Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

scares the **** out of them. They drop their guns and run like hell.

One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!"

To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"

2007-06-18 11:35:30 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a lady goes to the social services office to ask for aid for her ELEVEN kids. the social worker asks what each child name is. The lady says,"I made it easy. They are all named Joe." The social worker said, "Joe? Doesn't that get complicated?" The lady said, "No. When they are outside playing, and i want them to all come inside, I just say 'Joe, come inside'.. and they all come!" The social worker said, "What if you want ONLY ONE to come inside?" The lady said, "That's easy too! I CALL THEM BY THEIR LAST NAME!!"""

2007-06-18 11:33:03 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Billy asks his dad for a tv in his bedroom so his dad duly buys him one, after a few days Billy comes down the stairs and asks his dad what love juice is.His dad sits him down and explains the fact of life to young Billy who sits there mouth wide in amazment.
"What were you watching on tv Billy "asks his father
"Wimbledon "replies Billy

2007-06-18 11:26:27 · 51 answers · asked by plasterur 3

hello ladies!

2007-06-18 11:12:25 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's a pirates favorite letter?

Awnser(No peeking!)
R!

2007-06-18 11:12:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two elderly women went to a studio to have a portrait taken. The photographer was using a high-powered camera in the next room.

"Ladies, I'll be right back. I have to focus the camera again." (Photographer leaves)

"What's that man going to do?" said the first lady.

"He's going to focus the camera." replied the second.

"What'd you say?"

"HE'S GOING TO FOCUS THE CAMERA."

"To WHAT!?"

"FOCUS!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Oh...............Both of us????"

2007-06-18 11:03:25 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-18 10:57:46 · 62 answers · asked by NejiAtTheDisco 3

Two gay cowboys, one says " Yup" ? The other says " yep " !
Two Paddys at the bus stop, bus comes along and Mick says " this is a one man bus", so Pat says " well, you get this one & I'll get the next one " !
RIP Bernard.

2007-06-18 10:28:34 · 8 answers · asked by Joe Ninety 2

Simple question pick yes or no and I will pick the best answer from the people who are correct
so give it a go
Yes or No?

2007-06-18 10:23:47 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-18 10:20:56 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

NOTHING!!!!!!

She's already been told twice, and she just doesn't listen!!!!

2007-06-18 10:20:23 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

You can spin, wheel and twist, but this thing can turn without moving. What is it?

2007-06-18 10:19:17 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and1Samsung. No Sieman was found.

2007-06-18 10:17:47 · 22 answers · asked by barnowl 4

2007-06-18 10:15:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hay.
What does a gay horse eat?
HEEEEEEYYYYYYY!!!!!

2007-06-18 10:12:57 · 9 answers · asked by Li'l Devil 3

Little Malik was the only black boy in his 3rd grade class. One day he came home and asked his mom, "Momma, today we took a test, and everyone got a good grade except for me...is that because I'm black?" "No," said Malik's mom.

The next day he came home and said, "Momma, today the teacher picked helpers in class, and she didn't pick me...is that because I'm black?" "No, Malik. I'm sure it has nothing to do with that," said his mom.

The next day, Malik came home very disturbed, and said, "Momma, today we were in the bathroom going pee-pee, and I saw Johnny's thingy, and my thingy is WAY, WAY bigger than his thingy...is that because I'm black?"

"Well.........," said Malik's mom, "It's not because you're black...it's because Johnny is seven, and you are fifteen."

2007-06-18 10:10:23 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your
point across.

6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your
wallet or desk.

7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24
hours a day.

8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died,
would you get another dog?'

11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give
them away.

12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without
calling you a pervert.

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They
just think it's interesting.

14 Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

2007-06-18 09:58:40 · 13 answers · asked by old man 4

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer kept bugging

2007-06-18 09:54:38 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman & a man are involved in a bad car accident on a cold snowy morning. Both cars are totaled but amazingly no one is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After crawling out of their cars, the woman says, "So, you're a man and I’m a woman. Interesting. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet & be friends & live in peace the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "Look, another miracle. My car is totaled, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine & celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods in agreement, drinks half the bottle & then hands it back. The woman takes the bottle & immediately puts the cap back on & hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

2007-06-18 09:51:12 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I like ... in bed

Personally i like a cup of hot chocolate, How about you? lol

2007-06-18 09:45:45 · 39 answers · asked by Rubber * Duckie 4

He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said..You wear briefs, don't you

He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.

He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said.. Well, you succeeded.

He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you

She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said.. I would, but you're never there.

He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight?

She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

2007-06-18 09:35:22 · 7 answers · asked by â?¥Yummy 5

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min

2007-06-18 09:32:01 · 5 answers · asked by â?¥Yummy 5

How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning
2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see husband along the way, ignore juvenile jokes and run to bathroom.
3. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out stomach
so as to complain about how fat you're getting.
4. Turn on hot water only.
5. Get in the shower, once you've found it through all the
steam.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah,
wide loofah, and pumice stone.
7. Wash hair once with cucumber and lemon shampoo with 83
added vitamins.
8. Rinse hair. Condition your hair with cucumber and lemon
conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair
for fifteen minutes.
9. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes
until red and raw.
10. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and
Java Cake bodywash.

2007-06-18 09:21:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

it was right there..you see where it went!

2007-06-18 08:01:15 · 21 answers · asked by "!" 5

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain , Wyoming , goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush with you, You have AIDS." The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me,
Doc?" "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ***
is for!!!"

2007-06-18 07:50:35 · 12 answers · asked by graciegirl 5

There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging of a rope 100 stories high. They had decided that one of them had to get off.

They argued and argued and finally the brunette said ''I'll go.''

The brunette made a touching speech and all the blondes clapped.

2007-06-18 07:44:27 · 4 answers · asked by ¤Elva¤ 4

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello! We're down here..."

2007-06-18 07:43:04 · 13 answers · asked by ♣ Samzass ♣ 3

A trucker is driving his truck down a country road when he passes a clearing with a single tree in it. He looks over and sees a naked man hugging the tree and crying. Confused, the trucker slows down and when he looks closer he realizes the man has been tied up that way!

So the trucker pulls over, walks up to the guy and asks, "What's going on?" The man replies tearfully, "Oh thank goodness you're here! I was late for work this morning and got fired, then leaving the office I slipped on a banana peel and skinned my knee. Then I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. I went out to get drunk and drown my sorrows when I was car-jacked by two thugs. They drove me out here, tied me to this tree, stole my clothes, my wallet and my car. My day just can't get any worse!"

The trucker starts to unbuckle his pants and says, "Wanna bet?"

2007-06-18 07:28:02 · 10 answers · asked by JAWboy71 2

Humourous answers please.

2007-06-18 07:24:07 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I looked at the menu and thought I'd have a vegetable tarka.
It's like a vegetable tikka, but it's a little 'otter

2007-06-18 07:16:01 · 13 answers · asked by lovelylexie 4