the woman.
"Do you like to clean?" he asks.
"I love cleaning," she replies.
"Great. Do you like to cook for other people?"
"I love to cook," she says.
"Fantastic," says the man. "OK, last question. Do you like s*x?"
"I like it infrequently," she replies.
The man then asks, "Is that one word of two?"
<><><>

2007-05-30 13:19:44 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

How can you tell if a lettuce is reformed?

2007-05-30 12:56:59 · 6 answers · asked by kfriedlander3 2

Man: Honey I'm home!
Wife: My Gosh! Honey what happened to your face?
Man: Well, there's this one lady, we were on the escalator and she was in front of me, and I can't help but notice that her skirt was tucked in her butt, so I tried to help and pulled the skirt out of her butt, then she gave me this black eye(pointing on his left eye)
Wife: What happened to the other black eye?
Man: Well, I figured, she might have liked her skirt like that, so tucked it back in!

2007-05-30 12:10:42 · 32 answers · asked by Mr. Pedigree! 3

A newly wed couple decided to talk about each other during their honeymoon and the wife asked her husband,"honey, am I pretty or am I ugly? her husband immediately replies,"both". "what do you mean both!? am i pretty or am i ugly? answer me! the wife angrily responds, the husband says to her wife,"i said both bec.." "the answer's pretty or ugly" the wife interrupts, then the husband shouts with anger,

"YOU'RE PRETTY UGLY!

2007-05-30 11:58:58 · 5 answers · asked by Mr. Pedigree! 3

what happened to the blonde that tried to drink milk.....




the cow fell on her...

2007-05-30 11:27:59 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey"What happened?"The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer.The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."The monkey nods Yes"." "What were you doing during all this time?
"Driving" motioned the Monkey

2007-05-30 10:53:30 · 16 answers · asked by chloe1st 4

2007-05-30 10:36:37 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.
''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''

''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ***.''

''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''

''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''

''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''

''Ruff!"

''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''

''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

2007-05-30 10:32:51 · 14 answers · asked by basketballplaya13 2

2007-05-30 09:43:52 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-30 09:23:13 · 14 answers · asked by stary 3

Whats the best thing to say a girl when I'm trying to have fun with her, like touching her like that..but she says....

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME"?

Give me a funny answer. what would you say?
Think in different situations too..;)

2007-05-30 09:16:07 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

20 Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor, "may I
borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a
bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantelope
into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh
relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get in there."

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically
under
the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, "Whoa! Easy
boy!"

2007-05-30 09:14:56 · 13 answers · asked by YouWishYouWereMe 5

i'm a bear. i start out at point A and walk straight south for one mile, then head east for another mile, then i stop and go north another mile. Somehow i end up right back where i started.


so what color am i?

2007-05-30 09:11:31 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-30 09:07:06 · 18 answers · asked by bayansh_sha 2

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

2007-05-30 09:02:04 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A stitch in time saves nine what?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Are female moths called myths?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Are there a lot of virgins in the Virgin Islands?

Are there any unguided missiles?

Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?

Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Can a stupid person be a smart-***?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?

Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer?

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

2007-05-30 08:54:49 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around,
spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she
bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop
up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been
there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
shx@ yourself when I tell you the price."

2007-05-30 08:41:17 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

These riddle testes your way of thinking.

If a BIG tornado is coming and you have to leave the city or also you'll die, and you have a motorcycle.
so your leaving and then you stop and you see your BEST friend, the person you LOVE, and a poor old lady who is very hert and can't walk,
now you can only take ONE of them and you CANNOT come back.

Who would you take and why?

2007-05-30 08:36:17 · 13 answers · asked by ♫Cuban Gurl♫ 5

A man comes home from and opens his house door. When he opened the door he found one female and one male lying there beside them were water not only that they found the window open how did the male and female died?

2007-05-30 08:30:47 · 18 answers · asked by rashawna b 1

2007-05-30 08:28:06 · 12 answers · asked by Ryan_Hood 3