Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

2007-06-18 14:09:09 · 13 answers · asked by lisa o 2

One day, in the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed upon prawn.
"I hate being a prawn," says Justin. "I wish I were a shark."
Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. "Your wish is granted," he says.
Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian.
As he approaches, he shouts out: "It's me, Justin, your old friend. I've changed… I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian."

2007-06-18 14:06:22 · 18 answers · asked by lisa o 2

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.

Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands but one boy, Johnny. He has decided to be different.

Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"

Johnny says, "I am a Kerry fan."

The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, " Well, my mum's a Kerry fan, and my dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"

The teacher is irritated by this, so she says, "What if your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

2007-06-18 14:04:43 · 18 answers · asked by lisa o 2

2007-06-18 14:03:59 · 8 answers · asked by Conan 3

The winner is . . . Deal or No Deal! LOL

2007-06-18 14:00:22 · 8 answers · asked by sokrates 4

There was an Army Ranger deployed to Afghanistan.
While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In that letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he was gone and now wanted to break up AND she wanted the pictures of herself back.
So the Ranger does what any away Ranger would do.
He went around to his buddies and collected any unwanted photos of all the women he could find.
He then mailed 25 photos to his old girlfriend with this note...
"I'm sorry, but I can't remember which one you are. Please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back." :)

2007-06-18 13:59:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just reently been circ*mcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He did and returned to the class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his pen*s hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mum," she screamed.
"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

2007-06-18 13:55:08 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men drove to a gas station because they heard about a contest offered by the station to clients who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," explained the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex."

"Okay... I guess 7," said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex."

"2," said the second man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to his friend, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

2007-06-18 13:55:02 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four men -- an engineer, an accountant, a chemist, and a government worker -- were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff."

T- Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed: that was pretty smart. But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed: that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed: that was good. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation, and went home on sick leave.

2007-06-18 13:51:20 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

As a devout Catholic, Maria doesn’t use condoms with her husband. So over the years, they have had 17 children. After the husband died, Maria remarried and had another 22 kids with her second husband before he too dies. Eventually, Maria’s time also came.

At her wake, the priest looked tenderly at Maria lying in her coffin. Then, he looked up into the heavens and said, "At last... they are finally together."

A man standing next to the priest looked confused and asked, "Father, what do you mean? Do you mean Maria and her first husband? Or her second husband?"

Says the priest: "I mean her legs!"

2007-06-18 13:48:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women walk into a pet shop.
Suddenly the parrot yells out, "Yellow, pink, blue."
The first lady says, "That's funny, I'm wearing yellow underwear."
The second lady says, "Well I'm wearing pink."
The third lady says, "No way, I'm wearing blue."

To test the parrot, the next day all of them wear white and the parrot shouts, "White ! White ! White!"
The three women are amazed.

The final test is on the third day and just as they walk in the parrot yells, "Bald, curly and straight!"

They never went there again!!

2007-06-18 13:28:45 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

plz star if u like it



Why God Made Eve

When God made Adam, he stepped back, scratched his head, and said "I can do better than that"

2007-06-18 13:10:48 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, scientists spent a decade and 12 billion dollars to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

2007-06-18 13:03:47 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

i think it's pretty funny but here it goes. I guess it's suppose to be in the future ..

3 women are sitting in a sauna 2 younger women and 1 older woman.
then they hear a ringing sound. and one of them goes "oh don't mind me thats just the cell phone microchip implanted in my hand..i'll just mess w/ it later"
then they hear a beeping sound.
and the other women goes "that's my pager microchip implanted in my hip..don't mind that "
And the older woman...is feeling kinda behind the times. So she leaves the Sauna, and she comes back w/ a strip of Toilet paper hanging out of her butt and she says "oh would you look at that.. I must be getting a fax."

lame or funny?

2007-06-18 13:02:47 · 23 answers · asked by ohmercymercyme! 4

oh goodness please tell it's not carrot.

2007-06-18 12:57:47 · 10 answers · asked by ohmercymercyme! 4

I make these up myself maybe easy maybe no see if you can get the answer.
Bob is sat outside a room. He looks in the room and it is empty.There is only one way in. He sees 4 people enter the room. Two people then leave. Later 3 people enter the room. 1 person leaves. Another 2 people enter. Later 4 people leave. Finally 3 people enter the room . 2 then leave . then 3 more leave. Bob then gets up and looks into the room there is one more person in the room ....explain why .. star if good

2007-06-18 12:56:34 · 32 answers · asked by mad123 2

Why in the world is it that every time I get stuck driving behind someone who is driving slow, it is always:
an old dude
too short to see over the steering wheel
weraing a hat
driving a Cadillac?

WHY?

2007-06-18 12:54:19 · 14 answers · asked by Hot Coco Puff 7

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquired. " They only know how to say, 'Hi,we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?"

That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, " but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day, the woman brings her two female talking parrots to the priest's house. His two male talking parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the two male parrots and the female parrots say, " Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

2007-06-18 12:53:04 · 6 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

How does a blonde spell farm?

E I E I O

2007-06-18 12:46:15 · 8 answers · asked by W♥ Knit Twit ♥P 5

This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"


The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."

2007-06-18 12:40:50 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

2007-06-18 12:39:32 · 14 answers · asked by rene t 2

a blonde,brunette,and red head are dead and trying to go to heaven
but first they have to go up the stairs to god without laughing when he tells mean jokes
the brunette steps up and he tells one and she can't help but laugh
poof
shes in hell for being mean
thr red head comes up to the stairs and he tell one and she ends up laughing so hard she rolls herself to hell
next the blonde steps up to heaven and god asks how she got through without laughing at his jokes
and she say"haha I don't get it, what jokes?"

2007-06-18 12:35:59 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blond,brunette,and red head are dead and trying to go to heaven
but first they have to go up the stairs to god without laughing when he tells mean jokes
the brunette steps up and he tells one and she can't help but laugh
poof
shes in hell for being mean
th red head comes up to the stairs and he tell one and she ends up laughing so hard she rollsherself to hell
next the blonde steps up t heaven and asks howshe got through without laughing at his jokes
and she say"haha I don't get it, what jokes?"

2007-06-18 12:33:26 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-18 12:08:50 · 12 answers · asked by All I need is you 2

This joke wont make you laugh out loud.

An elderly couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and they decided to go to the small town where they first met. Inside the cafe they used to frequent, the man said to the woman, "Remember the field where we first made love? I propped you up against the fence."

She nodded her head yes. "Why don't we go there and do it again for old times sake?" Giggling she agreed.

The couple hadn't noticed, but a police officer was in the next booth and heard the conversation. He thought he'd better follow them and make sure no one disturbed them. The couple got to the field, took off their clothes and the man placed the woman against the fence. From the bushes the policeman watched as they gyrated all over the fence. He watched as they did things he never even thought of doing. After five minutes they stopped, fell to the ground and slowly got up and dressed themselves.

2007-06-18 11:56:59 · 15 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

If it is i bet he becomes a repeat offender lol.

2007-06-18 11:54:29 · 11 answers · asked by Gray 3

Here are the lyrics:

Baby lives in a trailer park
Only comes out after dark
Hates her mom hates the old man
Don't like living in a caravan
Oh taxi cab
It ain't nice 4 girls 2 grab
She's leaving town on a greyhound bus

Doing time 4 your baby
Sleazy Come Easy Go
Doing time 4 your man
Anyway u can

New York City, Hollywood
Just like she always knew she would
She's riding high she's playing the game
Moving fast as a hurricane
Oh taxi cab
It ain't nice 4 girls 2 grab
don't make a sound don't make a fuss

Doing time 4 your baby
Sleazy Come Easy Go
Doing time 4 your man
Anyway u can

Private plane crystal queen best Peruvian
You've ever seen
Lady luck took a dive
She's in stir doing 3 to 5
Oh where's that cab, I told you it ain't nice 2 grab
She's leaving town in a greyhound bus

Doing time 4 your baby
Sleazy Come Easy Go
Doing time 4 your man
Anyway u can

2007-06-18 11:50:03 · 3 answers · asked by melinda_8205 2

arghhh Kelly

2007-06-18 11:49:49 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The zookeeper says look, the Gorillas escaped and theres a coachload of kids coming to see it. You'll have to dress up in a Gorilla suit and try and fool them. Whatever you do don't talk. The kids arrive and everthings going well. The guy is swinging on the gorillas swing and all the kids shout higher, higher, higher. He swings as high as he can and all of a sudden the rope snaps. He goes flying over the fence and lands in the next cage which houses a very big lion. The guy screams and shouts HELP! HELP!. The lion comes pounding over and says in his ear 'shut the fu.k up, you'll get us both the sack'.

2007-06-18 11:49:26 · 14 answers · asked by Gray 3

im a blonde, this is a dumb blonde joke...no offense to anyone
plz star if u like it



there was a blonde woman driving her car down the highway, she was going over the speed limit. the woman got pulled over by a blonde police officer. the police officer asked the woman for her ID. the woman asks what it looks like, the police officer says "its a rectangle and it has ur picture on it"
the woman takes a compact mirror out of her purse (because hers was a rectangle, and she looked and she seend her face in it)
she gives it to the blonde police officer
the police officer said "well if i known u were a cop, i wouldnt of pulled u over"

2007-06-18 11:47:50 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous