i need jokes to flirt with my crush!!!!please help!!!?

Question

i have this huge crush and i want 2 make laugh i dont care if its a dirty joke ... it just has to be funny... i need big help and the one that makes me laugh most is the best answer with all of those stary thingies

Answer 1

Here's one....it is kind of dirty but oh well. I always remember this joke when someone needs a laugh. (Little Johnny can cheer up anybody!)
So, Little Johnny goes up to his daddy. He says, "Daddy, can I take a shower with you?" His daddy says, "Sure. Just don't look down." So they get in the shower and, as Little Johnny would, he looks down. He asks his daddy, "Daddy, what's that?" His daddy says, ''That's my snake." Then they get out of the shower. He asks his mommy can he take a shwoer with her, also. His mommy replies, "As long as you don't look up or down." As Little Johnny would, he looks up. He asks mommy, "Mommy, what's that?" His mommy replies, "My headlights." Little Johnny looks down. He asks his mommy, "Mommy, what's that?" His mommy replies that it is her grass. That night, Little Johnny asks if he can sleep with his mommy and daddy. They say, "As long as you don't look under the covers." You guessed it, he looked under the covers. He says, "Mommy, turn on your headlights! A snake's coming through the grass!"

Answer 2

Some of my favorites to break the ice :

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."





A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."




Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ?intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Answer 3

How the fricking crap old are you? cause if it is a dirty joke you shouldn't be telling those if you're young. but i got one anyways.

one day this woman was on her way home from work. she didn't have a car so she took the bus. she had a really bad head ache so she picked up some asprin from the grocery store along with some other things. She was in a hurry so she accidently forgot her asprin. and when she got on the bus she suddenly remembered she forgot her asprins. Then she started screaming
'' My assburns, my assburns'' even though she ment to say my asprins my asprins. and then the guy next to her said '' then stick it out the window!''

Answer 4

How approximately you simply inform him that she is unmarried and holiday the ice for them each through establishing the dialog and allowing them to speak each and every different into a talk of there possess. Then you are saying, I'm going to get a drink" after which do not come again.

Answer 5

Two snowmen standing in a field, first snowman says to the second snowman "sniff - can you smell carrots?"

Answer 6

just tell her about ur past girlfrnds and even ur past boy frnds i m sure she will laugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

Answer 7

Why can't trees find a love mate?
Cause they are so sappy!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 8

A police sergeant was training three blonde recruits in observation and detection. He called the first blonde in and said, "I'm going to show you a photograph of a suspect for a few seconds then, when I remove it, I want you to tell me how you would recognise the suspect in future". After he had removed the photo the blonde said, "We'd soon catch him, he's only got one eye". "Look", said the sergeant patiently, "the photo of him is taken from the side, in profile, of course he's got two eyes".

He called in the second blonde, repeated the procedure with her and, when he'd removed the photo, she said, "That's easy, we'd trace him in no time because he's only got one ear". The sergeant said, somewhat testily, "Don't be silly, the photo is of him in profile, from the side, of course he's got two ears!"

He summoned the third blonde, repeated the procedure, then said, "I'm now going to remove the photo, I want you to think carefully and don't give me any stupid answers". The girl pondered for some time, then said, "We would be able to identify him because he's wearing contact lenses". "That's amazing", said the sergeant, "the suspect does indeed wear contact lenses but how could you deduce that when it's not obvious from the photo?" "Well," replied the blonde, "I knew he couldn't wear ordinary glasses because he's only got one eye and one ear!"


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"



A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."




A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."




TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, idiot?"




A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."




When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.




A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"






Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter. The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care." St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "You can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."



I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets."



A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."



Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"



The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway. As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?" The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."



How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll let you know tomorrow!



Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries. "He says you're gonna die."



Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one. "Break it to her gently," they all urge. "Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." "How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"



Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back...



Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. "What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? How's it work?" "Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"



A devout couple felt it important to own an equally devout pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash.
When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally
fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased
the animal, and went home--devoutly. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new pet and his major skills, they
called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out." Once more they called the
dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a
wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed
his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.



An Irishman declares war! funny or not?
Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello".

The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country."

Saddam Hussein smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance."

Paddy replies, "No, no,we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you."

So Saddam Hussein says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time."

Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport."

Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope".

Additional Details

1 day ago
"Hold on a sec, Mr.Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

Saddam Hussein says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that?"

"Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old Austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor."

"Get real, " says Saddam Hussein, "that's no match at all."

So Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting."

"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

Saddam Hussein thinks this is just amazing, "How many soldiers have you got Paddy?".

"Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road....

1 day ago
I reckon I could get together about 30."

Laughing openly now Saddam Hussein replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting."

"I will", says Paddy, "I will."

"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all."

"At last, " replies Saddam Hussein, "What made you change your mind?"

"Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"