Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

you cant wash your hands in a buffalo

lmao

2007-06-16 23:58:50 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."



In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

2007-06-16 23:45:05 · 5 answers · asked by PC 7

doing 55 mph. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

he then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you."

Again the wife stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

he says, "I want the house." Again the wife speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

he says, "I want the kids too." The wife just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

he says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

he asks, "What's that?"

The wife replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

2007-06-16 23:18:24 · 9 answers · asked by Conan 3

I have tried to find it but failed miserably

2007-06-16 23:12:02 · 9 answers · asked by PHILIP D 1

I met someone named Nozmo King

2007-06-16 23:09:40 · 23 answers · asked by yatzky 2

Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak .

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did...

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a ********?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and

2007-06-16 23:06:28 · 6 answers · asked by enchantress 3

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You DO her again."

2007-06-16 22:33:09 · 14 answers · asked by Conan 3

One day, Superman got horny when he saw Wonder woman sunbathing naked on the beach. He thinks " I've always been known for being faster than a speeding bullet and I have always been curious what Wonder woman would be like in bed with all her impressive powers..." So he zoomed down and quickly did her in a flash and left before anyone could notice.
Wonder woman sat up and said "What was that?"
The Invisible Man replied as he got off her, "Well I dont know...but my butt hurts terribly."

2007-06-16 20:48:06 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old Mr. Tidy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend. Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police. "I was walking by Mr. Tidy`s house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward." The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Tidy. How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?

2007-06-16 20:16:42 · 7 answers · asked by â?¥Yummy 5

Alice, Ben, Charlie, David, and Ed entered a contest to guess how many jelly beans are in a jar. Alice guessed 30, Ben guessed 28, Charlie guessed 29, David guessed 25, and Ed guessed 26. Two were off the mark by 1, one was wrong by 4, and one by 3. But one was correct. How many jelly beans are in the jar at the store?

2007-06-16 19:57:33 · 8 answers · asked by HARMONYâ?«~â?«~â?«~* 4

2007-06-16 19:54:22 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Shamus and Murphy fancy a couple of beers, but, between them, they can only raise a dollar. Murphy says: “Hang on a minute, I have an idea.” He goes into a butcher’s shop and comes out with a large sausage. “Are you crazy?” screams Shamus incredulously. “You’ve spent the last of our money.”
“Just follow me,” Murphy insists. He goes into the pub and orders two Guinnesses. Shamus turns white. “Now you’ve lost it,” he shrieks. “Do you know how much trouble we’re in?”
“Don’t worry,” replies Murphy. “When we’re finished, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.” The barman notices them, goes berserk and throws them out. They continue this trick, pub after pub, getting drunk for free.
At the 10th pub Shamus begs: “Murphy, tonight’s been great, but I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin’ me!”
“How do you think I feel?” replies Murphy. “I lost the sausage in the third pub.”

2007-06-16 19:28:33 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

milk is to egg, metal is to car, tea is to bread and give is to object. if these statements are true then would a bottlecar send when in a tree conker fire bowl cup?

2007-06-16 19:16:04 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman about to get married is worried her husband will be angry that she isn’t a virgin. So she asks her doctor if there’s anything he can do for her.
“Medically, I’m afraid not, but there is something you can try,” says the doctor.
“On the wedding night, when you’re getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it on your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it’s the sound of your hymen snapping.”
After a wonderful wedding reception, the couple retire to their room. She places him on the bed then says she has to run to the bathroom to freshen up.
She slides the elastic band up her leg, turns off the light and excitedly jumps into bed with her husband.
The action begins, and when her husband slips it in she snaps the elastic band. “F__king hell!”? he bellows. “What was that?” The wife purrs, “Oh, nothing, that’s just my hymen snapping.”
The husband cries out, “Well snap it again! It’s got my balls!”?

2007-06-16 19:12:22 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

i enjoy giving out my riddles and i do give points out aswell. so please no haters. ok so the next riddle............

a car travels at 25 mph a truck travels at 50 kmph a motorbike than can travel has no object or angle. it void and a clear moment.

why?

(i am also known with many names... enjoy the riddling)

2007-06-16 18:45:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

OK this boy(12 years old) with a dead frog on a leash walks up to a place where you can buy s-ex.

Boy: Can i please borrow Clair(no offense if your names clair) for s-ex tonight.

Guy behind counter(clerk): why in the world are you asking for s-ex and especially clair she has aids, and why do you have a dead frog on a leash.

Boy: well the mailman ran over my frog

Clerk: Ok still why do you want Clair

Boy: well i figure that ill get aids from her and when the babysitter comes to my house tonight she will have s-ex with me. Then when my parents come home the babysitter will have s-ex with my dad. Then he will go to his room and have s-ex with my mom who will(in the morning) have s-ex with the mailman thus giving him aids. Gets the D*** H*** back for killing my frog

2007-06-16 17:27:08 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

jane left the house on a monday morning, she came home on a friday she had only been gone 24 house so my question is......

why would a object not be felled when it is a clear moment?

2007-06-16 17:19:26 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk staggered up to a man on the street.
Drunk, "Joe, is that you. Man, I haven't seen you in years. You sure look different. You shaved your beard, dyed your hair. You grew a couple of inches and lost some weight, too."
Man, "My name's not Joe, it's Roger."
Drunk, "What, you changed your name, too!!"

2007-06-16 17:11:47 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

i'm looking for good original ideas for pranks at a camp i work at. things have been done, but i'm all about being off the wall. and my brain is a bit fried this summer. :-)
so to work with: there are cabins, woods, pool, dining hall, meeting hall, laundry room, office, farm, nature lodge, campfire circle, ropes course, pond w/ canoes, horse corral, sports fields/courts, playground, housing for leadership, flagpole, public bathrooms, pavilions, woods, .... post me your ideas. big or small. thanks!

2007-06-16 16:52:12 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

2007-06-16 14:49:34 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'B#TCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.

2007-06-16 14:34:51 · 17 answers · asked by Neha M 3

Question and answer
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.

Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.

Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow to pasture.

Q: Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.

Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He has got no beef.

2007-06-16 14:32:14 · 9 answers · asked by Neha M 3

Why must we learn this?
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

2007-06-16 14:22:20 · 14 answers · asked by ? 7

Child sent to bed
A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later]

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]

"Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later]

"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

2007-06-16 14:01:47 · 22 answers · asked by ? 7

Little Johnny asked his dad:
can i have a bike for christmas dad?
dad replied:
i'm really sorry son but the thing is we havn't got much money we have £80,000 to pay on the morgage we just can't afford it.
The next day Johnny's dad seen him leaving his room with his case packed
Where you going son?
I'm leaving Johnny replied
Why? his dad asked
i was walking past your bedroom last night and i overheard you say to mum you was pulling out,then mum said to wait that she was coming too!
I'm not staying here with an £80,000 morgage and no fu****g bike!

2007-06-16 13:31:50 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A German shepherd and a Jack Russell in the vet's surgery.....
The German Shepherd says, "What are you in for?"
The Jack Russell says, "Neighbour's cat came in and ate my food so I gave it one and I've got to have my nuts chopped off.... What are you in for?"
The German Shepherd says, "My mistress came downstairs the other morning, stark naked!! and took the washing out of the machine....she bent over and I couldn't resist it - I had to do it!"
The Jack Russell says, "Are they taking your nuts off as well?"
"NO, I've got to have my claws clipped." :(

2007-06-16 13:14:45 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

They make you look HARD

2007-06-16 13:14:42 · 14 answers · asked by theunknownstuntman 4

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy 9 months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of the child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters!" Then he gave her a stern look, and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!!"

2007-06-16 13:03:33 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok, so there are 3 escaped convicts. One blond, one brunette, and one redhead. They run into a barn and th brunete hides behind a cow, the redhead hides behind a horse, and thee blond hides behind a sack of potaes. when the police come in and pass the cow, the brunette says 'moooo' and the police dont catch her. When the police pass the horse the redhead says 'neeeeigh' and the police don't catch her. When the police pass the potatoes the blond says 'POOOOO-TTAAAAAATEEEE-OOOOOOOOOO" and the police catch her.


Good joke or bad joke?

2007-06-16 13:02:05 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-16 12:25:42 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous