Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately, there is a pile of dog s**t just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.

A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of s**t, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.

The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."

The big guy punches him in the mouth.

2007-06-19 05:23:35 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you now....
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....
Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know.... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know....Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."

So, just exactly what is a *****?

B - BABE
I - IN
T - TOTAL
C - CONTROL OF
H - HERSELF

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a *****.......

SMILE.........

And say Thank You!

2007-06-19 05:09:37 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Romeo and Juliet are found dead on the floor in a bedroom. When they were discovered, there were pieces of glass on the floor. The only furniture in the bedroom is a shelf and a bed. The house is in a remote location, away from everything except a nearby railway track. What caused the death of Romeo and Juliet?

2007-06-19 05:06:50 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A chav walks into a pub, orders a pint and puts some money into the jukebox.
As the coin drops, the machine shouts out: "Sod off! I'm not playing that sh!t"
The bemused chav looks at the bartender and says, "That jukebox is well out of order…"

2007-06-19 05:04:17 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

At his request, each morning 3-year-old Ray's mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his young imaginative mind, the towel became a magic blue and red cape. And he became Superman.

Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman.

This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name.

"Superman," he answered politely and without hesitation.

The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please."

Again, Ray answered, "Superman."

Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a stern voice said, "I will have to have your real name for my records."

Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy, "Clark Kent."

2007-06-19 04:50:34 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-19 02:49:29 · 9 answers · asked by fuzzy 2

2007-06-19 02:44:23 · 47 answers · asked by jamie w 1

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

2007-06-19 02:41:55 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a pair of Labrador Retrievers. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dogs stood on their hind legs, put their front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. They then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook their heads. The vet patted the dogs, took them out of the room and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Reports and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

2007-06-19 02:38:58 · 39 answers · asked by Ariel Mermaid 3

any ideas?
do not hesitate to get creative.

2007-06-19 02:28:24 · 22 answers · asked by ktlove 4

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers:

"Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"

2007-06-19 02:03:02 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry." The policeman fainted....

2007-06-19 02:01:25 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A successfull buisiness executive spent the afternoon in the arms of his secetary at her flat,eventualy falling asleep together.They awoke at 8 pm and the woman said ,oh heck we are in trouble now your wife will find out about us.The man said i will get dressed, you take my shoes outside and rub grass all over them,which she did.The man eventualy arrives home and his wife says where have you been to which the man replies,i own up i have been having an affair with my secetary and spent the afternoon with her and we fell asleep after having s-x.The wife says don,t lie to me look at your shoes you have been playing golf again

2007-06-19 01:49:05 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-19 00:59:56 · 18 answers · asked by bryan f 1

U can consult Santa or Banta ..

2007-06-19 00:51:43 · 21 answers · asked by farouk_alam 2

....and one of the questions was "Is this a rhetorical question?", would you answer it?

2007-06-19 00:29:43 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

And only eight blokes survive and end up stranded on a remote island.

2 of them were from Scotland - they got together and started a Bank
2 of them were from Northern Ireland - they got together and started a fight
2 of them were from Wales - they got together and started a Choir
2 of them were from England...they didn't start anything because nobody had introduced them yet.

2007-06-19 00:20:47 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do tell.

2007-06-19 00:17:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

(A bit long but worth the read)


Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge & obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger comes up behind him & asks,
“Have you got the time?”
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases & turns around.
After glancing at his wrist he says “It's about a quarter to six”.
“Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch”, exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it's not bad. Take a look at this”, and he shows him a time zone display for every time zone in the world. He hits a few buttons & from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The time is eleven to six" in a British accent.
A few more buttons and the voice says something in Japanese.
Jake continues, “I've put in regional accents for each city”.
He then pushes a few more buttons& a tiny but very high resolution map of N.Y. appears on the display. “Zoom in on Central New York”, he adds to the watch, and the display changes to show the the center of N.Y.
“It responds to voice?” gasps the stranger, & Jake nods enthusiastically.
“But I haven't got it all programmed yet, most of the functions are still button-activated”. “I want to buy that watch!", says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor.
“I'll give you $1000 for it,” offers the stranger.
Oh, no, I've already spent more than $8000,” says Jake.
“I'll give you $10,000 for it,” responds the stranger.
“But it's just not done,” replies Jake.
“I'll give you $15,000 for it,” says the stranger as he pulls out his chequebook, “I've just got to have that watch.”
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he could make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only another half a year. $15000? The stranger frantically finishes writing the cheque and waves it in front of him.
“Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now”. Jake abruptly makes his decision. “Ok”, he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange, the cheque for the watch, and the stranger starts happily away.
“Hey, wait a minute”, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.
Jake indicates the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. “Don't forget your batteries!”

2007-06-19 00:15:12 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were three men in an airplane. One had a grenade, one had a sword and the other had a knife. The man with the knife said, "I don't need this knife." So he throws it out the window. conan says, "I don't need this sword." So he throws it out the window. The man with the grenade says, "I don't need this grenade." So he pulls the pin and throws it out the window. When the plane lands the three men are walking threw the airport and they see a man crying. So they went up to him and said, "Why are you crying?" He replies, "A knife fell out of the sky and killed my cat." The three men keep walking and they see another man crying. They asked him why he was crying and he replied, "A sword fell out of the sky and killed my cow." The three men keep walking and they see a man laughing. They asked him why he was laughing and he replied, "I farted and my house blew up."
(its not the best

2007-06-19 00:14:14 · 9 answers · asked by Conan 3

correct answer in 30 mins if no1 gets it

2007-06-19 00:02:28 · 21 answers · asked by butler j 2

and can't help but notice that whenever she washes around the genitals the womens eyelids flutter. The nurse finds the womens husband and quietly tells him that she thinks that a little oral sex my wake his wife up. The man looks at the nurse a little strange and says well if you think it will work i'll give it a go. So the nurse ushers him into the room and pulls the curtain closed. A few minutes later bells and alarms start to go off. The nurse rushes into the room asking what had happend the husban replied I think she choked.

2007-06-19 00:01:38 · 8 answers · asked by the_little_one_said 3

. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Pete was furious.
"If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his *** of.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here? "Pete asks.
"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

2007-06-18 23:55:43 · 15 answers · asked by kumar v 3

One of my favorite jokes ever.

How many pankakes does it take to build a house?

I don't know, alligators don't eat pankakes!

I know it don't make sense, but for some reason I find it pretty funny.

2007-06-18 23:54:20 · 6 answers · asked by ChrisWalt 2

Has world war three started or something?! I live in the downtown area and in the last five min's. two helocoptors and one jet hae flown over very low and going very fast.... That never happens here!

2007-06-18 23:49:12 · 8 answers · asked by Michael N 6

Harry is depressed all the time, lethargic but otherwise sharp. Doris is a spinster, no family, a Nun for many years and very frail.
The staff are worried about Harry . They go to Doris and suggest her to help her friend to try and cheer up. See positives in life etc.
Soon Harry perks up a lot. The Staff are encouraged and ask Doris what changed him. She thought it would be a good idea to play “cars” on the way to breakfast using their wheel-chairs. They would “signal”, stop at “junctions” etc. Well the staff were very pleased and decided to watch the following morning.
Doris comes out of her room, signals, Harry slows down and lets her out and she turns towards the breakfast room. Harry is just behind her following in line.
Suddenly Harry speeds up, over-takes Doris and pulls in just in front of her and stops. He gets out and walks over to Doris.
The Staff are intrigued.
Harry then starts to undo his zip on his trousers and Doris says “Oh No ! Not the breathalyser again!"

2007-06-18 23:49:08 · 9 answers · asked by Teacher 4

martha lost her husband

she had him cremated, took his ashes home and poured them out onto the patio table

tracing her fingers through them, she spoke to him

"Bob? remember the dishwasher you promised me? i bought it with your insurance money. the car you promised me? i bought that too. and the diamond ring? bought that too.

Bob? do you remember the bloow job i promised you? here it comes..."

NOTE:

no comments from slap heads who dont know any jokes

thanks

2007-06-18 23:38:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three young ladies die and go to heaven. When they arrive, St. Peter tells them that there's only one rule - don't step on the ducks.

They go through the pearly gates and see ducks everywhere! It's almost impossible to walk without stepping on a duck. The first girl accidentally steps on a duck and gets chained to a hideously ugly man as punishment - he's so ugly she's violently sick when she looks at him!

The 2nd girl thinks this is rather harsh and decides she'd better be careful, but a few months later steps on a duck. She gets chained to a fairly ugly man - he's not as ugly as the first, but still makes her stomach turn.

The 3rd girl is really shocked and devotes the rest of her days to avoiding the ducks. Then one day she gets chained to this drop-dead-gorgeous guy. "What's this all about?" she asks. The guy replies "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

2007-06-18 23:37:23 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.
"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"
"I'm not sure," the father replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him."

2007-06-18 23:30:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'll give u 2 - The old Chicken or Egg coming first & Giving Birth or Kicked in the "Round Spherical Things"

More??????????

2007-06-18 23:17:26 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous