Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

2007-06-18 03:38:52 · 10 answers · asked by Joe 6

Now, this is funny. I'll bet Dave Letterman does get some "flak" from the NAACP.
Al Sharpton and the Rev Jackson will go nuts !!!

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
# 1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways.

2007-06-18 03:21:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-18 03:19:39 · 14 answers · asked by LISA G 4

Heres what you do...make a sentence using these words.

Paris Hilton
Cream cheese
Magic
Stairs

2007-06-18 02:40:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

magic

2007-06-18 02:26:08 · 23 answers · asked by halofreak 1

perhaps not "decied" by a team of scientists, but a joke that makes you laugh.

2007-06-18 02:16:08 · 25 answers · asked by mistahclarke 2

An old mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to the bed.
- You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.
- But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your rolex watch instead?
- Shuddup and lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifulla wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a coulple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find your beautifula wife in bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then? Pointa to your watch and say:
"Time's up?'"

2007-06-18 01:49:40 · 3 answers · asked by None A 3

Every cigarette smoke reduces your life by 5 minutes; but sex, increases life by 10 minutes...
So the basic theme of this equation is: a fockin' smoker never dies...

2007-06-18 01:31:50 · 3 answers · asked by None A 3

give a question for each of these answers:

1. no thank, i'm virgin
2. yes, in your grave
3. the central line
4. hahaha
5. hey, mind your own bloody business!
6. thank u . come again
7. F*** off !
8. i think... Tony Blair ?
9. no thank u, i cannot afford it.

2007-06-18 00:59:13 · 5 answers · asked by KarlosCharlos 2

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted. "An ambulance just drove by! Looks like the Browns have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike! Looks like the Sanders are moving! Jason is on his skate board...." After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"
" Bcoz their son Jimmy is standing balcony with a Popsicle."

2007-06-18 00:56:12 · 12 answers · asked by Pd 6

my dad told me this joke:

a commander ordered 20 of his soldiers to attack the enemy, then he slept...
later, two of the 20 soldiers were running towards him waving their hands with the (V) sign..
he said proudly: "Victory yeah..??"
- no sir, only two of us survived...

2007-06-18 00:48:56 · 11 answers · asked by KarlosCharlos 2

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations throughout the U.S. Hopefully, none of us will be seeing similar ones on ours.
- Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not allow this employee to breed.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
- He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
- A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

2007-06-18 00:46:06 · 3 answers · asked by None A 3

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in sh*t up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with sh*t up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with sh*t up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

2007-06-18 00:31:43 · 18 answers · asked by BrooklynNY 2

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $1.3 trillion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. While The Russians used a pencil.

2007-06-18 00:07:15 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Susie is beginning her monthly bleeding, but isn't quite sure what is going on. Embarrassed about telling her parents and not sure who to turn to, she decides to speak to her good friend little Jonny.

Susie lifts up her dress, pulls down her panties, and shows Jonny the problem.

"Do you know whats wrong?" Susie asked

"Well, i'm no doctor." Jonny replies "But it looks like somebodys ripped your balls off!"

2007-06-17 22:27:57 · 35 answers · asked by kelly 3

A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it
true what Rita just told me ..... Babies come out of the same place where
boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear." replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come
up, and she wouldn''t have to explain it in detail to her daughter.

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager, "won''t it
knock my teeth out?"


*star if you like;-)

2007-06-17 21:41:10 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-17 19:45:10 · 23 answers · asked by Mee~mOe~ 5

As you launch yourself into this extraordinary book, notice that arranged within the main text there are many cunningly concealed kinds of trick messages, only you don't see any just yet.

2007-06-17 19:15:25 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-17 18:58:48 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is the only one I know.
How do you circumcise a red-neck? Kick his sister in the jaw.

Post yours.

2007-06-17 18:33:39 · 7 answers · asked by Anon 2

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.

Now after the marriage you can read it from below to up !!!!

2007-06-17 17:54:43 · 13 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

One day, little Johnny asked his mom what sex was.
"Tonight, go into your sister’s room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what
she and her boyfriend do.
The following morning, Johnny’s mom asked what happened.
Little Johnny explained "well at first, they were just kinda talking and
laughing, but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a fever,
cuz she said she was feeling hot.
So sister’s boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart, just
like the doctor would.
Except he’s not so smart because both of them got sick and they started
panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around
and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making them
sick - a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend’s pants somehow.

2007-06-17 17:30:15 · 7 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

Test your eyes?

Can u find the B(there are 2B's)? DON"T skip or ur wish wont come true...
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
RRRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
RRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...


Once youve found the b


Find The Mistake.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWUXYZ


Once Youve Found The Mistake


Find the 1

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII...
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I


Once you found the 1..............


Find the 6

999999999999999999999999999999...
999999999999999999999999999999...
99999999999999999999999999999

2007-06-17 17:21:00 · 10 answers · asked by Cecilia ♡ 6

Why don't you ask me the meaning of life while you're at it? On a scale of 1 to 11.579 how funny is that for a response to a question on here?

2007-06-17 17:20:45 · 7 answers · asked by Brandon 2

2007-06-17 17:17:22 · 13 answers · asked by Teddy 3

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.

1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yurs!!

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and the Mattress

Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE ??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means , "With Idiot For Ever !!!"

Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.

2007-06-17 16:31:32 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are days in the month when all a man has to do
is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his
own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as
common as a driver's license in the wallet of every
husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdue it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

2007-06-17 16:03:57 · 14 answers · asked by old man 4

How many months have 28 days?

2007-06-17 15:53:35 · 25 answers · asked by â?¥Yummy 5

When his safe jammed, a mine operator decided to call the local prison and see if any of the inmates knew how to get it open. Half an hour later, a prison guard arrived, bringing a prisoner along with him. The prisoner jiggled the combination, listened carefully, and within a few minutes had the safe open.
"Thankyou so much," said the mine operator. "What can I give you to repay you?"
"Well," said the prisoner, "the last time I opened a safe I got five years."

2007-06-17 15:30:56 · 7 answers · asked by BeckV 2

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

2007-06-17 15:26:55 · 16 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4